SNL Transcripts: Tony Danza: 01/28/89: Da War of Da Woilds


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 11

88k: Tony Danza / John Hiatt

Da War of Da Woilds

Rudy…..Tony Danza
Brewmeister…..Jon Lovitz
Aide…..Kevin Nealon
The President…..Phil Hartman
Einstein…..Dana Carvey
Reporter…..Nora Dunn

Announcer: The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art presents: “Da War of Da Woilds”.

[ open on Rudy and The Brewmeister fishing off of a dock ]

Rudy: Roy, I’ll tell ya, the funkin’ fish in here stinks!

Brewmeister: Yeah, I ain’t had a bite all day.

Rudy: Let’s say we blow this joint.

Brewmeister: Sure. [ as he picks up his rod and reel, notices something strange in the sky behind him ] Hey, hey, Ed! [ points ] What the funk is dose?!

Rudy: Holy samoley! You know what dose are? Dose are flyin’ saucers!

Brewmeister: Dey are definitely from outer space!

Rudy: I think dey are martians!

Brewmeister: Martians?! Dose dings will spread like termites!

Rudy: Tell me about it! We gotta warn da rest of da woild!

[ they wait until after they’ve finished their beers ] [ cut to exterior, “Da White House” ]

Aide: [ enters Oval Office ] Mr. President. I’m sorry to interrupt ya, but some guys are heah.

The President: Whatta dey want?!

Aide: Dey say dat dey had seen some martians.

The President: Martians? You better show dem in!

Rudy: [ enters with Rudy ] Sorry to bother ya’s, Mr. President. But my name is Rudy, and dis here’s da Brewmeister!

The President: Yo! [ shakes fist; Rudy and The Brewmeister return the greeting ]

Brewmeister: Pleased to make ya acquaintance.

The President: Yeah, so what’s all dis I hear about Martians?!

Brewmeister: Oh, dey have landed, Mr. President, we’ve seen dem!

Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns, and stuff like dat! I think they mean to take over da woild!

The President: Hey, Joey! [ Aide returns ] Better get my advisors in heah!

Aide: Alright. Sorry, all your advisors are bowling.

The President: Bowling?!

Aide: Yeah. Dey got dat big toinement today.

The President: Oh, yeah, the big toinement!

Rudy: Oh, listen, sir. Not for nothing, but we ain’t got no time to spare – so to speak! Hey! Maybe we should find, like a scientist, to make a weapon to blow their f–kin’ heads off!

The President: Good thinkin’! But who?!

Brewmeister: Well, what about that real smart scientist, what’s his name?

Rudy: Uh.. Einstein!

Brewmeister: Einstein! Yeah, that’s it!

The President: Let’s haul it!

[ they exit the Oval Office ] [ cut to “Some Big-Shot College” ] [ dissolve to SUPER: “(Where Einstein Is At)” ] [ dissolve to Einstein’s office ]

The President: Perfessor Einstein?

Einstein: [ stands ] Yeah, yeah, dat’s da name, don’t wear it out! Hey, what can I do ya’s for?

The President: I am da President of da United States. And dis heah’ Rudy, and dis is da Brewmeister.

Einstein: Yo! [ waves fist; the others return the greeting ]

The President: Perfessor, we got martians!

Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?

Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin’ out da ol’ ying-yang!

Brewmeister: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da f–kin’ saucers out of da f–kin’ sky!

Rudy: Yeah!

Einstein: Yeah, well, I got dis laser gun over heah! [ removes drop cloth to reveal a laser gun ] You know, you could try dat, I don’t know! But for da f–kin’ martians, geez! I can’t be certain dat dis will work out dere! I was gonna use it to take paint off sidin’!

Rudy: Well, Perfessor, we gotta take it, ’cause it’s our only shot!

Einstein: Alright, but you’re gonna hafta leave some sort of deposit heah!

[ they collect their money for a deposit ] [ cut to variosu newspaper headlines – “We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”, “Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”; “Dey Are Maniacs!”; and “Mets Sweep Doubleheader!” ] [ cut to Rudy and The Brewmeister using the laser gun to shoot at the surrounding flying saucers in the sky ]

Brewmeister: Take dis, you doity Martians!

Rudy: It ain’t no use! Dis f–kin’ ding don’t work!

Brewmeister: Oh, da woild is doomed!

[ cut to Oval Office, the President and his men watching the news on TV ]

Reporter: The Martians appear unstoppable! Dey have swarmed all over da f–kin’ planet, spreadin’ destruction and fear! [ grabs note ] Oh! Dis just in: the Martians have blown up da Parthenon!

Aide: [ runs in ] Hey, Mr. President! Da Martians wanna know if we will surrender.

The President: I’m afraid we got no other choice, but to surrender!

Rudy: [ runs in ] Wait a minute, Mr. President! Don’t trow in da towel yet! Toin on da TV!

Reporter: [ on TV ] Da Martians are dyin’! I repeat: dey are dyin’! Da reason is joims! Oith joims! Dey can’t take da joims!

[ President and his men cheer ]

Rudy: Hey! Who woulda thought dat joims could be our friend!

The President: Maybe we loined a lesson heah!

Brewmeister: Yeah! Joims don’t like Martians!

The President: And visa-versa!

Rudy: F–kin’ ‘eyyy!

Announcer: This has been “Da War of Da Woilds”, by Da Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art. Join us next week for “Hoicules Voisus Da Blob”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Steven Martin
Steven Martin
3 years ago

This is one of my favorite SNL skits of all time! My friends and I went around quoting the lines for months. It was just fun to say their euphemism “funkin'”. And Nora’s line about the “oith joims” was excellent.

Reply to  Steven Martin
2 years ago

Why can’t I find this anywhere? Should be on YouTube. Let me know if anyone finds it anywhere. I would love to watch it again

2 years ago

Why can’t I find this anywhere? Should be on YouTube. Let me know if anyone finds it anywhere. I would love to watch it again.

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