Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 13
88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies
Wayne’s World
Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Beev…..Phil Hartman
Nancy…..Jan Hooks
Caller…..Jon Lovitz
Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.
[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”
Garth: Okay, like, welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Alright, here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, man, it’s time to party! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Now, let’s bring out our first guest! His name is Beev, and he owns Wishing Well convenience store! So, here’s Beev! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!”
[ Beev walks downstairs slowly, then sits between Wayne and Garth ]Hi, Beev! how are you, man?
Beev: I’m alright, Wayne, how are you?
Wayne: Excellent!
Beev: How are you, Garth?
Garth: Excellent, Dad!
Garth: Bonus! So, Beev, what gives? How come you moved the pop cooler from the back of the store all the way to the front of the store, huh?
Beev: Well, Wayne, as you know, Wishing Well convenience store has experienced a rash of.. shoplifting lately. Especially of the.. soft drinks! So I thought I’d move the cooler to the front of the store, where I can keep an eye on it.
Wayne: Alright, that’s a great idea, good work, Beev. But, Garth, I’ve got a question for you. Your dad is Beev, right?
Garth: Yeah.
Wayne: At home, is he a goof, or what? I mean, does he tell you not to do stuff, like read the magazines, and stuff?
Garth: Sometimes, you know, he’s just a normal dad, you know, but I wish he’d get his teeth fixed, so people wouldn’t keep calling him the “Beev”, it’s really bogus.
Wayne: [ laughs ] Okay, now it’s time for Wayne’s Top Ten! [ jams ] “Wayne’s Top Ten! Top Ten! Party Time! Top Ten!” Alright, tonight’s Top Ten topic is the Top Ten Things That Beev Says.
Alright, number ten: “Hey, you kids, buy something or leave.”
Number nine: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”
Number eight: “Either you empty out your pockets or you are banned from the store.”
Number seven: “Should’nt you kids be in class?”
Number six: “Eat your junk food outside the store.”
Number five: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”
Number four: “Wayne’s the coolest guy in the world.”
Number three: “All the chicks dig Wayne big time.”
Number two: “I wish I could be as cool as Wayne.”
And number one: “Hi, my name is Beev.. I’m a big fag.”
Beev: [ angry, stands ] You little punk! You’re banned from the store, you long-haired freak!
Garth: [ aghast ] Hey, Wayne.. that’s, like, my dad, dude!
Wayne: Alright, take a pill, alright, I’m joking, okay! Don’t go mental!
Beev: I’ll see you at home, Garth! [ exits upstairs ]
Garth: Later, Dad.. Wayne, you goof! I can’t believe it!
Wayne: Garth, chill, okay? Alright, Beev can’t stay, he has other commitments. So let’s bring out our next guest. Her name is Nancy, she’s an excellent babe, please welcome Nancy! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!” [ Nancy jumps on the couch ] Hi, Nancy, how are you, babe?
Nancy: Hi, I’m okay, Wayne, you?
Wayne: Good, good.. Okay, let’s get to the point – do you stuff?
Nancy: No. But I know who does.
Garth: Excellent!
Wayne: Who?
Nancy: Sally.. Susan..
Garth: Susan?! What a gypola, man!
Nancy: Yeah.
Wayne: Okay, the next question is – do you like Garth?
Garth: Aw, shut up, you gimp!
Nancy: [ laughs hysterically ] No-o! I have a boyfriend!
Wayne: What do chicks think about us?
Nancy: Well.. a lot of girls like Garth, because he’s real quiet. But most girls think you’re conceited, Wayne.
Wayne: No way!
Nancy: Uh-huh. Way.
Wayne: No way!
Nancy: Way! Sorry! You think you’re so cool, just because yu’ve got a show.
Wayne: Man, that is so bogus!
Nancy: It’s true.
Wayne: Well, if you think I’m conceited, you’re wrong, alright?
Nancy: Uh-uh.
Wayne: Because I’m just trying to impress you, because I.. really like you, you know? I think you’re an excellent person, I think you’re great. I love you in every way. [ sings “Dream Weaver” ]
Nancy: [ touched ] Really?
Wayne: Fished in!
Garth: Alright!
Wayne: [ mimes reeling in a two-punder ]
Garth: We caught us a 100-pound chick, dude! Get the net, man!
Nancy: Shut up! you guys are gross! All the girls think you’ve got the mugs, anyway.
Wayne: Shyea, right!
Nancy: It’s true.
Wayne: Hey, Nancy..!
Nancy: What?
Wayne: ..sucks!
Nancy: I’m going away, you guys are goofs, I’m getting out of here. [ exits upstairs ]
Wayne: Alright, later, Nance. Alright, let’s go to the phone, okay? Hello, you’re on the air, welcome to “Wayne’s World”.
Caller: Hey, Wayne, man, I am grossed out!
Wayne: Grossed out? Why, what happened?
Caller: I was neking with my girlfriend, and she blew chunks on me!
Wayne & Garth: Oh, man, that’s gross, dude!
Caller: Tell me about it! These big, gnarly chunks!
Wayne: Alright, stay calm, man, stay calm.. I have a question.
Caller: Okay, what?
Wayne: Alreight, do you still have puke on your face?
Caller: No, I washed it off!
Garth: Did you change your shirt, dude?
Caller: Yeah!
Wayne: Okay, where’s your girlfriend now? Are you in danger of being puked on again?
Caller: No, no, man, she passed out.
Wayne: [ excited ] Ex-cell-ent!
Garth: You’re golden, dude!
Caller: What do you.. ohhhhh.. now I see what you guys are getting at! Alright, see you later! [ chanting ] Wayne’s Word! Wayne’s World!
Wayne: Alright, see you later! Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week. Until then, good night, party onnnn!!
Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”
[ fade ]
