Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 20
Ode to a Loved One
Steve Martin: When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I have put some of my feelings into this little poem:
“Every man needs a woman, and I need you
To lift me when I am sad
To comfort me when I am down
To clean me when I am a drunk
To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay
To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak
To kiss me when I’m horny
To massage when I am tense and/or horny
To make me horny when I’m not horny,
and then to watch me fall asleep.
I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.
To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice
To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date.
To be there when I need you to be there
and to be out of town the rest of the time
My darling, although it may seem sentimental
I want to take this moment to tell you I love you,
because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.
And even though you are far away across the ocean
I always have this to remind me.”
[ points to his ring finger, where he quickly notices no ring is ]
Good night, my love.