Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 7
You Shot Me!
Patron John…..Jon Lovitz
Cowboy #1…..Kevin Nealon
Cowboy #2…..Dennis Miller
Cowboy #3…..Conan O’Brien
Patron John’s Wife…..Nora Dunn
[ The Old West, 1800’s, day. Mexican folk music plays as gunshots and a horse’s whinny are heard outside. Gariton, a bandito, enters with pistol in hand. ]
Gariton: ÁArriba, arriba! Ha ha ha! That’s right, it is me, Gariton! I am back from the hills! Ha! Aren’t you all happy to see me?!
Cowboy #1: Please, Gariton! We don’t want any trouble!
Gariton: Oh, but I didn’t come for trouble! I come for a DREENK! Which one of you nice people is going to buy Gariton a drink! [ shakes two patrons ] Huh?
Bartender: Why, why don’t you have one on the house? [ pours it ]
Gariton: [ walks over to the bar ] Aww … that’s more like it! BUT — [ grabs the bottle of whiskey and walks to the end of the room ] — when Gariton drink … he like to be entertained! Who ees going to entertain Gariton? Huh? [ points his gun at Patron John ] How about you, seor? Do you know how to dance? [ starts shooting at Patron John’s feet, making him dodge the bullets ]
Patron John: OW!! OW!! [ sits down, and everyone gathers around him ] Why, you SHOT ME!
Gariton: Oh no — did I hit you? Where did I hit you?
Patron John: Oh, my foot! Oh, it burns! [ holds it in pain ]
Gariton: I shot you in the foot?
Patron John: Yeah, you shot —
Gariton: Oh no, let me see! Oh no! Oh, are you all right! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you! Are you okay?
Patron John: Get away from me! Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Does it hurt? I’m so sorry! I don’t mean — let me help you!
Patron John: Go ‘way! You’ve done enough!
Gariton: Oh no …
Patron John: Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Oh, this is terrible. I should go get a doctor!
Cowboy #1: We just sent for a doctor, no thanks to you!
Gariton: Oh no, is it okay? I’m so sorry. Does it hurt? Oh, madre mia, why did this happen? I don’t know how it hap – are you going to be okay?
Doctor: Step aside. [ they all do so ] I heard there was an accident. What happened?
Gariton: [ sheepishly ] Well, heh heh, he was dancing, and we were playing around.
Bartender: That’s not what happened, you shot him in the foot.
Cowboy #2: Yeah, you were making him dance, and then you just shot him!
Doctor: Well why would you do a thing like that?
Gariton: I, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess, I, I didn’t think I was —
Cowgirl: [ hands on hips, in his face ] That’s it — yeah, yeah, yeah, you just didn’t think, did you?
Gariton: Oh, no, I’m so sorry, I mean, I didn’t mean for it to happen! If I could go back in time and change everything, I would … [ Cowgirl blows him off, walks over to Patron John ] … oh please, I’m so sorry, believe me, it was an accident! Oh, I did — why would anyone do that on purpose? I’m so sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry …
[ Exterior of a cabin. SUPER: “Later that day …” ]
[ Inside the cabin, Gariton paces back and forth in the hallway. The doctor emerges from the bedroom door. ]
Gariton: Oh, oh doctor, oh tell me, how is he? How is he?
Doctor: Well, he’ll be off his feet for a few weeks and he’s in a lot of pain.
Gariton: Oh, that is terrible! I am so stupid! [ sobs ]
Doctor: Well you said it, not me.
Gariton: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Doctor: A lot of good that does him now. [ walks off ]
Gariton: [ holds his head in anguish ] Oh no … oh God …
[ Exterior of the same cabin. SUPER: “The next week …” ]
[ John is still in bed. His wife stands by the door. ]
Patron John’s Wife: How’s your foot today, dear?
Patron John: Uh, it feels a little better, I guess.
Patron John’s Wife: Do you feel like seeing a visitor?
Patron John: Who is it?
[ She opens the door, and Gariton enters with a gift box wrapped in red paper. ]
Gariton: Hello! … Hello!
Patron John: You?!
Gariton: I, I just stopped by to see you, and see how you were …
Patron John: Get outta here!
[ His wife exits the room ]
Gariton: I, I, I have this for you, I hope you like it. [ lifts the box open ] It, it is a new boot. [ holds it up ]
Patron John: Well this, this is ni —
Gariton: You like it?
Patron John: [ throws the boot ] No! Get outta here! I don’t want that! You SHOT me!
Gariton: Well, well, seor, I have been doing some thinking. You know, that um, normally when, when people do the jig, like you were doing, they dance like this — [ demonstrates ] — see, but, but you, when you were dancing, you were dancing kind of like this — [ demonstrates ] — kicking feet like that — you see, so I’m thinking that maybe, we both are at fault, seor.
Patron John: No! No! It’s all your fault! You made me dance and then you SHOT ME! In the FOOT! YA SHOT ME!
Gariton: All right.
Patron John: Yeah.
Gariton: [ Danny tries not to crack up ] Well, then listen, listen, seor, all right, then, well, I am sorry, okay?
Patron John: No! No, it’s not okay! Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Do you — do you not accept my apology, seor?
Patron John: No, I don’t accept your apology!
Gariton: But you must accept my apology —
Patron John: YA SHOT ME, YA SHOT ME! No!
Gariton: [ whips out his pistol ] You must accept the apology, [ says something in Spanish ] — I say, accept it! Accept it! [ starts firing shots into the ceiling ]
Patron John: [ throws his hands up in fear ] I accept! I accept! I accept! I accept!
Gariton: Bark like a dog!
Patron John: [ barks like a dog ]
Gariton: Now get out of bed! [ John does so, still barking ] And dance! Come on! Get up and dance! [ John hops on one foot ] Now act like a chicken! [ etc. etc. ]
[ Fade to SNL band ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez