Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 16
Raymond Babbitt…..Dana Carvey
Pete Rose…..Phil Hartman
Charlie Babbitt…..Ben Stiller
[ SUPER: “Wallbrook Sanatorium, Cincinnati, Ohio” ]
Doctor: Raymond? Your friend is here to see you.
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah.. definitely 3:30.. yeah, yeah.. definitely time to see my friend.. definitely 3:30..
Doctor: [ facing the hall ] Alright, you can come in now.
Pete Rose: Hi, Raymond.
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah..
Pete Rose: It’s me, Pete.
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah, Pete.. yeah, Pete Rose.. yeah, definitely.. yeah, yeah, Pete Rose.. yeah, definitely Pete Rose.. definiytely Charlie Hustle, 3:30..
Pete Rose: [ sitting ] Alright, alright, great. Alright, Raymond, here’s your cheese balls, now what have you got for me on opening day?
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. yeah.. opening day, Kansas Stadium, opening day.. yeah, yeah.. you’re up against a left-hander on artificial turf.. yeah, yeah.. 21 to 9.. left-hander on artificlal turf, yeah..
Pete Rose: Are you sure?
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, sure.. yeah.. of course, I’m an excellent driver..
Pete Rose: Good, good, okay, Raymond, what else you got?
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah.. definitely San Diego Padres over Cincinnati.. yeah.. yeah, Cincinnati.. yeah, definitely Padres is a very strong road team.. 52 and 29 last year on the road.. yeah, Padres over Cincinnati..
Pete Rose: Uh.. that’s okay, Raymond, I can’t bet against my own team, they’d ban me from baseball forever.
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah, sure thing.. Padres over Cincinnati.. yeah, sure thing, definitely.. definitely..
Pete Rose: Definitely?
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. definitely Padres over Cincinnati.. sure thing, yeah.. don’t wuss out.. yeah.. yeah, definitely sure thing..
Pete Rose: Okay.. maybe I’ll just lay down a grand on that.
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, smart bet.. Charlie Hustle’s a smart man.. course, course, it’s against the rules of baseball.. yeah, violation of Major Leage Baseball rules.. Section 2, article 4..
Pete Rose: Alright, alright.. look, Raymond – there have been some links to the press about my gambling, and if people found out about it, it would be very, very bad. Now, you haven’t spoken to anyone about this, have you?
Raymond Babbitt: Uh-oh!
Pete Rose: [ panicking ] What’s that, what’s..?
Raymond Babbitt: Uh-oh!
Pete Rose: Wha, what do you mean? You spoke to someone?
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah!
Pete Rose: You told them I was gambling?!
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah!
Pete Rose: Raymond, no!
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. definitely gotta watch Wopner.. Wopner, yeah.. definitely Judge Wopner, yeah..
Pete Rose: Raymond, who have you talked to?!
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. Sports Illustrated.. yeah, definitely Sports Illustrated, March 27th, 1989 issue, page 13, column 3.. quote an unnamed source said that Rose had definitely bet on exactly 562 baseball games.. earned $61,405.31.. yeah, definitely 31 cents..
Pete Rose: [ gasps ] Oh, God.. who else?!
Raymond Babbitt: Baseball Commissioner Pete Uberoff, yeah.. yeah, had to tell him.. had to tell Uberoff..
Pete Rose: Raymond, no! Who else?! Who else?!
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, Cooperstown Hall of Fame.. yeah.. yeah, Cooperstown Hall of Fame, New York.. they weren’t happy, definitely let down..
Pete Rose: Raymond, you big moron! You ruined my whole career, damn you and your stupid cheese balls! [ grabs bag and throws it to the floor, cheese balls bouncing everywhere ]
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. definitely 87 cheese balls.. yeah.. yeah.. 87.. definitely 87..
Pete Rose: Raymond, I oughtta murder you! [ grabs Raymond’s neck ]
Raymond Babbitt: Ow! Ow! Ow![ Doctor rushes in with Charlie Babbitt ]
Charlie Babbitt: Raymond?! Raymond?!
Raymond Babbitt: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Charlie Babbitt is here.. Charlie Babbitt..
Charlie Babbitt: What is this, you can’t touch my brother!
Pete Rose: Stay the hell out of this, Babbitt!
Raymond Babbitt: Charlie Babbitt’s my brother.. Charlie Hustle’s my friend.. yeah..
Charlie Babbitt: Who is this guy? He’s my brother, alright? I went on the road with him.. we went to Vegas, alright? He counted cards for me. He’s grown more in the week he’s spent with me than in all the years he’s spent here!
Pete Rose: Hey, listen, Babbitt, he’s grown more in the past year helping me bet on baseball games than he did in the week counting cards with you!
Doctor: Actually, you’re both wrong. He’s grown more in the past eight years speculating in gold futures for me than he’s spent with either one of you.
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah..
Charlie Babbitt: Look, Raymond, Raymond.. just tell them who you want to be with!
Pete Rose: Yeah, tell him, Raymond!
Doctor: Go ahead, Raymond!
Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. yeah.. what’s on first, who’s on second.. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Yeah.. yeah, “Live, from New York, it’s definitely Saturday Night..”