SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Ode to a Loved One



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 20



88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Ode to a Loved One

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I have put some of my feelings into this little poem:

“Every man needs a woman, and I need you
To lift me when I am sad
To comfort me when I am down
To clean me when I am a drunk
To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay
To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak
To kiss me when I’m horny
To massage when I am tense and/or horny
To make me horny when I’m not horny,
and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.
To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice
To try milk for me when I am not ure of the expiration date.
To be there when I need you to be there
and to be out of town the rest of the time

My darling, although it may seem sentimental
I want to take this moment to tell you I love you,
because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.

And even though you are far away across the ocean
I always have this to remind me.”

[ points to his ring finger, where he quickly notices no ring is ]

Sorry.

Good night, my love.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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