SNL Transcripts: Leslie Nielsen: 02/18/89: Wayne’s World



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13





88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Beev…..Phil Hartman
Nancy…..Jan Hooks
Caller…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Okay, like, welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Alright, here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, man, it’s time to party! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Now, let’s bring out our first guest! His name is Beev, and he owns Wishing Well convenience store! So, here’s Beev! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!”

[ Beev walks downstairs slowly, then sits between Wayne and Garth ]

Hi, Beev! how are you, man?

Beev: I’m alright, Wayne, how are you?

Wayne: Excellent!

Beev: How are you, Garth?

Garth: Excellent, Dad!

Garth: Bonus! So, Beev, what gives? How come you moved the pop cooler from the back of the store all the way to the front of the store, huh?

Beev: Well, Wayne, as you know, Wishing Well convenience store has experienced a rash of.. shoplifting lately. Especially of the.. soft drinks! So I thought I’d move the cooler to the front of the store, where I can keep an eye on it.

Wayne: Alright, that’s a great idea, good work, Beev. But, Garth, I’ve got a question for you. Your dad is Beev, right?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: At home, is he a goof, or what? I mean, does he tell you not to do stuff, like read the magazines, and stuff?

Garth: Sometimes, you know, he’s just a normal dad, you know, but I wish he’d get his teeth fixed, so people wouldn’t keep calling him the “Beev”, it’s really bogus.

Wayne: [ laughs ] Okay, now it’s time for Wayne’s Top Ten! [ jams ] “Wayne’s Top Ten! Top Ten! Party Time! Top Ten!” Alright, tonight’s Top Ten topic is the Top Ten Things That Beev Says.

Alright, number ten: “Hey, you kids, buy something or leave.”

Number nine: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number eight: “Either you empty out your pockets or you are banned from the store.”

Number seven: “Should’nt you kids be in class?”

Number six: “Eat your junk food outside the store.”

Number five: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number four: “Wayne’s the coolest guy in the world.”

Number three: “All the chicks dig Wayne big time.”

Number two: “I wish I could be as cool as Wayne.”

And number one: “Hi, my name is Beev.. I’m a big fag.”

Beev: [ angry, stands ] You little punk! You’re banned from the store, you long-haired freak!

Garth: [ aghast ] Hey, Wayne.. that’s, like, my dad, dude!

Wayne: Alright, take a pill, alright, I’m joking, okay! Don’t go mental!

Beev: I’ll see you at home, Garth! [ exits upstairs ]

Garth: Later, Dad.. Wayne, you goof! I can’t believe it!

Wayne: Garth, chill, okay? Alright, Beev can’t stay, he has other commitments. So let’s bring out our next guest. Her name is Nancy, she’s an excellent babe, please welcome Nancy! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!” [ Nancy jumps on the couch ] Hi, Nancy, how are you, babe?

Nancy: Hi, I’m okay, Wayne, you?

Wayne: Good, good.. Okay, let’s get to the point – do you stuff?

Nancy: No. But I know who does.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Who?

Nancy: Sally.. Susan..

Garth: Susan?! What a gypola, man!

Nancy: Yeah.

Wayne: Okay, the next question is – do you like Garth?

Garth: Aw, shut up, you gimp!

Nancy: [ laughs hysterically ] No-o! I have a boyfriend!

Wayne: What do chicks think about us?

Nancy: Well.. a lot of girls like Garth, because he’s real quiet. But most girls think you’re conceited, Wayne.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Uh-huh. Way.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Way! Sorry! You think you’re so cool, just because yu’ve got a show.

Wayne: Man, that is so bogus!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Well, if you think I’m conceited, you’re wrong, alright?

Nancy: Uh-uh.

Wayne: Because I’m just trying to impress you, because I.. really like you, you know? I think you’re an excellent person, I think you’re great. I love you in every way. [ sings “Dream Weaver” ]

Nancy: [ touched ] Really?

Wayne: Fished in!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: [ mimes reeling in a two-punder ]

Garth: We caught us a 100-pound chick, dude! Get the net, man!

Nancy: Shut up! you guys are gross! All the girls think you’ve got the mugs, anyway.

Wayne: Shyea, right!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Hey, Nancy..!

Nancy: What?

Wayne: ..sucks!

Nancy: I’m going away, you guys are goofs, I’m getting out of here. [ exits upstairs ]

Wayne: Alright, later, Nance. Alright, let’s go to the phone, okay? Hello, you’re on the air, welcome to “Wayne’s World”.

Caller: Hey, Wayne, man, I am grossed out!

Wayne: Grossed out? Why, what happened?

Caller: I was neking with my girlfriend, and she blew chunks on me!

Wayne & Garth: Oh, man, that’s gross, dude!

Caller: Tell me about it! These big, gnarly chunks!

Wayne: Alright, stay calm, man, stay calm.. I have a question.

Caller: Okay, what?

Wayne: Alreight, do you still have puke on your face?

Caller: No, I washed it off!

Garth: Did you change your shirt, dude?

Caller: Yeah!

Wayne: Okay, where’s your girlfriend now? Are you in danger of being puked on again?

Caller: No, no, man, she passed out.

Wayne: [ excited ] Ex-cell-ent!

Garth: You’re golden, dude!

Caller: What do you.. ohhhhh.. now I see what you guys are getting at! Alright, see you later! [ chanting ] Wayne’s Word! Wayne’s World!

Wayne: Alright, see you later! Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week. Until then, good night, party onnnn!!

Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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