Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 16
Employee #1…..Jon Lovitz
Employee #2…..Ben Stiller
Employee #3…..Al Franken
Female Employee…..Nora Dunn
Captain Hazelwood…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on Teal Bay, Alaska, Exxon employees sitting amongst the rocks cleaning up debris from the oil tanker spill ]
Employee #1: Hey, that rock is not done yet.
Employee #2: Sure it is!
Employee #1: No, it’s not! It’s got oil on the bottom!
Employee #2: Nobody’s gonna look at the bottom of a rock!
Employee #1: [ disgusted ] I’m telling you..
Foreman: [ steps in ] Problem?
Employee #2: We don’t have to clean the bottoms, do we?
Foreman: Yes. The whole rock!
Employee #1: [ makes victory squeal ]
Employee #2: Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh.. where do we put the otters?
Foreman: You know the procedure!
Employee #2: Yeah. But I kind of forget..
Foreman: [ talks into loudspeaker ] Alright, everybody, I’m going to go through this ONE more time! There are FOUR otter piles: oily, dead otters; clean, dead otters; oily, live otters; and clean, live otters!
Andy: [ running forward ] Mr. Willliamson! Mr. Williamson! I just cleaned another rock!
Foreman: That’s real good, Andy. Andy, you don’t have to tell me every time you clean a rock. Just put it on the clean rock pile.
Andy: Okay. [ moves along ]
Terri: [ enters scene ] Yes, Mr. Williamson?
Foreman: I think we’re gonna need a lot more towels.
Terri: Okay, just a couple rolls, right?
Foreman: No! Hundreds of rolls!
Terri: Oh. Just any old brand, right?
Foreman: No, I’m afraid we’ll need a brand name – Cornet, Viva, Brawny..
Terri: Plain or decorated?
Foreman: It doesn’t matter! [ pause ] Decorated, if you can get it..
Terri: Okay. [ moves along ]
Employee #3: Mr. Williamson? I’ve gotta knock off early. Uh.. would it be okay if I took these rocks home, and finished cleaning then there?
Foreman: I, uh..
Employee #3: I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow. Promise.
Foreman: Alright, alright. Just sign them out with Terry. [ picks up a shiny rock ] Oh, hey, hey! Here’s a clean rock! Who cleaned this rock?
Female Employee: Me, Sir!
Foreman: Well, this is great! How did you do this?
Female Employee: Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soap, I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool, and I used a little Turtle Wax.
Foreman: Well, good job! I’m thinking about putting you on that big boulder over there!
Female Employee: You won’t regret it, Sir!
Foreman: Well, good. [ she runs off, as he looks down ] Alright! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?! Aw, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it! [ everyone points to Captain Hazelwood ] Captain Hazelwood, you’re on pretty thin ice already!
Captain Hazelwood: Gosh, I’m sorry, Sir. I guess I did it again, huh! [ takes a swig from a flask of alcohol ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“