SNL Transcripts: Tony Danza: 01/28/89: Da War of Da Woilds

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 11

88k: Tony Danza / John Hiatt

Da War of Da Woilds

Rudy…..Tony Danza
Brewmeister…..Jon Lovitz
Aide…..Kevin Nealon
The President…..Phil Hartman
Einstein…..Dana Carvey
Reporter…..Nora Dunn

Announcer: The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art presents: “Da War of Da Woilds”.

[ open on Rudy and The Brewmeister fishing off of a dock ]

Rudy: Roy, I’ll tell ya, the funkin’ fish in here stinks!

Brewmeister: Yeah, I ain’t had a bite all day.

Rudy: Let’s say we blow this joint.

Brewmeister: Sure. [ as he picks up his rod and reel, notices something strange in the sky behind him ] Hey, hey, Ed! [ points ] What the funk is dose?!

Rudy: Holy samoley! You know what dose are? Dose are flyin’ saucers!

Brewmeister: Dey are definitely from outer space!

Rudy: I think dey are martians!

Brewmeister: Martians?! Dose dings will spread like termites!

Rudy: Tell me about it! We gotta warn da rest of da woild!

[ they wait until after they’ve finished their beers ] [ cut to exterior, “Da White House” ]

Aide: [ enters Oval Office ] Mr. President. I’m sorry to interrupt ya, but some guys are heah.

The President: Whatta dey want?!

Aide: Dey say dat dey had seen some martians.

The President: Martians? You better show dem in!

Rudy: [ enters with Rudy ] Sorry to bother ya’s, Mr. President. But my name is Rudy, and dis here’s da Brewmeister!

The President: Yo! [ shakes fist; Rudy and The Brewmeister return the greeting ]

Brewmeister: Pleased to make ya acquaintance.

The President: Yeah, so what’s all dis I hear about Martians?!

Brewmeister: Oh, dey have landed, Mr. President, we’ve seen dem!

Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns, and stuff like dat! I think they mean to take over da woild!

The President: Hey, Joey! [ Aide returns ] Better get my advisors in heah!

Aide: Alright. Sorry, all your advisors are bowling.

The President: Bowling?!

Aide: Yeah. Dey got dat big toinement today.

The President: Oh, yeah, the big toinement!

Rudy: Oh, listen, sir. Not for nothing, but we ain’t got no time to spare – so to speak! Hey! Maybe we should find, like a scientist, to make a weapon to blow their f–kin’ heads off!

The President: Good thinkin’! But who?!

Brewmeister: Well, what about that real smart scientist, what’s his name?

Rudy: Uh.. Einstein!

Brewmeister: Einstein! Yeah, that’s it!

The President: Let’s haul it!

[ they exit the Oval Office ] [ cut to “Some Big-Shot College” ] [ dissolve to SUPER: “(Where Einstein Is At)” ] [ dissolve to Einstein’s office ]

The President: Perfessor Einstein?

Einstein: [ stands ] Yeah, yeah, dat’s da name, don’t wear it out! Hey, what can I do ya’s for?

The President: I am da President of da United States. And dis heah’ Rudy, and dis is da Brewmeister.

Einstein: Yo! [ waves fist; the others return the greeting ]

The President: Perfessor, we got martians!

Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?

Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin’ out da ol’ ying-yang!

Brewmeister: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da f–kin’ saucers out of da f–kin’ sky!

Rudy: Yeah!

Einstein: Yeah, well, I got dis laser gun over heah! [ removes drop cloth to reveal a laser gun ] You know, you could try dat, I don’t know! But for da f–kin’ martians, geez! I can’t be certain dat dis will work out dere! I was gonna use it to take paint off sidin’!

Rudy: Well, Perfessor, we gotta take it, ’cause it’s our only shot!

Einstein: Alright, but you’re gonna hafta leave some sort of deposit heah!

[ they collect their money for a deposit ] [ cut to variosu newspaper headlines – “We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”, “Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”; “Dey Are Maniacs!”; and “Mets Sweep Doubleheader!” ] [ cut to Rudy and The Brewmeister using the laser gun to shoot at the surrounding flying saucers in the sky ]

Brewmeister: Take dis, you doity Martians!

Rudy: It ain’t no use! Dis f–kin’ ding don’t work!

Brewmeister: Oh, da woild is doomed!

[ cut to Oval Office, the President and his men watching the news on TV ]

Reporter: The Martians appear unstoppable! Dey have swarmed all over da f–kin’ planet, spreadin’ destruction and fear! [ grabs note ] Oh! Dis just in: the Martians have blown up da Parthenon!

Aide: [ runs in ] Hey, Mr. President! Da Martians wanna know if we will surrender.

The President: I’m afraid we got no other choice, but to surrender!

Rudy: [ runs in ] Wait a minute, Mr. President! Don’t trow in da towel yet! Toin on da TV!

Reporter: [ on TV ] Da Martians are dyin’! I repeat: dey are dyin’! Da reason is joims! Oith joims! Dey can’t take da joims!

[ President and his men cheer ]

Rudy: Hey! Who woulda thought dat joims could be our friend!

The President: Maybe we loined a lesson heah!

Brewmeister: Yeah! Joims don’t like Martians!

The President: And visa-versa!

Rudy: F–kin’ ‘eyyy!

Announcer: This has been “Da War of Da Woilds”, by Da Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art. Join us next week for “Hoicules Voisus Da Blob”.

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