“I woke up the other day!
I’ve run out of Perrier!
Dan Quayle Blues! Take it home, Momma, you know what I mean!
[ pulls up his jacket ] Thank you for this lovely masudo Lincoln thing, let’s hear it! [ claps ] Thank you! First, I’d like to sell nude pictures of Jesse Helms, ladies and gentlemen. Nude pictures, Jesse Helms! This Mapplethorpe thing, I don’t know.. really, it’s very offensive, but somehow the man in the polyester suit, very attractive. Let’s move on!
I’d like to take you out right now and show you some of the fabulous people who have come here this evening, who did not know that they would be on camera, but it’s time to play Character Assassination!
Let’s look over here. Ladies and gentlemen, Edwin Newman! Edwin “Boom-Boom” Newman! [ show Edwin Newman in the audience ] Thank you! Take it on home, Edwin! Take it on home! A man who’s not afraid to ask that question, “Henry, was she good?” Yes! You ever walk up to Henry Kissinger and go, “Hello, Mr. Kissinger, hi. I love all your awards, you’re fabulous!”
Let’s work around the room. Dick Ebersol, ladies and gentlemen! Dick Ebersol! Former executive here at NBC, thank you! [ show Dick Ebersol ]
Let’s show some of the fabulous prizes. Did Arnold come tonight? Arnold Schwartzenegger’s not here tonight. He’s at home with Maria, they are expecting a baby. If ever there was a man who has fertile sperm, there’s Arnold. Who has this sperm that would break in and go, “Are you Maria’s ovum? I’m ready.”
Sam Kinison, ladies and gentlemen! Sam Kinision up here! Dana Carvey! Fabulous people! Wait a minute! Glenn Close, ladies and gentlemen! Mom! With a dead rabbit! Fabulous! Phil Hartman! They’re all here! This night is incredible! And I’m stalling for time because this show is not running that long.
Okay! Let’s work ourt way over here – Joe Piscopo, ladies and gentlemen! Joe Piscopo! A man who does ot take steroids. Pbbt! Okay. [ mimes flexing ] I’m opening the door, let’s work our way back over this way.
We have a very special person who is here tonight – ladies and gentlemen, Gary Busey is here, and he’s not wearing a helmet again! [ show Gary Busey ] Gary? [ talks like he’s in a coma ] Nice to have you out, Gary! Good to have you outside! Nice to see you! You’re doing fabulous! [ Gary Busey makes gestures ] I will, baby! Thank you for being another white man talking black! Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen, the poet Art Garfunkel. [ show Art Garfunkel ] Elliot Gould! Elliot Gould! [ show Elliot Gould ] Let’s pan up there! Let’s just keep going! In the back, behind the glass, Tammy Fae Bakker! Who has actually been proven to be Elvis! Yes, just before Elvis died, he went, “You know, Colonel, that Bakker boy’s real pretty, I’m gonna go after him.”
Yes, we’re almost over with this fabulous, fabulous evening.. Wait. I’m braking down, because there’s a guy in the booth going.. [ motions ] “Five more minutes! Five more minutes!”
An incredible evening, we’ve raised over $4 million for The Knicks! Thank you! Those phones are ringing – for the National Tourette’s Foundation! [ twitches ]
Steve Martin! A man who did a play with me, and God we did well! [ show Steve Martin ] We did well.
[ audience chants as time runs down ]
Audience: Go! Go! Go! Go!
Robin Williams:5! 4! 3! 2! 1! We’re out of here!