SNL Transcripts: Leslie Nielsen: 02/18/89: Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice

Mr. Subliminal…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Leslie Nielsen
Bartender…..Jon Lovitz
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Policeman…..Phil Hartman

[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]

Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.

Ted: I just can’t get the hang of it..

Mr. Subliminal: That’s because it’s new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.

Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here’s your beers.

Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner – on the house – that was quick – on the house – what do we owe you?

Bartender: Uh.. forget about it – on the house!

Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something – free cash – this is a real classy place – free cash – first time we’ve been here.

Bartender: Oh, I’m glad you like it. I’ve been working here for years.

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash – that’s great!

Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.

Mr. Subliminal: What’s this for?

Bartender: It’s free cash, take it.

Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!

Mr. Subliminal: No, really – free cash – we can’t take this – your wallet – I mean, what would we do with it?

Bartender: Well, don’t be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!

Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?

Ted: See what?

Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book.

Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line – lonely – I just thought that you might – lonely – you know, like to talk.

Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me – hot sex – I’m not hitting on you – hot sex – I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!

Woman: [ nods ] You do, don’t you?

Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.

Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.

Mr. Subliminal: Well..

Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?

Ted: Uh.. yeah..

Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name’s Phil, Phil Maloney – kiss me – and it’s a real plasure meeting you – kiss me – a real pleasure!

Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for – your place – I mean, that was nice – your place – I mean, and you are..?

Woman: I’m Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!

Woman: It’s a five-story walk-up, I hope you don’t mind..

Mr. Subliminal: Mind? – hotel – No, I don’t mind – luxury hotel – maybe I’ll lose some weight – your treat – [ laughs ].

Woman: Better yet – how about we go away to a luxury hotel – I’ll pay! How about that?

Mr. Subliminal: Great idea – horny – there’s one right around the corner – handcuffs – let’s go!

Woman: Okay, let’s go!

Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then – spank me – let’s go1

[ they rush out of the bar ] [ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]

Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I’m beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..

Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?

Ted: Uh.. that’s mine, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman: Yeah, it’s a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.

Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – TIE ME UP! – it was dark.

Policeman: What did you say?

Ted: I said – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – SPANK ME! – it was dark.

Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you’re going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]

Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please – KISS ME! Officer, no – KISS ME! Officer, no – HORNY! Please – YOUR PLACE! Officer..

[ fade out ]

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