SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car

Husband…..Steve Martin
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Driving Instructor…..Kevin Nealon

“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car!

[ open on Husband running into the kitchen ]

Husband: Honey! You won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!

Wife: Toonces, our cat?!

Husband: Yeah! Come on! I’ll show ya!

[ cut to Toonces taking his owners for a drive through the country ]

Husband: What a perfect day for a drive.

Wife: Isn’t that pretty?

Husband: It’s a fantastic day.

Wife: Yeah.

[ Toonces skids along the street ]

Husband: See! I told you he could drive!

Wife: Toonces, look out! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Wife: I thought you said he could drive?

Husband: Well, I thought he could – I saw him out there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I.. I guess I just assumed he could drive.

Wife: It’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that..

Husband: [ pointing ] Hey, look! He’s driving away!

[ Toonces peels away ]

Wife: I guess hecan drive!

Husband: Yeah! Just not very well!

He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: Next, on Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car: The Driving Test.

[ dissolve to owners fretting about Toonces’ driving test ]

Wife: You think Toonces will pass his driving test?

Husband: Uh, I don’t know.. that written part is pretty hard – and he can’t even read.

Wife: Maybe he’ll make up for it on the driving part.

Husband: Damn! I wish I could help him!

[ dissolve to Toonces in the car with Driving Instructor ]

Driving Instructor: Alright, sir. If you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic..

[ Toonces pulls out ]

Driving Instructor: Look out!! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Driving Instructor V/O: How does he reach the pedals?

[ fade ]

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