Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 16
Dolly’s Mountain Stories
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
[ open on the main stage, Dolly Parton and the cast sitting on pillows around the floor ]
Dana Carvey: Tell us a mountain story, Dolly!
[ the cast cheers the suggestion ]
Dolly Parton: Really? Alright, now the first thing you have to know, now, is that I was born and raised in the Smokey Mountains in East Tennessee!
Kevin Nealon: Well, we knew that! [ laughs ]
Dolly Parton: Well, you might, Kevin, but maybe everybody out there don’t know that.
Jan Hooks: Oh, I think thye do, Dolly!
[ the rest of the cast agrees ]
Dolly Parton: Alright, well, that’s beside the point, but i’ll tell you a story. I grew up in a small house with my momma and my daddy and twelve kids. And we were out in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have anything but each other. Of course, I’m not complaining.. but we didn’t make a whole lot of money, and didn’t have more than anything but our love and our music!
Victoria Jackson: Dolly, you mean you didn’t have any of the modern conveniences that we all take for granted?
Dolly Parton: That is absolutely right, Victoria! I mean, we didn’t have a washing machine or a gas stove, we didn’t even have a TV.
Dennis Miller: Well, what did you guys do for fun?
Dolly Parton: Oh, we made our own fun, Dennis! Why, we’d sing, and we’d play games.. and Momma would dream up stories for us, I mean stories that were a whole lot better than anything you could watch on television today!
Phil Hartman: [ smiling ] She must have been quite a woman!
Dolly Parton: Well, you don’t have to patronize me, Phil. [ Phil appears confused ] Anyway, she’d tell us stories that’d keep us going ’til bedtime!
Jon Lovitz: Like, what kind of stories?
Dolly Parton: Oh, just all kinds of stories.. she’d just make up scary stories, and funny stories, stories about the Old West..
Nora Dunn: Oh, those Western stories must have been great!
Dolly Parton: Oh, they were! My favorite ws about this white-haired man that had three sons, and he lived out on a big ranch in Nevada. [ the cast appears to be familiar with the story ] And the oldest son, see, he was real, real moody, and serious.. and the middle one, well, he was big and lovable.. and the youngest one – whoo! – he was so handsome and brave!
Victoria Jackson: He sounds really cute!
Dolly Parton: Oh, well, he was! Well, his name was Little Joe.. [ the cast now realizes she’s relating the story of the TV show “Bonanza ] and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at! Lord, the times that family had with that tiny servant of theirs.. My Momma, she did, she had a big imagination, that’s for sure! Hey, but she loved to tell us police stories, that was some of my favorites, too!
Dennis Miller: She told you police stories?
Dolly Parton: Yeah.. well, she’d just talk a blue streak about these two detectives that would drive around L.A. in this blue Plymouth Valiant. One fella’s name, I think, was Friday, and he did everything by the book. I mean, he was straighter than a hog’s tail in a pork factory! See, my Momma had so many stories, and the funniest ones were about this silly, silly, crazy woman named Lucy! I man, she got into all kinds of crazy situations! There was this one time when her husband Ricky, he was this Cuban fella.. and he had an audition in Los Angeles, and they lost their script, Lucy did, so she had to sneak into the studio, and William Holden was there, and it was just the biggest mess!
Dana Carvey: So.. so, these were made up?
Dolly Parton: Right. Except for the ones about Friday. Momma said that they were based on some kind of truth, but that they always changed the names to protect the innocent.
Kevin Nealon: So, there were no televisions anywhere?
Dolly Parton: Well, of course not! I mean, why would we need onw? Family’s all you need! [ thinking ] Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you, there was this Halloween special, that was Momma’s favorite! It was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers.. and she married this advertising agent, his name was Darren. See, Darren didn’t want anybody to know about his wife, so they lived out in the suburbs, and they had this real, real nosy neighbor..
Jon Lovitz: [ excited ] Oh! Ms. Crabbitz! [ quickly covers his mouth ]
Dolly Parton: Wow! That’s right, Jon! How’d you know that, are you from the hills?
Jon Lovitz: Uh, no.. I.. I..
Jan Hooks: Jon! Yes, of course, he’s from the hills.. aren’t you, Jon?
Jon Lovitz: Yes.. I’m from Arkansas..
Dolly Parton: Well, I never knew that! That is something! Well, you learn something new everyday! Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories, and thank you for listening.. but I gotta go get ready for the next thing..
[ a stagehand directs Dolly offstage, as the cast ponders what they’ve just sat through ]
Nora Dunn: That poor, poor woman..
Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original!
Dana Carvey: Boy, can you imagine missing out on all those hours and hours of television!
Dennis Miller: Yeah, and then having to hear about it secondhand. I mean, it’s so sad..
Phil Hartman: Is it really? No, I mean, think about it. While we had all that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.
Jan Hooks: Yeah.. we’re all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw. but not Dolly!
Phil Hartman: Who knows what her Darren looks like? Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate!
Kevin Nealon: Maybe her Col. Klink had a thick head of hair!
Jon Lovitz: Maybe her Lassie was a dachschund?
Victoria Jackson: You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV..
Phil Hartman: [ laughs ] That’s ridiculous! It’s just something that happened to Dolly.
[ they get up to leave the stage, laughing to themselves ]
Dennis Miller: Miss out on TV, what are you talking about!
Phil Hartman: [ left alone ] See you, everyone.. and keep watching the show!
[ fade ]