Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 11
Da War of Da Woilds
Rudy…..Tony Danza
Brewmeister…..Jon Lovitz
Aide…..Kevin Nealon
The President…..Phil Hartman
Einstein…..Dana Carvey
Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Announcer: The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art presents: “Da War of Da Woilds”.
[ open on Rudy and The Brewmeister fishing off of a dock ]
Rudy: Roy, I’ll tell ya, the funkin’ fish in here stinks!
Brewmeister: Yeah, I ain’t had a bite all day.
Rudy: Let’s say we blow this joint.
Brewmeister: Sure. [ as he picks up his rod and reel, notices something strange in the sky behind him ] Hey, hey, Ed! [ points ] What the funk is dose?!
Rudy: Holy samoley! You know what dose are? Dose are flyin’ saucers!
Brewmeister: Dey are definitely from outer space!
Rudy: I think dey are martians!
Brewmeister: Martians?! Dose dings will spread like termites!
Rudy: Tell me about it! We gotta warn da rest of da woild!
[ they wait until after they’ve finished their beers ]
[ cut to exterior, “Da White House” ]
Aide: [ enters Oval Office ] Mr. President. I’m sorry to interrupt ya, but some guys are heah.
The President: Whatta dey want?!
Aide: Dey say dat dey had seen some martians.
The President: Martians? You better show dem in!
Rudy: [ enters with Rudy ] Sorry to bother ya’s, Mr. President. But my name is Rudy, and dis here’s da Brewmeister!
The President: Yo! [ shakes fist; Rudy and The Brewmeister return the greeting ]
Brewmeister: Pleased to make ya acquaintance.
The President: Yeah, so what’s all dis I hear about Martians?!
Brewmeister: Oh, dey have landed, Mr. President, we’ve seen dem!
Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns, and stuff like dat! I think they mean to take over da woild!
The President: Hey, Joey! [ Aide returns ] Better get my advisors in heah!
Aide: Alright. Sorry, all your advisors are bowling.
The President: Bowling?!
Aide: Yeah. Dey got dat big toinement today.
The President: Oh, yeah, the big toinement!
Rudy: Oh, listen, sir. Not for nothing, but we ain’t got no time to spare – so to speak! Hey! Maybe we should find, like a scientist, to make a weapon to blow their f–kin’ heads off!
The President: Good thinkin’! But who?!
Brewmeister: Well, what about that real smart scientist, what’s his name?
Rudy: Uh.. Einstein!
Brewmeister: Einstein! Yeah, that’s it!
The President: Let’s haul it!
[ they exit the Oval Office ]
[ cut to “Some Big-Shot College” ]
[ dissolve to SUPER: “(Where Einstein Is At)” ]
[ dissolve to Einstein’s office ]
The President: Perfessor Einstein?
Einstein: [ stands ] Yeah, yeah, dat’s da name, don’t wear it out! Hey, what can I do ya’s for?
The President: I am da President of da United States. And dis heah’ Rudy, and dis is da Brewmeister.
Einstein: Yo! [ waves fist; the others return the greeting ]
The President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin’ out da ol’ ying-yang!
Brewmeister: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da f–kin’ saucers out of da f–kin’ sky!
Rudy: Yeah!
Einstein: Yeah, well, I got dis laser gun over heah! [ removes drop cloth to reveal a laser gun ] You know, you could try dat, I don’t know! But for da f–kin’ martians, geez! I can’t be certain dat dis will work out dere! I was gonna use it to take paint off sidin’!
Rudy: Well, Perfessor, we gotta take it, ’cause it’s our only shot!
Einstein: Alright, but you’re gonna hafta leave some sort of deposit heah!
[ they collect their money for a deposit ]
[ cut to variosu newspaper headlines – “We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”, “Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”; “Dey Are Maniacs!”; and “Mets Sweep Doubleheader!” ]
[ cut to Rudy and The Brewmeister using the laser gun to shoot at the surrounding flying saucers in the sky ]
Brewmeister: Take dis, you doity Martians!
Rudy: It ain’t no use! Dis f–kin’ ding don’t work!
Brewmeister: Oh, da woild is doomed!
[ cut to Oval Office, the President and his men watching the news on TV ]
Reporter: The Martians appear unstoppable! Dey have swarmed all over da f–kin’ planet, spreadin’ destruction and fear! [ grabs note ] Oh! Dis just in: the Martians have blown up da Parthenon!
Aide: [ runs in ] Hey, Mr. President! Da Martians wanna know if we will surrender.
The President: I’m afraid we got no other choice, but to surrender!
Rudy: [ runs in ] Wait a minute, Mr. President! Don’t trow in da towel yet! Toin on da TV!
Reporter: [ on TV ] Da Martians are dyin’! I repeat: dey are dyin’! Da reason is joims! Oith joims! Dey can’t take da joims!
[ President and his men cheer ]
Rudy: Hey! Who woulda thought dat joims could be our friend!
The President: Maybe we loined a lesson heah!
Brewmeister: Yeah! Joims don’t like Martians!
The President: And visa-versa!
Rudy: F–kin’ ‘eyyy!
Announcer: This has been “Da War of Da Woilds”, by Da Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art. Join us next week for “Hoicules Voisus Da Blob”.
