SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 01/21/89: Mocking Lord Edmund


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 10

88j: John Malkovich / Anita Baker

Mocking Lord Edmund

Lady Tewksbury…..Jan Hooks
Lord Edmund…..John Malkovich
Servant #1…..Jon Lovitz
Servant #2…..Dana Carvey
Doorman…..Tom Davis
Royal Artist…..Phil Hartman
Nigel the Groundskeeper…..Mike Myers

[ SUPER: “Brighton House – Sussex, England 1635 ] [ Lady Tewksbury enters Lord Edmund’s sitting room to talk with him ]

Lady Tewksbury: Edmund! Finally we are together. I have a long-lost resort to speak my deepest secret. Oh, my God, Edmund, I love thee. I do so love thee!

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Lady Tewksbury: Edmund, nothing could be further from the truth! I adore you.. I worship you!

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Lady Tewksbury: Mock you? Why, Edmund.. how could I mock no noble and honorable a man? A man so completely unworthy of mockery.

Lord Edmund: [ stands ] If you truly love me, then why do you insist on mocking me so?! Now! Away with you!! Go on, go! Leave at once!

Lady Tewksbury: [ in tears ] Very well! But if you will not requieth my love.. I shall kill myself!

Lord Edmund: You mock me! [ chases her out ] And I will NOT be mocked!! [ pauses in anger ] The insolence and bold affrontary! [ walks forward, never suspecting that his Servants are imitating his walk in a fit of mockery behind his back ] She was mocking me, was she not?

Servant #1: Oh, yes, your Lord. [ Servant #2 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #1 speaks ] I was crimson with rage and egregious impertinence of her bold ignorance! [ to Servant #2 ] Would you promise?

Servant #2: Oh, yes.. [ Servant #1 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #2 speaks ] ..the brazen audacity of her tongue was surpassed only by her derisive hauture!

Lord Edmund: I thought so.

Doorman: My Lord! The Royal Artist has completed his portrait of your Lordship, he seeks your approval.

Lord Edmund: Show him in.

Royal Artist: [ enters with painting ] Master, I humbly present the fruit of two years’ labor.. [ displays painting ] The Royal Portrait!

Lord Edmund: [ examines it disapprovingly ]

Royal Artist: My Lord is not pleased with the portrait?

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Royal Artist: My Lordship, quite the contrary.. The portrait celebrates your noble bearing! I put you in uniform to capture the lion heart that beats within your heroic breasts!

Lord Edmund: Will this mockery never cease? Away with you. If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is being mocked! now, go! And take your grotesque caricature with you! [ runs Royal Artist out, as the Servants mock his running ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks across the room, as the Servants continue to mock his movements ] Was I wrong?

Servant #1: Heavens no, your Highness. His most contempt was rendering. The talks on canvas. Wouldn’t you say so, Thomas?

Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, yes.. The affrontary of his derisive painting was surpassed only by his brazen gall!

Lord Edmund: Exactly!

Doorman: My Lord, Nigel the Groundskeeper seeks a word with you.

Lord Edmund: If he must..

Nigel the Groundskeeper: [ runs in ] Excuse me, Squire, I hate to bother you, but we’ve been having some problems with some poachers. We’ve noticed twelve wild pigs missing, and several pheasants as well. I would like to request a detachment of your guards to help find the trespassers.

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Nigel the Groundskeeper: I’m sorry, Squire?

Lord Edmund: You.. mock.. me.

Nigel the Groundskeeper: As.. I was saying, Squire, if we could deal with this poacher matter, then..

Lord Edmund: I find it most baffling that one so low would hope to gain from mocking one so high!

Nigel the Groundskeeper: Excuse me, Squire.. I don’t mean to talk out of turn, but with respect to this mockery, sir, I would imagine if anyone was mocking you, it would be the poachers themselves..

Lord Edmund: They mock me! But not to my face! Now, away with you!!

Nigel the Groundskeeper: Right away, Squire! [ runs out ]

Lord Edmund: [ chases him out ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks around, as the Servants continue to mock him ] I grow weary.. [ looks out the window ] The moon is out. I say, the moon is out, and yet it is day. The moon mocks me.. and I will not be mocked!

Servant #1: Yes, yes! The crescent moon lets its lunar contempt be seen for what it is – a brazen canopy of affrontary! Thomas?

Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, of course! The impudence of the moon’s bold audacity!

Lord Edmund: [ walks away, as the Servants mock him behind his back ] I will retire now to my chamber, where there are only my bed and my dreams to mock me. [ exits room ] [ the Servants starts mimicing Lord Edmund’s every expression ]

Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”

Servant #1: “You mock me!”

Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”

Servant #1: “You mock me!”

Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”

Servant #1: “You mock me!”

[ Lord Edmund re-enters unnoticed to gather his smoking jacket, watching sadly as the Servants mock him ] [ end ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 3

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x