Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 11
Tony Danza’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tony Danza!
[ the audience screams with delight ]
Tony Danza: Sure, sure, anybody’s good after Ted Bundy, I know!
Well, here I am back in New York, my hometown.. and hosting my favorite show “Saturday Night Live”! And, let me tell you, it’s been three years since the last time I was here. You know, I was here three years ago, and a lot has changed for me in three years. I mean, the biggest thing that’s changed for me in three years is, I was single then and I’m married now. And I like marriage, I really like marriage, because in the morning now, I’m waking up instead of coming to! No, really, really, I do, I love marriage, I think it’s my favorite institution! There, honey, I said it, okay?
Also, I have a 20-month old baby girl named Katie. She’s terrific, and tomorrow my son Mark, who’s also terrific, will be 18 years old. 18! Now, look here – 20 months, and 18 years. Is that spacing them out? I’m telling you!
Alright, listen, let me tell you something: it’s the thing that you worry about the most when you do this show, and the thing I worried about most when I hosted last time ws the Monologue. You know, you’re up here all by yourself, and you’re scared, you’re afraid. But the writers told me last time, “Don’t worry – we’ll write something for you, it’ll be funny, you’re gonna love it.” And then, of course, I ended up tap-dancing. Well, this time, I said, “No way, that’s not gonna happen.” I grabbed the writers, I worked with them all week, and so we’re gonna get to the tap-dancing a lot faster this time, alright? So, are you ready for the tap-dance?
[ as audience cheers him on, Danza does his little tap-dance on the stage ]
Okay! Well, look, that’s it, we’ve got a great show tonight, we got John Hiatt and the Garners. So don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back!