Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 1
Terrorist Leader…..Phil Hartman
Terrorist Band…..Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon
Second Man…..Tom Davis
Third Man…..Dana Carvey
Fight Attendant…..Jan Hooks
Dave: — I say we get out of here right now. Come on! This midair thing – it’s just not you! What do you say? I can picture it: a life raft, a warm breeze.. a six-pack of champagne?
Woman: [ laughs, enjoying herself ]
Dave: By the way – my name’s Dave. My friends call me Dave, but you can call me Boo-Boo Bear!
Woman: [ laughs again ] Boo-Boo Bear! You’re so funny! You know – we’ve been on this plane three hours, and you have not said one unfunny thing! I mean, I’ve never met anybody who was so constantly witty! Are you ever serious?
Dave: [ still kidding around ] For a very brief time – in the morning. And, if you’re lucky, you may get to see me early in the morning!
Woman: [ laughs harder ] You’re incredible![ the playful banter is interrupted by the intrusion of a band of terrorists. Their leader addresses the crowd ]
Terrorist Leader: SILENCE!! Nobody has to move! We’re perfectly ready to KILL you – one – by – one. If anyone gives us ANY reason at all! Is that clear!
Dave: Not exactly! I’m a little confused on that “any reason at all” thing. Would, say, tugging on your beard – would that be a good reason?
Woman: [ unable to help herself, the woman Dave has been flirting with chuckles ]
Terrorist Leader: WHAT?! You think that is FUNNY?! Then, you die! [ to his band of terrorists ] Take her!
Woman: Oh, my God! No! No! No![ she is pulled toward the cockpit and shot twice, as the other passengers scream in panic ]
Terrorist Leader: Well! now you see that we mean business! We MEAN what we SAY!
Dave: Ah! But do you say what you mean Because you can SAY what you MEAN, and still not mean what you say! But you know what the really, most important thing is? Your HEALTH! You HAVE your health!
Terrorist Leader: [ growls in frustration ] KILL another! [ points to the man seated in the row in front of Dave ] [ the band of terrorists yank the man out of his seat, much to his surprise, and pull him toward the cockpit ]
Man: What?! No, no! Please!! HE said it!![ two more shots ring out, as the other passengers scream ]
Terrorist Leader: [ ambles over to Dave ] SO! Yoo thought this was a JOKE!
Dave: [ chuckles ] No, no, this is a joke: Three ragheads walk into a bar – see?
Terrorist Leader: ENOUGH!! [ to his band ] KILL two more![ the band yank a man and a woman from their seats in the back row and pull them toward the cockpit ]
Second Man: No! No! No, please![ three shots ring out, the other passengers scream ]
Terrorist Leader: NEXT! We will.. [ looks around, points to a nun ] KILL THE NUN!! [ points a stern finger at Dave ] THAT will eat at you for the rest of your LIFE!
Dave: You mean, like that Coach Class cannoloni they gave me a half-an-hour ago! [ laughs ]
Terrorist Leader: [ outraged ] INCREDIBLE!! [ grabs the nun ] You! Come with me!
Nun: No! Please! No! No! No![ the Terrorist Leader himself drags the nun toward the cockpit ]
Dave: Write when you get work![ two more shots from the cockpit, everyone continues to scream in horror ] [ a third man approaches Dave from the rear of the plane ]
Third Man: Look, uh, excuse me, I don’t want to interrupt, but, uh – we really think you’re clever. I mean, you really come up with them like that! [ snaps his fingers in rhythm ] I mean, it’s very entertaining —
Dave: [ still “on” ] Well, you obviously haven’t read the in-flight magazine – now, that is some entertainment, my friend!
Thir Man: [ laughs, in spite of himself ] Well, it just seems that it-it-it’s causing a lot of people to die! To die —[ Terrorist Leader stomps down the aisle ]
Terrorist Leader: What’s going on?!
Dave: Just girl talk, nothing you’d be interested in!
Terrorist Leader: [ fumed, points at the third man ] HE dies![ the band grabs him, and drags him toward the cockpit ]
Third Man: Wait a minute! Hey! I was trying to STOP him!! IDIOT!![ two shots ring out, passengers scream and cry ]
Terrorist Leader: Now! I have decided that we have killed too many to land in grace. We are going to Beirut!
Dave: [ raises his hand ] Uh, question: Will this be added to my frequent-flyer mileage?
Terrorist Leader: [ angry, points to the back row ] That whole row! Kill them ALL!![ the band raise their machine guns and fire rapidly toward the back row ]
Terrorist Leader: A little more over there.[ the band fire a few more shots out towar the back row ]
Terrorist Leader: [ turns to Dave ] You know, THAT was not even a particularly GOOD quip! But, yet, so many DIED! Does this not HORRIFY YOU?!
Dave: [ stands ] You want to know what horrifies me, Habib? That you’re still doing this Don Johnson number with your beard – the show’s been cancelled, my friend – wake up! Now, look – it’s over! you’ve been out in the sand a little too long! Look, you can’t just go from riding camels to hijacking planes! You gotta work your way UP! Try some agricultural machinery – if that works out, hijack a truck! If you’re still in the business after that, look me up. [ hands over his business card ] Here’s my card – just don’t call me before eleven!
Terrorist Leader: [ has finally had enough ] That’s it. [ removes a hand grenade from his pocket ] ONE more quip.. and I am BLOWING UP THIS PLANE!![ the other passengers do their best to hide under their seats ]
Dave: Hold it, hold it, hold it, buddy! Can you at least wait until after the movie’s over? I’m out three bucks for these headphones!
Terrorist Leader: [ frustrated ] D’ohhhhhhhhh!! [ pulls the pin from the hand grenade ] [ cut to the exterior shot of the prop plane dangiling on the string, as it explodes, leaving nothing but the tail section left to drop ] [ cut to Dave and the Flight Attendant floating to the ground, their arms waving through the air ]
Dave: I figure we got two minutes – if we keep the floor flight of forty seconds, we’ll be in GREAT shape!
Flight Attendant: [ laughs ] You are SO clever! [ laughs ] [ frame widens to reveal the Terrorist Leader also floating down and laughing with them ] [ fade out ]