Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 14: Episode 20
88t: Steve Martin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car
Husband…..Steve Martin
Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Driving Instructor…..Kevin Nealon
Jingle:
“Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car!
[ open on Husband running into the kitchen ]
Husband: Honey! You won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!
Wife: Toonces, our cat?!
Husband: Yeah! Come on! I’ll show ya!
[ cut to Toonces taking his owners for a drive through the country ]
Husband: What a perfect day for a drive.
Wife: Isn’t that pretty?
Husband: It’s a fantastic day.
Wife: Yeah.
[ Toonces skids along the street ]
Husband: See! I told you he could drive!
Wife: Toonces, look out! [ screams ]
[ show car flying over cliff ]
Wife: I thought you said he could drive?
Husband: Well, I thought he could – I saw him out there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I.. I guess I just assumed he could drive.
Wife: It’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that..
Husband: [ pointing ] Hey, look! He’s driving away!
[ Toonces peels away ]
Wife: I guess hecan drive!
Husband: Yeah! Just not very well!
Jingle:
He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat.”
Announcer: Next, on Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car: The Driving Test.
[ dissolve to owners fretting about Toonces’ driving test ]
Wife: You think Toonces will pass his driving test?
Husband: Uh, I don’t know.. that written part is pretty hard – and he can’t even read.
Wife: Maybe he’ll make up for it on the driving part.
Husband: Damn! I wish I could help him!
[ dissolve to Toonces in the car with Driving Instructor ]
Driving Instructor: Alright, sir. If you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic..
[ Toonces pulls out ]
Driving Instructor: Look out!! [ screams ]
[ show car flying over cliff ]
Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat.”
Driving Instructor V/O: How does he reach the pedals?
[ fade ]
