SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito: 12/03/88: You Shot Me!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

You Shot Me!

Gariton…..Danny DeVito
Bartender…..Tom Davis
Patron John…..Jon Lovitz
Cowboy #1…..Kevin Nealon
Cowboy #2…..Dennis Miller
Cowboy #3…..Conan O’Brien
Cowgirl…..Jan Hooks
Doctor…..Phil Hartman
Patron John’s Wife…..Nora Dunn

[ The Old West, 1800’s, day. Mexican folk music plays as gunshots and a horse’s whinny are heard outside. Gariton, a bandito, enters with pistol in hand. ]

Gariton: ÁArriba, arriba! Ha ha ha! That’s right, it is me, Gariton! I am back from the hills! Ha! Aren’t you all happy to see me?!

Cowboy #1: Please, Gariton! We don’t want any trouble!

Gariton: Oh, but I didn’t come for trouble! I come for a DREENK! Which one of you nice people is going to buy Gariton a drink! [ shakes two patrons ] Huh?

Bartender: Why, why don’t you have one on the house? [ pours it ]

Gariton: [ walks over to the bar ] Aww … that’s more like it! BUT — [ grabs the bottle of whiskey and walks to the end of the room ] — when Gariton drink … he like to be entertained! Who ees going to entertain Gariton? Huh? [ points his gun at Patron John ] How about you, se–or? Do you know how to dance? [ starts shooting at Patron John’s feet, making him dodge the bullets ]

Patron John: OW!! OW!! [ sits down, and everyone gathers around him ] Why, you SHOT ME!

Gariton: Oh no — did I hit you? Where did I hit you?

Patron John: Oh, my foot! Oh, it burns! [ holds it in pain ]

Gariton: I shot you in the foot?

Patron John: Yeah, you shot —

Gariton: Oh no, let me see! Oh no! Oh, are you all right! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you! Are you okay?

Patron John: Get away from me! Ya SHOT ME!

Gariton: Does it hurt? I’m so sorry! I don’t mean — let me help you!

Patron John: Go ‘way! You’ve done enough!

Gariton: Oh no …

Patron John: Ya SHOT ME!

Gariton: Oh, this is terrible. I should go get a doctor!

Cowboy #1: We just sent for a doctor, no thanks to you!

Gariton: Oh no, is it okay? I’m so sorry. Does it hurt? Oh, madre mia, why did this happen? I don’t know how it hap – are you going to be okay?

Doctor: Step aside. [ they all do so ] I heard there was an accident. What happened?

Gariton: [ sheepishly ] Well, heh heh, he was dancing, and we were playing around.

Bartender: That’s not what happened, you shot him in the foot.

Cowboy #2: Yeah, you were making him dance, and then you just shot him!

Doctor: Well why would you do a thing like that?

Gariton: I, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess, I, I didn’t think I was —

Cowgirl: [ hands on hips, in his face ] That’s it — yeah, yeah, yeah, you just didn’t think, did you?

Gariton: Oh, no, I’m so sorry, I mean, I didn’t mean for it to happen! If I could go back in time and change everything, I would … [ Cowgirl blows him off, walks over to Patron John ] … oh please, I’m so sorry, believe me, it was an accident! Oh, I did — why would anyone do that on purpose? I’m so sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry …

[ Exterior of a cabin. SUPER: “Later that day …” ] [ Inside the cabin, Gariton paces back and forth in the hallway. The doctor emerges from the bedroom door. ]

Gariton: Oh, oh doctor, oh tell me, how is he? How is he?

Doctor: Well, he’ll be off his feet for a few weeks and he’s in a lot of pain.

Gariton: Oh, that is terrible! I am so stupid! [ sobs ]

Doctor: Well you said it, not me.

Gariton: Oh, I’m so sorry.

Doctor: A lot of good that does him now. [ walks off ]

Gariton: [ holds his head in anguish ] Oh no … oh God …

[ Exterior of the same cabin. SUPER: “The next week …” ] [ John is still in bed. His wife stands by the door. ]

Patron John’s Wife: How’s your foot today, dear?

Patron John: Uh, it feels a little better, I guess.

Patron John’s Wife: Do you feel like seeing a visitor?

Patron John: Who is it?

[ She opens the door, and Gariton enters with a gift box wrapped in red paper. ]

Gariton: Hello! … Hello!

Patron John: You?!

Gariton: I, I just stopped by to see you, and see how you were …

Patron John: Get outta here!

[ His wife exits the room ]

Gariton: I, I, I have this for you, I hope you like it. [ lifts the box open ] It, it is a new boot. [ holds it up ]

Patron John: Well this, this is ni —

Gariton: You like it?

Patron John: [ throws the boot ] No! Get outta here! I don’t want that! You SHOT me!

Gariton: Well, well, se–or, I have been doing some thinking. You know, that um, normally when, when people do the jig, like you were doing, they dance like this — [ demonstrates ] — see, but, but you, when you were dancing, you were dancing kind of like this — [ demonstrates ] — kicking feet like that — you see, so I’m thinking that maybe, we both are at fault, se–or.

Patron John: No! No! It’s all your fault! You made me dance and then you SHOT ME! In the FOOT! YA SHOT ME!

Gariton: All right.

Patron John: Yeah.

Gariton: [ Danny tries not to crack up ] Well, then listen, listen, se–or, all right, then, well, I am sorry, okay?

Patron John: No! No, it’s not okay! Ya SHOT ME!

Gariton: Do you — do you not accept my apology, se–or?

Patron John: No, I don’t accept your apology!

Gariton: But you must accept my apology —

Patron John: YA SHOT ME, YA SHOT ME! No!

Gariton: [ whips out his pistol ] You must accept the apology, [ says something in Spanish ] — I say, accept it! Accept it! [ starts firing shots into the ceiling ]

Patron John: [ throws his hands up in fear ] I accept! I accept! I accept! I accept!

Gariton: Bark like a dog!

Patron John: [ barks like a dog ]

Gariton: Now get out of bed! [ John does so, still barking ] And dance! Come on! Get up and dance! [ John hops on one foot ] Now act like a chicken! [ etc. etc. ] [ Fade to SNL band ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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