SNL Transcripts: John Malkovich: 01/21/89: Mocking Lord Edmund

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 10

88j: John Malkovich / Anita Baker

Mocking Lord Edmund

Lady Tewksbury…..Jan Hooks
Lord Edmund…..John Malkovich
Servant #1…..Jon Lovitz
Servant #2…..Dana Carvey
Doorman…..Tom Davis
Royal Artist…..Phil Hartman
Nigel the Groundskeeper…..Mike Myers

[ SUPER: “Brighton House – Sussex, England 1635 ] [ Lady Tewksbury enters Lord Edmund’s sitting room to talk with him ]

Lady Tewksbury: Edmund! Finally we are together. I have a long-lost resort to speak my deepest secret. Oh, my God, Edmund, I love thee. I do so love thee!

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Lady Tewksbury: Edmund, nothing could be further from the truth! I adore you.. I worship you!

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Lady Tewksbury: Mock you? Why, Edmund.. how could I mock no noble and honorable a man? A man so completely unworthy of mockery.

Lord Edmund: [ stands ] If you truly love me, then why do you insist on mocking me so?! Now! Away with you!! Go on, go! Leave at once!

Lady Tewksbury: [ in tears ] Very well! But if you will not requieth my love.. I shall kill myself!

Lord Edmund: You mock me! [ chases her out ] And I will NOT be mocked!! [ pauses in anger ] The insolence and bold affrontary! [ walks forward, never suspecting that his Servants are imitating his walk in a fit of mockery behind his back ] She was mocking me, was she not?

Servant #1: Oh, yes, your Lord. [ Servant #2 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #1 speaks ] I was crimson with rage and egregious impertinence of her bold ignorance! [ to Servant #2 ] Would you promise?

Servant #2: Oh, yes.. [ Servant #1 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #2 speaks ] ..the brazen audacity of her tongue was surpassed only by her derisive hauture!

Lord Edmund: I thought so.

Doorman: My Lord! The Royal Artist has completed his portrait of your Lordship, he seeks your approval.

Lord Edmund: Show him in.

Royal Artist: [ enters with painting ] Master, I humbly present the fruit of two years’ labor.. [ displays painting ] The Royal Portrait!

Lord Edmund: [ examines it disapprovingly ]

Royal Artist: My Lord is not pleased with the portrait?

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Royal Artist: My Lordship, quite the contrary.. The portrait celebrates your noble bearing! I put you in uniform to capture the lion heart that beats within your heroic breasts!

Lord Edmund: Will this mockery never cease? Away with you. If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is being mocked! now, go! And take your grotesque caricature with you! [ runs Royal Artist out, as the Servants mock his running ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks across the room, as the Servants continue to mock his movements ] Was I wrong?

Servant #1: Heavens no, your Highness. His most contempt was rendering. The talks on canvas. Wouldn’t you say so, Thomas?

Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, yes.. The affrontary of his derisive painting was surpassed only by his brazen gall!

Lord Edmund: Exactly!

Doorman: My Lord, Nigel the Groundskeeper seeks a word with you.

Lord Edmund: If he must..

Nigel the Groundskeeper: [ runs in ] Excuse me, Squire, I hate to bother you, but we’ve been having some problems with some poachers. We’ve noticed twelve wild pigs missing, and several pheasants as well. I would like to request a detachment of your guards to help find the trespassers.

Lord Edmund: You mock me.

Nigel the Groundskeeper: I’m sorry, Squire?

Lord Edmund: You.. mock.. me.

Nigel the Groundskeeper: As.. I was saying, Squire, if we could deal with this poacher matter, then..

Lord Edmund: I find it most baffling that one so low would hope to gain from mocking one so high!

Nigel the Groundskeeper: Excuse me, Squire.. I don’t mean to talk out of turn, but with respect to this mockery, sir, I would imagine if anyone was mocking you, it would be the poachers themselves..

Lord Edmund: They mock me! But not to my face! Now, away with you!!

Nigel the Groundskeeper: Right away, Squire! [ runs out ]

Lord Edmund: [ chases him out ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks around, as the Servants continue to mock him ] I grow weary.. [ looks out the window ] The moon is out. I say, the moon is out, and yet it is day. The moon mocks me.. and I will not be mocked!

Servant #1: Yes, yes! The crescent moon lets its lunar contempt be seen for what it is – a brazen canopy of affrontary! Thomas?

Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, of course! The impudence of the moon’s bold audacity!

Lord Edmund: [ walks away, as the Servants mock him behind his back ] I will retire now to my chamber, where there are only my bed and my dreams to mock me. [ exits room ] [ the Servants starts mimicing Lord Edmund’s every expression ]

Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”

Servant #1: “You mock me!”

Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”

Servant #1: “You mock me!”

Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”

Servant #1: “You mock me!”

[ Lord Edmund re-enters unnoticed to gather his smoking jacket, watching sadly as the Servants mock him ] [ end ]

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