Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 15
The Sweeney Sisters
Candy Sweeney…..Jan Hooks
Liz Sweeeny…..Nora Dunn
Audrey Sweeney…..Mary Tyler Moore
Candy Sweeney: Hello! Looks like it’s gonna be a nice crowd!
Liz Sweeney: Yeah, I think playing the Lobby is a good idea. We’re gonna get a lot of walk-in business.
Candy Sweeney: You bet.
Audrey Sweeney: [ steps up by surprise ] Hi!
Candy Sweeney: Audrey!
Liz Sweeney: Audrey!
Candy Sweeney: Audrey, what are you doing here?
Audrey Sweeney: Well, can’t I come see my baby sisters perform?
Liz Sweeney: [ confused ] Did we send you a flyer?
Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. did you leave Frank again? Audrey is silent ] Uh-oh..
Liz Sweeney: Oh, boy.. I think we’d better sit down a minute and pow-wow.
Candy Sweeney: [ raises hand ] And how![ they all laugh as they sit down ]
Audrey Sweeney: Candy, you are still a laugh riot! [ laughs ]
Candy Sweeney: Guilty!
Audrey Sweeney: Frank and I never laugh anymore. He lost another job, fooling around.. I’ve left him for good this time.
Liz Sweeney: That’s why I married my music.
Candy Sweeney: I’m with Liz. When I feel those lights on my face and that mike in my hands, and the waves of love rolling in from the audience, and then that splitter-splutter of applause when it’s over. Now, that – that is a relationship.
Liz Sweeney: Why don’t you sing with us tonight?
Audrey Sweeney: Oh, no!
Candy Sweeney: Yeah, yeah! Come on!
Audrey Sweeney: I’m not a singer anymore – you are! You stuck with it, and.. boy, look where you are now.. Besides, my pipes are pretty rusty. [ demonstrates a half-decent singing voice ] No, no.. you go ahead![ Liz and Candy grab their microphones and step onto the stage in the middle Candy Sweeney: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Holiday Inn. We’re so happy to see you. I’m Candy Sweeney.
Liz Sweeney: And I’m Liz Sweeney.
Candy Sweeney: And we’re..
Liz & Candy: ..The Sweeney Sisters![ the elevator chimes, as people step out ]
Candy Sweeney: You must have pressed “L”, for “Lobby.” Join us,please. [ the people sit down ] You know, isn’t our room great here at the Holiday Inn?
Liz Sweeney: It sure is. We each get our own double bed.
Candy Sweeney: Yeah! And every room has HBO.
Liz Sweeney: Yes! HBO, yes.
Candy Sweeney: You know, last night I was watching “The Terminator”..
Liz Sweeney: I thought she was snoring!
Candy Sweeney: What?![ they laugh gleefully ]
Liz Sweeney: [ points to Audrey ] That’s for you!
Candy Sweeney: No, but seriously, remember the ice machines are on every floor on the West Wing.
Liz Sweeney: Yes. Take only what you need, remember your neighbors want soft drinks as well.
Candy Sweeney: Yes.[ the music picks up, and they start to sing ]
Liz & Candy: “We are fam-i-ly!
I got all my sisters with me!”
Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, we are family tonight. We’ve got our sister Audrey in the audience with us. [ Audrey blows them a kiss ] Hello! Yeah. And, you know, Audrey is having a little man trouble, seems we’d better give her a lift.
Liz Sweeney: Let’s do.
Liz & Candy: [ singing ]“The road gets rougher
It’s lonelier and tougher
The nights grow colder
and suddenly you’re older
And all because of the man that got away-ay-ay..”
Liz Sweeney: “A-way we were-re-re..” Thank you.
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]“Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Do you know where you’re going to?
Do.. you.. know?“
Liz Sweeney: [ singing ]“Do you know the way to San Jose?”
Candy Sweeney: “Wo-wo wo-wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo-wo!”
Liz Sweeney: She’d better know the way to Reno!
Candy Sweeney: Uh-oh! [ singing ]“Her D-I-V-O-R-C-E
becomes final today!”
Liz & Candy: “Me and little J-O-E
will be going away-ay!“
Liz Sweeney: “A-way we were-re-re..”
Candy Sweeney: “One less.. bell to answer.”
Liz Sweeney: “One less.. egg to fryyyyyyyy..”[ Audrey pulls a microphone out of purse and stands triumphantly below the stage ]
Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ]“One less man.. to pick up after!”
Candy Sweeney: Yes! [ singing ] “No more laughter..”
Liz & Candy: “No more lo-o-o-o-o-ovvvvvve..”[ Audrey joins them on stage ]
Candy Sweeney: “At first, I was afraid
I was pretrified!”
Liz Sweeney: “Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side.”
Audrey Sweeney: “But, then, I spent so many nights just thinking how he’d done me wrong
And I grew strong!”
Liz & Candy: “And you learned how to get alongggggg..”
Audrey Sweeney: But wait! [ singing softly ]Fish gotta swim
Birds gotta fly.
I gotta love one man ’til I die
Can’t stop loving that man.. of mine!”
Candy Sweeney: [ taps Audrey’s shoulder ] Hey!
Liz & Candy: “You gotta wash that man right out of your hair!”
Audrey Sweeney: I know it!
Liz & Candy: “You better wash that man right out of your hair!”
Audrey Sweeney: You’re right!
Liz & Candy: “And then send him on his wa-ay-ay!”
Liz Sweeney: “His way we were-re-re..”
Candy Sweeney: Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring!
Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ]“Let it please be him
Oh, dear God, it must be him
It must be him, or I will die..”
Liz & Candy: “No, you won’t die-ie-ie-ie!”
Candy Sweeney: Skip! [ the music stops ] I’m gonna bring the room down for a minute..
[ whispering ] “Hit the road, Jack.
Don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!
Hit the road, Jack”
“And don’t you come back.. no more.”
Audrey Sweeney: Thanks, Sis!
Candy Sweeney: You bet!
Audrey Sweeney: “He keep saying he’s got something for me.”
Liz Sweeney: Here we go.
Candy Sweeney: Ha!
Audrey Sweeney: “Something he calls love, but confess!”
Liz Sweeney: Come with me!
Candy Sweeney: Alright!
Liz Sweeney: “He’s been messin’ where he shouldn’ta been a-messin’!”
Candy Sweeney: “And now someone else is gettin’ all his best!”
Together: “These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do!
One of these days these boots are gonna..”
Candy Sweeney: Walk!
Liz Sweeney: Walk!
Audrey Sweeney: Walk?
Candy Sweeney: Clang!
Liz Sweeney: What?
Audrey Sweeney: Clang!
Together: Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
[ singing ]“Clang-clang-clang went the trolley!
Ding-ding-ding went the bell!”
Liz Sweeney: Here we go now!
Together: “We are fam-i-ly!
I’ve got all my sistersw with me!
We’re.. Sweeney.. three-ee-ee-ee-ee!”