SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Pumping Up With Hans & Franz


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Joseph Wilhelm Zieglefreud…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to “Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

[ “Theme From 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays, as cameras slowly pan up on Hans & Franz, whose chest muscles begin to sway up and down ]

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] up!

Hans: Alright, before we get started, we’d like to give you something to hear now and think about later: a muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Franz: Yah. That’s right, Hans. And if you’re gonna be a flabby waste of girly-man, maybe you should be disciplined!

Hans: Yah, believe me now, you know, we should take your wasted muscle..

Franz: Which is flab!cYah! And stretch it into a flab-rope ladder, so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to..

Together: pump.. [ they clap ] up!

Franz: You know, many critics have complained that our training methods would never work for your average garden-variety girly-man!

Yah. You know. That’s right, they say we are genetic mutants, you know, like Freddie Krueger!

Franz: Well, Mr. Critic Man, welcome to Nightmare on Muscle Street!

[ they flex their superiority ]

Franz: Here me now, and believe me later – anyone can achieve these results using our method!

Hans: That’s right, and we have proof! We have taken the world’smost pathetic girly-man, and turned him into the embodiment of perfect pumptitude!

Franz: Yah! This was Joseph Wilhem Zieglefreud tweleve weeks ago. [ shows pathetic Before image of Joseph ] And now, here he is today. Behold, the Eighth Womder of the World!

[ “Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey” plays as an overinflated Joseph is wheeled out on a cart ]

Hans: Alright. Do our methods work? You be the judge. Welcome, Joseph. Now, tell us, has pumpitude changed your life?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: For the better?

Joseph: Oh, yah!

Hans: Alright. Alright.

Franz: And we understand that, because of your dedication to pumpitude, your wife and your children left you?

Joseph: Yah!

Hans: That’s alright.

Joseph: Yeah. Yah.

Franz: This is common, Joseph. You don’t need your crybaby wife and children to drag you down to their scum-hole!

Joseph: Yah, they are girly-man losers!

Hans: That’s right. Now, we understand, Joseph, you recently had to move out of your apartment?

Joseph: Yah!

Franz: Well.. tell us where you live now.

Joseph: In a circus tent on the edge of town.

Hans: Hear that, Critic Man!

Franz: But don’t be thinking that, because he lives in a circus tent, he’s some kind of freak!

Hans: That’s right! Can a freak do this?

[ Hans, Franz and Joseph all flex their muscles superiorily, although Joseph barely gets any flexibility due to the massive size of his perfect muscles ]

Franz: Now, you might have noticed a slight flexibility in Joseph. Does that bother you?

Joseph: It is a small price to pay.

Hans: That’s right, Joseph. One more question, you know. Tell our viewers what you would do if a girly-man kicks sand in your face?

Joseph: Hear me now, and believe me later, and think about it sometime, but make a note of it now – if I were just a little bit more flexible, I would kill you!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, alright..

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Well, you know, looking at my watch, I can see we are just about out of time.

Joseph: I can’t look at my watch.

Hans: That’s right. I think we proved our point. Once again, I am Hans..

Franz: I am Franz..

Joseph: And I am the world’s most perfectly pumped-up man!

All Together: And we just want to.. pump..

[ Hans & Franz clap their hands together, but Joseph is not flexivle enough to make it ]

All Together: ..pump..

[ still no go from Joseph ]

All Together: pump..

[ Hans & Franz each grab one of Joseph’s hands and swing them to the other for the clap ]

All Together: up!

Announcer: This has been “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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