Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 20
88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz
Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud…..Steve Martin
Announcer: Welcome to “Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
[ “Theme From 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays, as cameras slowly pan up on Hans & Franz, whose chest muscles begin to sway up and down ]
Together: Welcome! We’re back!
Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..
Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to..
Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!
Hans: Alright.
Franz: Alright, enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..
Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!
Hans: Alright, before we get started, we’d like to give you something to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste.
Franz: Yah. That’s right, Hans. And if you’re gonna be a flabby waste of girly-man, maybe you should be disciplined!
Hans: Yah, believe me now, you know, we should take your wasted muscle..
Franz: Which is flab!cYah! And stretch it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of!
Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..
Together: pump.. [ they clap ] ..you up!
Franz: You know, many critics have complained that our training methods would never work for your average garden-variety girly-man!
Yah. You know. That’s right, they say we are genetic mutants, you know, like Freddie Krueger!
Franz: Well, Mr. Critic Man, welcome to Nightmare on Muscle Street!
[ they flex their superiority ]
Franz: Here me now, and believe me later – anyone can achieve these results using our method!
Hans: That’s right, and we have proof! We have taken the world’smost pathetic girly-man, and turned him into the embodiment of perfect pumptitude!
Franz: Yah! This was Joseph Wilhem Zieglefreud tweleve weeks ago. [ shows pathetic Before image of Joseph ] And now, here he is today. Behold, the Eighth Womder of the World!
[ “Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays as an overinflated Joseph is wheeled out on a cart ]
Hans: Alright. Do our methods work? You be the judge. Welcome, Joseph. Now, tell us, has pumpitude changed your life?
Joseph: Oh, yah!
Hans: For the better?
Joseph: Oh, yah!
Hans: Alright. Alright.
Franz: And we understand that, because of your dedication to pumpitude, your wife and your children left you?
Joseph: Yah!
Hans: That’s alright.
Joseph: Yeah. Yah.
Franz: This is common, Joseph. You don’t need your crybaby wife and children to drag you down to their scum-hole!
Joseph: Yah, they are girly-man losers!
Hans: That’s right. Now, we understand, Joseph, you recently had to move out of your apartment?
Joseph: Yah!
Franz: Well.. tell us where you live now.
Joseph: In a circus tent on the edge of town.
Hans: Hear that, Critic Man!
Franz: But don’t be thinking that, because he lives in a circus tent, he’s some kind of freak!
Hans: That’s right! Can a freak do this?
[ Hans, Franz and Joseph all flex their muscles superiorily, although Joseph barely gets any flexibility due to the massive size of his perfect muscles ]
Franz: Now, you might have noticed a slight flexibility in Joseph. Does that bother you?
Joseph: It is a small price to pay.
Hans: That’s right, Joseph. One more question, you know. Tell our viewers what you would do if a girly-man kicks sand in your face?
Joseph: Hear me now, and believe me later, and think about it sometime, but make a note of it now – if I were just a little bit more flexible, I would kill you!
Hans: Alright.
Franz: Alright, alright..
Hans: Alright.
Franz: Well, you know, looking at my watch, I can see we are just about out of time.
Joseph: I can’t look at my watch.
Hans: That’s right. I think we proved our point. Once again, I am Hans..
Franz: I am Franz..
Joseph: And I am the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man!
All Together: And we just want to.. pump..
[ Hans & Franz clap their hands together, but Joseph is not flexivle enough to make it ]
All Together: ..pump..
[ still no go from Joseph ]
All Together: ..to pump..
[ Hans & Franz each grab one of Joseph’s hands and swing them to the other for the clap ]
All Together: ..you up!
Announcer: This has been “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”.