SNL Transcripts: Leslie Nielsen: 02/18/89: Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice

Mr. Subliminal…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Leslie Nielsen
Bartender…..Jon Lovitz
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Policeman…..Phil Hartman

[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]

Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.

Ted: I just can’t get the hang of it..

Mr. Subliminal: That’s because it’s new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.

Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here’s your beers.

Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner – on the house – that was quick – on the house – what do we owe you?

Bartender: Uh.. forget about it – on the house!

Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something – free cash – this is a real classy place – free cash – first time we’ve been here.

Bartender: Oh, I’m glad you like it. I’ve been working here for years.

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash – that’s great!

Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.

Mr. Subliminal: What’s this for?

Bartender: It’s free cash, take it.

Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!

Mr. Subliminal: No, really – free cash – we can’t take this – your wallet – I mean, what would we do with it?

Bartender: Well, don’t be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!

Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?

Ted: See what?

Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book.

Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line – lonely – I just thought that you might – lonely – you know, like to talk.

Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me – hot sex – I’m not hitting on you – hot sex – I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!

Woman: [ nods ] You do, don’t you?

Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.

Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.

Mr. Subliminal: Well..

Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?

Ted: Uh.. yeah..

Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name’s Phil, Phil Maloney – kiss me – and it’s a real plasure meeting you – kiss me – a real pleasure!

Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for – your place – I mean, that was nice – your place – I mean, and you are..?

Woman: I’m Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!

Woman: It’s a five-story walk-up, I hope you don’t mind..

Mr. Subliminal: Mind? – hotel – No, I don’t mind – luxury hotel – maybe I’ll lose some weight – your treat – [ laughs ].

Woman: Better yet – how about we go away to a luxury hotel – I’ll pay! How about that?

Mr. Subliminal: Great idea – horny – there’s one right around the corner – handcuffs – let’s go!

Woman: Okay, let’s go!

Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then – spank me – let’s go1

[ they rush out of the bar ] [ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]

Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I’m beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..

Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?

Ted: Uh.. that’s mine, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman: Yeah, it’s a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.

Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – TIE ME UP! – it was dark.

Policeman: What did you say?

Ted: I said – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – SPANK ME! – it was dark.

Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you’re going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]

Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please – KISS ME! Officer, no – KISS ME! Officer, no – HORNY! Please – YOUR PLACE! Officer..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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