Chevy Falls


Chevy Falls

Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Tom Hanks
…..Steve Martin
…..Billy Crystal
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Chevy Chase
…..Jane Curtin
…..Garrett Morris

[ open backstage, as Father Guido Sarducci and Nora Dunn pass through the hall ]

Father Guido Sarducci: I can’t believe they won’t-a let me on-a the show just because I don’t have a black tie. I got-a everything black except the tie, you know?

[ they exit the area, as Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson walk into view ]

Victoria Jackson: Gee, Kevin, isn’t this amazing? I’ve never seen so many funny people all in one place.

Kevin Nealon: Yeah, tell me about it.. tell me about it! Look over there, look! Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Dan Aykroyd, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks!

Victoria Jackson: Wow, talk about your comedy minds.

Kevin Nealon: There must be some major league ripping going on over there.

Victoria Jackson: Yeah!

Kevin Nealon: What I’d give to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!

[ cut to the groups’ conversation ]

Dan Aykroyd: Oh, sure, I was getting gross points, but it was adjusted gross. Based on a 20% distribution fee.

Tom Hanks: No! Oh, wow, wow.. Listen to this: Disney gives me 50% of the net, but they claim the director’s gross as production costs.

Steve Martin: God, what a horror story!

Billy Crystal: Do you guys still read the scripts that you’re gonna do?

[ cut back to Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson ]

Kevin Nealon: This is great! Everybody’s here!

Victoria Jackson: [ pointing ] Look! Isn’t that Joan Cusack and Sam Kinison?

[ cut to Sam Kinison screaming at Joan Cusack ] [ camera pans left to reveal Mary Tyler More making out with Jon Lovitz ]

Victoria Jackson: Oh, look! There’s Mary Tyler Moore!

Kevin Nealon: Yeah! Yeah! And she’s making out with.. with Lovitz! This is nice! This is gonna be some party, I’ll tell you that!

Victoria Jackson: Yeah!

[ dissolve to Lorne Michaels’ office, Chevy Chase seated in front of his desk eating popcorn out of a basket ]

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I just can’t let you do this fall. It’s too dangerous.

Chevy Chase: Dangerous? Lorne, I did the fall every week.

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, you’re fifty-eight years old!

Chevy Chase: Okay, but I feel as good as I did fifteen years ago!

Lorne Michaels: Fifteen years ago you were forty-three.

Chevy Chase: Yeah, and in fifteen years I’ll be seventy-three. So what?

[ Jane Curtin leans in ]

Jane Curtin: What’s going on?

Chevy Chase: Oh, hi, Jane.

Lorne Michaels: Chevy wants to do the fall.

Jane Curtin: But he’s fifty-eight years old!

Lorne Michaels: I know.

Chevy Chase: What’s the big deal about being fifty-eight years old? In my movies, I play guys in their late forties, early fifties.

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, it’s the network. They’re just not gonna insure anyone over fifty-five.

Chevy Chase: They don’t have to!

Lorne Michaels: Well, alright, but you’re gonna have to sign some ppaers, then. Here. [ shows legal papers on desk to Chevy ]

Chevy Chase: Alright, thank you, Lorne.. [ signs his name ] Geez, we gotta hurry, Lorne –

Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. here.

Chevy Chase: [ signs ] Show’s gonna start nay second, and I gotta –

Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. and.. and here.

Chevy Chase: [ signs ] I’ve gotta get ot my dressing room..

Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] Just initial this one here, please.

Chevy Chase: [ signs ] [ Joe Piscopo, dressed in a sleeveless tuxedo with muscles bulging, enters office ]

Joe Piscopo: Chevy, I just heard. Lorne, excuse me. Chevy, look, I can’t let you do this. I mean, I love you, but you’re not in shape. I think I should do the fall. [ flexes his arms to show Chevy his muscles ]

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Joe, but I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me, okay?

Joe Piscopo: Lorne, are you gonna let this guy go out there, hmm? [ flexes a little more ] I mean, what is this guy, sixty years old?

Chevy Chase: [ stern ] I’m fifty-seven-and-a-half.

[ Joe Piscopo steps out of Chevy’s way ]

Lorne Michaels: Good luck!

[ a stagehand puts a helmet in Chevy’s hands ]

Stagehand: Sorry, it’s contractual, Chevy. You’re ready for Prime Time now.

[ Chevy grabs the helmet and exits the office into the audience carrying his basket of popcorn ]

Chevy Chase: I just want to get this over.. I don’t have much time, I have to get to my dressing room.. [ puts the helmet on ] ..take a couple of back pills, I’ll be fine. What’s the big deal? If I could just get my pads on.. [ to an audience member ] Could I get through here, please? [ walks into the audience, places his popcorn on a woman’s lap ] Would you hld that? Thanks. [ adjusts his helmet ] These are not easy to put on. [ continues walking through the audience tripping here and there, and eventually spilling his popcorn onto the head of Brandon Tartikoff ] Oops! Oh, I’m sorry! Very sorry! [ spots Garrett Morris sitting next to Brandon ] Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Hey!

Chevy Chase: How are you, baby?

Garrett Morris: Hey, Chevy! What’s happening, man! Look, Chevy, Chevy.. don’t do the fall. Okay? Look, man, you are older than me! You’re just gonna bust your behind!

Chevy Chase: I’m fine, Garrett..

[ Chevy continues walking through the audience as Garrett rambles on behind him ]

Garrett Morris: I mean, at your age, man, healing is a long, slow, painful process! Man, I busted mine two years ago, and I –

Chevy Chase: I’m gonna be late now, that’s just great..

[ Chevy crashes into the wall, his popcorn flying everywhere as he tumbles down the stairs. He quickly stumbles into a door marked as his dressing room and closes the door behind him. A few seconds later, Chevy re-opens the door and pulls off the helmet. ]

LIVE, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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