SNL Transcripts: Dolly Parton: 04/15/89: Exxon Cleanup


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Exxon Cleanup

Employee #1…..Jon Lovitz
Employee #2…..Ben Stiller
Foreman…..Phil Hartman
Andy…..Dana Carvey
Terri…..Victoria Jackson
Employee #3…..Al Franken
Female Employee…..Nora Dunn
Captain Hazelwood…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Teal Bay, Alaska, Exxon employees sitting amongst the rocks cleaning up debris from the oil tanker spill ]

Employee #1: Hey, that rock is not done yet.

Employee #2: Sure it is!

Employee #1: No, it’s not! It’s got oil on the bottom!

Employee #2: Nobody’s gonna look at the bottom of a rock!

Employee #1: [ disgusted ] I’m telling you..

Foreman: [ steps in ] Problem?

Employee #2: We don’t have to clean the bottoms, do we?

Foreman: Yes. The whole rock!

Employee #1: [ makes victory squeal ]

Employee #2: Look, Mr. Williamson, some of us were wondering, uh.. where do we put the otters?

Foreman: You know the procedure!

Employee #2: Yeah. But I kind of forget..

Foreman: [ talks into loudspeaker ] Alright, everybody, I’m going to go through this ONE more time! There are FOUR otter piles: oily, dead otters; clean, dead otters; oily, live otters; and clean, live otters!

Andy: [ running forward ] Mr. Willliamson! Mr. Williamson! I just cleaned another rock!

Foreman: That’s real good, Andy. Andy, you don’t have to tell me every time you clean a rock. Just put it on the clean rock pile.

Andy: Okay. [ moves along ]

Foreman: Terri!

Terri: [ enters scene ] Yes, Mr. Williamson?

Foreman: I think we’re gonna need a lot more towels.

Terri: Okay, just a couple rolls, right?

Foreman: No! Hundreds of rolls!

Terri: Oh. Just any old brand, right?

Foreman: No, I’m afraid we’ll need a brand name – Cornet, Viva, Brawny..

Terri: Plain or decorated?

Foreman: It doesn’t matter! [ pause ] Decorated, if you can get it..

Terri: Okay. [ moves along ]

Employee #3: Mr. Williamson? I’ve gotta knock off early. Uh.. would it be okay if I took these rocks home, and finished cleaning then there?

Foreman: I, uh..

Employee #3: I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow. Promise.

Foreman: Alright, alright. Just sign them out with Terry. [ picks up a shiny rock ] Oh, hey, hey! Here’s a clean rock! Who cleaned this rock?

Female Employee: Me, Sir!

Foreman: Well, this is great! How did you do this?

Female Employee: Well, I used a white vinegar pre-soap, I scrubbed with a high-grade steel wool, and I used a little Turtle Wax.

Foreman: Well, good job! I’m thinking about putting you on that big boulder over there!

Female Employee: You won’t regret it, Sir!

Foreman: Well, good. [ she runs off, as he looks down ] Alright! Who tracked oil through our clean patch?! Aw, come on, we worked so hard on that! Come on, who did it! [ everyone points to Captain Hazelwood ] Captain Hazelwood, you’re on pretty thin ice already!

Captain Hazelwood: Gosh, I’m sorry, Sir. I guess I did it again, huh! [ takes a swig from a flask of alcohol ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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