Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 11
88l: Ted Danson / Luther Vandross
Living With Hogs
Husband…..Ted Danson
Wife…..Nora Dunn
Neighbor…..Phil Hartman
[ open on exterior, apartment building ]
[ dissolve to interior, close-up of Husband and Wife sitting on couch reading the newspaper ]
Husband: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. murder and war, corruption.. crazy world out there.
Wife: I know, I get depressed just thinking about it.
Husband: You know, I think I’d go nuts myself, if it weren’t for the hogs.
[ cut to wide shot, numerous hogs pacing around the living room, often bumping into one another with comedic results ]
Wife: I know what you mean.
Husband: Oh, I wonder what’s on the tube. You seen the TV Guide?
Wife: I think the hogs have it.
Husband: [ rummages amongst the hogs, finds the remote ] Hey, look – pearls! [ laughs ] Just kidding!
Wife: You got it?
Husband: Yeah.
Wife: Hey, as long as you’re up, can you move that hog over there? [ points ]
Husband: Yeah.
Wife: Just to the right. [ Husband moves the hog over an inch ] Great!
Husband: Not bad, huh? [ sits back on couch ]
[ phone rings ]
Wife: [ gets up to answer phone, excusing herself to hog in the way ] Hello.. Why, I’m sorry you feel that way.. Are you sure..? Okay. [ hangs up phone ]
Husband: Who’s that?
Wife: Ohh, the new cleaning lady quit.
Husband: Again? Well, did she say why?
Wife: She didn’t say. She just quit!
Husband: Well, that doesn’t make any sense. [ thinking ] Unless, maybe.. it’s the hogs.
Wife: No, no.. I think she was just unhappy.
Husband: Boy, you know, sweetheart, I’ve been thinknig about the hogs..
Wife: What about the hogs?
Husband: Well, you know, it’s just that, sometimes, I look at this apartment, and I look at our lives, and I look at the hogs..
Wife: Yeah, the hogs?
Husband: I don’t know, sometimes I think we just, you know, should start over.. just go somewhere with nothing!
Wife: What do you mean, without the hogs?
Husband: No, no.. I mean, with just the hogs. You know, quit the firm, move out into the country.. or maybe even just a new apartment.
Wife: I know, you always think that way when the new cleaning lady quits.
Husband: Yeah, you’re right.. [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it.
Wife: Watch out for the hogs, please.
Husband: It’s alright. [ answers door ] Yeah?
Neighbor: I’m your downstairs neighbor. I’m here to complain about.. the hogs.
Husband: Well, why? Did they do something wrong?
Neighbor: Yes! They exist!
Wife: Well, what is it, what’s the matter?
Husband: Well, I think something wrong with the hogs here, I think.
Wife: No! no, the hogs are fine!
Neighbor: No, they are not fine! They root around on my ceiling day and night! They are ruining my life!
Husband: You know, it’s awfully easy to blame all the problems of the world on hogs.
Wife: Yeah, blame it on the hogs.. blame it on the hogs.. everybody else does.
Neighbor: What about the stuff dripping down into my living room? What about the smell? What about the squealing?!
Wife: Now, wait a minute here! Our hogs do not squeal!
Neighbor: Oh?! Well, maybe it was the hogs next door! Or perhaps the ones across the hall! Or maybe some wild hogs slipped in past the doormen! Or maybe, just maybe, the bacon in my refrigerator wasn’t quite DEAD yet!!
Husband: Hey, fella, that’s enough! I think you’d better leave!
Wife: Yes, I do.
Neighbor: Excuse me.. [ stumbles toward the door ]
Husband: You just make your way out of here right now!
Wife: Watch out for the hogs!
Neighbor: Well, you can believe I’m gonna be bringing this up at the next Tenant’s Meeting! [ exits ]
Husband: You know, if he wants to play that way – fine! I’ll tell you, there’s some complaints I’ll bring up about his cat!
Wife: Oh, just ignore him, he’s not worth it. Let’s just sit down and relax!
Husband: [ calming down ] You’re right.. you’re right.. I’m sorry. [ sits ] Oh, you know, this is the life! You know, you can really be yourself in a room full of hogs.
Wife: Yeah, they don’t go around judging you, that’s one thing you can say about them.
Husband: Right. And they accept you the way you are. And I’m not saying they’re easily impressed. You know, you still have to earn their respect!
Wife: Yeah, but it’s not that hard.
Husband: Exactly.
Wife: [ thinking ] Hey, let’s go out in the kitchen and just fix up a big bucket of slop, so we can sit here and watch them feed, huh?
Husband: Honey.. I love you.
[ fade ]
