Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 11
Mr. Callahan…..Kevin Nealon
Sen. John Tower…..Phil Hartman
Gov. Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks
Voiceover: “Cheers” is taped before a live audience.
[ open on the Cheers bar, with Woody behind the counter ]
Mr. Callahan: [ puts a tip on the counter and gets up to leave ] Thanks, Woody.
Woody: [ approaches the counter ] Oh, yeah, thanks Mr. Callahan.
John Tower: Woody.. [ points to his glass ] ..fill ‘er up.
Woody: Oh, Senator Tower, it’s closing time.
John Tower: Then give me the bottle!
Woody: Geez, well, don’t you think you’ve had a little too much?
John Tower: Let me tell you something. You want to know something? The only drinking problem I have is drinking too much. But it doesn’t matter because I’m going to be confirmed.
Woody: Oh really? Geez, I was confirmed, when I was 13. You know what my confirmation name was? Paul. They picked it because he was my favorite Beatle!
John Tower: [ peeved ] Woody, I could have you killed. Bring me the bottle.
Woody: [ calling ] Sam!
[ Sam Malone enters from the back room and approaches Woody and Senator Tower ]
Sam Malone: [ in disbelief ] Oh, Senator Tower!
John Tower: [ innocently ] Come on, Sam, all I want is another drink.
Sam Malone: Now, Senator Tower, you know I can’t serve anybody after two, especially alcoholics.
John Tower: Look, tell ya what, let’s make a deal. You give me another drink, and I’ll give you John Tower’s tips for picking up women.
Sam Malone: Woody, give me the bottle. All right, but just one drink here, Senator. [ he takes a bottle and pours it into Tower’s glass ]
John Tower: You’re not gonna regret this. Okay. [ Sam withdraws the bottle after filling it halfway ] Keep it coming! Level it off, come on, don’t be stingy. [ Sam keeps filling the glass to the top. Tower sips from it as it overflows. ] That’s it, keep it comin’!
Sam Malone: No, Senator, that’s it. That’s enough. That’s it.
John Tower: Okay, okay. The secret to picking up women: tell them Defense secrets. [ he takes a drink as Sam looks away disappointingly ]
Woody: Well, what if you don’t know any?
John Tower: Okay, here’s one to get you started. Our Trident submarines? They can be tracked with a simple ham radio. Ha! [ he takes another drink ]
Sam Malone: Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be telling us stuff like that. Now it’s closing time and I’m gonna have to ask you to go. I want everybody to go now.
John Tower: Well, what about him? [ points to a figure slouched over the counter at the other end of the bar. Sam approaches the figure ]
Sam Malone: Governor Dukakis, do you need a ride home? [ Dukakis rises, with a dazed look ]
Michael Dukakis: Sam, did I tell you that I came in second forPresident of the United States?
Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did.
Michael Dukakis: Did I tell you that my parents were immigrants? Greek immigrants! [ he takes a drink ]
Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did. Governor, it’s closing time.
[ Kitty Dukakis enters the bar through the main entrance ]
Kitty Dukakis: Michael? [ sees him at the bar and smiles ] I have been looking all over for you.
Michael Dukakis: Kitty, you’re out.
Kitty Dukakis: And you’re drunk! [ she walks over to him ]
Michael Dukakis: Yes, I’m drunk and.. I’ve had some mixed drinks. I’ve had some cocktails, some shots, and highballs, and.. ehhhh.. chasers, and I’m flying, I’m blind, stinking drunk!
Kitty Dukakis: Michael, come home with me.
John Tower: I’ll go home with you!
Michael Dukakis: [ angrily ] Senator Tower, that’s my wife you’re talking to!
Kitty Dukakis: Michael!
Michael Dukakis: I’m sorry, that was the.. ehhhh.. liquor talking.
John Tower: Yes? No, listen. I’m the one who should be sorry. [ sobs ] It’s just that I need a women so bad!
Kitty Dukakis: [ approaching Tower ] Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be here. You have a confirmation hearing tomorrow! What are you gonna tell that committee?
John Tower: I’m gonna look them straight in the eye and say, “Live, from New York..” [ he passes out and falls over the counter ]
Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] “It’s Saturday Night!“
Submitted by: Rob Holtman