SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 05/20/89: Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 14: Episode 20

88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car

Husband…..Steve Martin
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Driving Instructor…..Kevin Nealon

“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”

Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car!

[ open on Husband running into the kitchen ]

Husband: Honey! You won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!

Wife: Toonces, our cat?!

Husband: Yeah! Come on! I’ll show ya!

[ cut to Toonces taking his owners for a drive through the country ]

Husband: What a perfect day for a drive.

Wife: Isn’t that pretty?

Husband: It’s a fantastic day.

Wife: Yeah.

[ Toonces skids along the street ]

Husband: See! I told you he could drive!

Wife: Toonces, look out! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Wife: I thought you said he could drive?

Husband: Well, I thought he could – I saw him out there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I.. I guess I just assumed he could drive.

Wife: It’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that..

Husband: [ pointing ] Hey, look! He’s driving away!

[ Toonces peels away ]

Wife: I guess hecan drive!

Husband: Yeah! Just not very well!

He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: Next, on Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car: The Driving Test.

[ dissolve to owners fretting about Toonces’ driving test ]

Wife: You think Toonces will pass his driving test?

Husband: Uh, I don’t know.. that written part is pretty hard – and he can’t even read.

Wife: Maybe he’ll make up for it on the driving part.

Husband: Damn! I wish I could help him!

[ dissolve to Toonces in the car with Driving Instructor ]

Driving Instructor: Alright, sir. If you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic..

[ Toonces pulls out ]

Driving Instructor: Look out!! [ screams ] [ show car flying over cliff ]

Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat.”

Driving Instructor V/O: How does he reach the pedals?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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