SNL Transcripts: Ted Danson: 02/11/89: Cheers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 11

88l: Ted Danson / Luther Vandross


Woody…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Callahan…..Kevin Nealon
Sen. John Tower…..Phil Hartman
Sam…..Ted Danson
Gov. Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks

Voiceover: “Cheers” is taped before a live audience.

[ open on the Cheers bar, with Woody behind the counter ]

Mr. Callahan: [ puts a tip on the counter and gets up to leave ] Thanks, Woody.

Woody: [ approaches the counter ] Oh, yeah, thanks Mr. Callahan.

John Tower: Woody.. [ points to his glass ] ..fill ‘er up.

Woody: Oh, Senator Tower, it’s closing time.

John Tower: Then give me the bottle!

Woody: Geez, well, don’t you think you’ve had a little too much?

John Tower: Let me tell you something. You want to know something? The only drinking problem I have is drinking too much. But it doesn’t matter because I’m going to be confirmed.

Woody: Oh really? Geez, I was confirmed, when I was 13. You know what my confirmation name was? Paul. They picked it because he was my favorite Beatle!

John Tower: [ peeved ] Woody, I could have you killed. Bring me the bottle.

Woody: [ calling ] Sam!

[ Sam Malone enters from the back room and approaches Woody and Senator Tower ]

Sam Malone: [ in disbelief ] Oh, Senator Tower!

John Tower: [ innocently ] Come on, Sam, all I want is another drink.

Sam Malone: Now, Senator Tower, you know I can’t serve anybody after two, especially alcoholics.

John Tower: Look, tell ya what, let’s make a deal. You give me another drink, and I’ll give you John Tower’s tips for picking up women.

Sam Malone: Woody, give me the bottle. All right, but just one drink here, Senator. [ he takes a bottle and pours it into Tower’s glass ]

John Tower: You’re not gonna regret this. Okay. [ Sam withdraws the bottle after filling it halfway ] Keep it coming! Level it off, come on, don’t be stingy. [ Sam keeps filling the glass to the top. Tower sips from it as it overflows. ] That’s it, keep it comin’!

Sam Malone: No, Senator, that’s it. That’s enough. That’s it.

John Tower: Okay, okay. The secret to picking up women: tell them Defense secrets. [ he takes a drink as Sam looks away disappointingly ]

Woody: Well, what if you don’t know any?

John Tower: Okay, here’s one to get you started. Our Trident submarines? They can be tracked with a simple ham radio. Ha! [ he takes another drink ]

Sam Malone: Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be telling us stuff like that. Now it’s closing time and I’m gonna have to ask you to go. I want everybody to go now.

John Tower: Well, what about him? [ points to a figure slouched over the counter at the other end of the bar. Sam approaches the figure ]

Sam Malone: Governor Dukakis, do you need a ride home? [ Dukakis rises, with a dazed look ]

Michael Dukakis: Sam, did I tell you that I came in second forPresident of the United States?

Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did.

Michael Dukakis: Did I tell you that my parents were immigrants? Greek immigrants! [ he takes a drink ]

Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did. Governor, it’s closing time.

[ Kitty Dukakis enters the bar through the main entrance ]

Kitty Dukakis: Michael? [ sees him at the bar and smiles ] I have been looking all over for you.

Michael Dukakis: Kitty, you’re out.

Kitty Dukakis: And you’re drunk! [ she walks over to him ]

Michael Dukakis: Yes, I’m drunk and.. I’ve had some mixed drinks. I’ve had some cocktails, some shots, and highballs, and.. ehhhh.. chasers, and I’m flying, I’m blind, stinking drunk!

Kitty Dukakis: Michael, come home with me.

John Tower: I’ll go home with you!

Michael Dukakis: [ angrily ] Senator Tower, that’s my wife you’re talking to!

Kitty Dukakis: Michael!

Michael Dukakis: I’m sorry, that was the.. ehhhh.. liquor talking.

John Tower: Yes? No, listen. I’m the one who should be sorry. [ sobs ] It’s just that I need a women so bad!

Kitty Dukakis: [ approaching Tower ] Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be here. You have a confirmation hearing tomorrow! What are you gonna tell that committee?

John Tower: I’m gonna look them straight in the eye and say, “Live, from New York..” [ he passes out and falls over the counter ]

Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] “It’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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