SNL Transcripts: Mary Tyler Moore: 03/25/89: Customs Officer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 15

88o: Mary Tyler Moore / Elvis Costello

Customs Officer

Customs Officer…..Mary Tyler Moore
Mr. Powers…..Phli Hartman
Mr. Monterro…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Drake…..Kevin Nealon
Line Cutter…..Ben Stiller
Jewel Smuggler…..Jon Lovitz
Man in Line…..Al Franken

[ open on Customs Officer checking bags at the airport ]

Customs Officer: Hello, Mr… [ reads passport ] ..Powers. How was your trip to Brussels today?

Mr. Powers: Fine, thank you.

Customs Officer: Uh-huh. Will you be declaring anything?

Mr. Powers: Nope.

Customs Officer: Okay. If you did have anything to declare, now would be the time to tell me.

Mr. Powers: I understand.

Customs Officer: You see, there’s no way for me to know one way or the other.. all I can do is ask!

Mr. Powers: Uh-huh. Of course.

Customs Officer: But I think the people in this line are good. If they’ve got something to tell me, I’m sure they won’t be afraid to just come right out and say it!

Mr. Powers: [ shaky ] Right..

Customs Officer: It’s alright, Mr. Powers. Just tell me.

Mr. Powers: Well.. uh.. I bought a bracelet for my wife, and I..didn’t want to pay any duty on it.. but I guess I should, shouldn’t I..?

Customs Officer: [ elated ] I think so! I think telling me was the right thing to do.

Mr. Powers: You know, I never declare gifts when I come throughCustoms, but you’re different.. I don’t know.. I just.. couldn’tlie to you!

Customs Officer: Well, thanks, Mr. Powers! By the way, therewill be a small fine for failure to declare.

Mr. Powers: That’s okay! I have it coming. [ walks away ]

Customs Officer: Take care! [ next passenger approaches ] Hello.. [ reads passport ] Mr. Monterro. Do you have anything to declare?

Mr. Monterro: No.

Customs Officer: Mmm-hmm.. I see you’re from Bogata, Columbia.

Mr. Monterro: Yes, that’s right.

Customs Officer: Yeah.. there’s a great deal of drug traffickingbetwene Bogato and this city, and.. that worries a little. But since Idon’t know you very well, I’m just gonna come right out and ask: Are you bringing any drugs into our country?

Mr. Monterro: No.

Customs Officer: Now, please, Mr. Monterro, be honest with me. Are you smuggling drugs into this country right now.

Mr. Monterro: [ cracking ] Yes.

Customs Officer: Are they in the suitcase?

Mr. Monterro: No, they’re in the handle, you never would have found ’em.

Customs Officer: Oh, well, it’s a good thing you told me, then! [ laughs ] You’ll be going to prison now.

Mr. Monterro: I realize that. Okay, goodbye.

Customs Officer: Goodbye!

Mr. Monterro: Have a nice day. [ policeman carts him away ]

Customs Officer: [ to next passenger ] Hello!

Mr. Drake: Hello.

Customs Officer: [ reads passport ] Mr. Drake. All I ask, Mr. Drake, is that you’re upfront with me. I think that’s fair. Now.. is there anything you want to tell me?

Mr. Drake: [ thinking ] Yes.. there is. That passport is fake. I’m a spy.

Customs Officer: Well, you know spying is capitol offense in this country.. but I’m so glad we got this thing out in the open, aren’t you?

Mr. Drake: Yeah, me too.. [ a policeman carts him away ]

Customs Officer: Alright, take good care of yourself! [ to nextpassenger ] Hello!

Line Cutter: Hi. Look, I.. I cut the line.. I don’t even deserve to be here, so I’ll just go in the back. I’ll see you in.. about 40 minutes..

Customs Officer: Oh, that’s fine! And good for you! Just great!

[ Line Cutter goes to the back of the line – next passenger steps up ]

Jewel Smuggler: Uh.. I couldn’t help overhearing what you weresaying to the others, and I think I should tell you that I’m smugglingdiamonds..

Customs Officer: Well, I’m so glad you told me that! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it when people are frank with me. [ grabs briefcase ] But I’m afriad we are going to have to impound this.

Jewel Smuggler: Well, they’re not.. they’re not in my briefcase..

Customs Officer: I see. Are they in your pockets?

Jewel Smuggler: No.

Customs Officer: Well, do you have them with you right now? Be honest.

Jewel Smuggler: [ uncomfortable ] Yes..

Customs Officer: Are they hidden on your body somewhere?

Jewel Smuggler: Sort of..

Customs Officer: Don’t be afraid – just tell me where onyour body.

Jewel Smuggler: [ extremely uncomfortable ] They’re sort ofinside my body. It’s bad..

Customs Officer: Oh.. You know.. it took a lot of guts for you to tell me that. Something so private, I am really proud of you!

Jewel Smuggler: Thank you, but..

Customs Officer: [ to the crowd ] Everyone, could I have yourattention for just a minute, please? [ to Jewel Smuggler ] What is yourname?

Jewel Smuggler: [ whispering ] Arthur.

Customs Officer: Listen, everybody! This man, Arthur, just didsomething so courageous! He made a bad mistake, but he did theright thing, and he told me about it!

Man in Line: What did he do wrong?

Jewel Smuggler: Well, it seems that Artur here smuggled diamonds.. in a.. body cavity.. Now, that was a hard thing to talk about, but Artur was very honest. I think you should all try to be a little more like Arthur! [ the crowd applauds his honesty ] Yes, indeed. You’re gonna have to spend a long time in jail, Arthur.. but right now, I see a young man who deserves some ice cream! Come on, you!

[ walks Arthur out of the Customs Area ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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