Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 13
88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies
Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice
Mr. Subliminal…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Leslie Nielsen
Bartender…..Jon Lovitz
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Policeman…..Phil Hartman
[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]
Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.
Ted: I just can’t get the hang of it..
Mr. Subliminal: That’s because it’s new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.
Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here’s your beers.
Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner – on the house – that was quick – on the house – what do we owe you?
Bartender: Uh.. forget about it – on the house!
Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something – free cash – this is a real classy place – free cash – first time we’ve been here.
Bartender: Oh, I’m glad you like it. I’ve been working here for years.
Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash – that’s great!
Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.
Mr. Subliminal: What’s this for?
Bartender: It’s free cash, take it.
Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!
Mr. Subliminal: No, really – free cash – we can’t take this – your wallet – I mean, what would we do with it?
Bartender: Well, don’t be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!
Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?
Ted: See what?
Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?
Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book.
Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line – lonely – I just thought that you might – lonely – you know, like to talk.
Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?
Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me – hot sex – I’m not hitting on you – hot sex – I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!
Woman: [ nods ] You do, don’t you?
Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.
Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.
Mr. Subliminal: Well..
Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]
Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?
Ted: Uh.. yeah..
Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name’s Phil, Phil Maloney – kiss me – and it’s a real plasure meeting you – kiss me – a real pleasure!
Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]
Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for – your place – I mean, that was nice – your place – I mean, and you are..?
Woman: I’m Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?
Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!
Woman: It’s a five-story walk-up, I hope you don’t mind..
Mr. Subliminal: Mind? – hotel – No, I don’t mind – luxury hotel – maybe I’ll lose some weight – your treat – [ laughs ].
Woman: Better yet – how about we go away to a luxury hotel – I’ll pay! How about that?
Mr. Subliminal: Great idea – horny – there’s one right around the corner – handcuffs – let’s go!
Woman: Okay, let’s go!
Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then – spank me – let’s go1
[ they rush out of the bar ]
[ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]
Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I’m beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..
Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?
Ted: Uh.. that’s mine, Officer. Is there a problem?
Policeman: Yeah, it’s a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.
Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – TIE ME UP! – it was dark.
Policeman: What did you say?
Ted: I said – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – SPANK ME! – it was dark.
Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you’re going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]
Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please – KISS ME! Officer, no – KISS ME! Officer, no – HORNY! Please – YOUR PLACE! Officer..
[ fade out ]
