Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 13
Stagehand…..Bob Van Ry
Stangehand: Here are the script changes, Mr. Neilsen.
Leslie Neilsen: Thank you, Bobby. [ puts script down, looks at camera ] Hello. I’m Leslie Neilsen, liver spot sufferer. You know, people ask me, “Leslie, after so many years in television and movies, are you at all embarrassed about appearing in ads for Blotch-Off?” [ holds up product ] A livder spot remover from Geritech that works while you sleep. The answer is no, becuse Blotch-Off really works. You see, I used to covered with ugly, embarrassing old-age spots. you see, that could be a real problem in my profession.[ walks over to second product ]
Not as big a problem, however, as a loss of bladder control. Now, imagine doing a scene with some lovely young actress, and soiling both your costume and hers. Now, that can be embarrassing. That’s why I wear Dripmaster.. [ holds product ] ..the undergarment from Geritech that takes the worry out of walking around. In fact, I’m relieving myself right now!
I’m just stepping over here now, because I’d like to tell you about something that I’m really proud of. Bung-King Hemmorhoidal Cream. You may think your hemmorhoidal preapration is top-notch, but Bung-King from Geritech is the only hemmorhoidal cream with that.. [ bell rings ] ..patch of lanolin. So, the next time you feel that burning, painful itch, reach for Bung-King, the only hemmorhoidal cream and suppository with my face on it.[ walks to the side again ]
Now I know you’re thinking about.. [ echo ] ..diarrhea! Well, I’m just an actor, but I get diarrhea all the time. That’s why.. [ holds up product ] ..Solidex is always in my medicine cabient, and in my make-up kit.
Stangehand: Ready for another take, Mr. Neilsen.
Leslie Neilsen: Well, gotta go! [ smiles ] And I’m ready, thanks to Blotch-Off, Dripmaster, Bung-King and Solidex. Now, I can concrentrate on my craft.
Announcer: Ask for the Geritech line of personal products when you have a problem that’s embarrassing.
Leslie Neilsen: Tell them.. Leslie sent you!
Announcer: Meet Leslie Nielsen at a Wal-Mart near you, and ask Leslie to sign your Dripmaster carton!
Leslie Neilsen: If you think I’m embarrassed endorsing the Geritech line of products, you just don’t know me.