SNL Transcripts: Bruce Willis: 09/30/89: Wayne’s World


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Wayne’s World

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Rick…..Bruce Willis
Mrs. Campbell…..Nora Dunn
Nancy…..Jan Hooks

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to Wayne Campbell’s basement studio, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Alright! Okay! alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Partyyyyyyyy!! Party hearty! It’s Friday night, it’s 10:30, I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before we bring out our first guest, let me explain the bogus music you can hear from upstairs – my parentals are having a party. Let’s just hope they don’t wander downstairs drunk and make us to go get ice.

Garth: Yeah, parents get scary when they’re wasted!

Wayne: Whoa! Speaking of scary, alright? This week we’ve got a new feature on “Wayne’s World.” We call it: Extreme Close-Up.

Together: Extreme Close-up!!

[ camera zoomes in on Wayne’s face, then Garth’s, then Wayne’s ]

Wayne & Garth: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oaaa!!

Wayne: [ jamming his guitar ] Extreme Close-Up! Extreme Close-up! Party Time! Excellent! Okay!

Garth: Excellent! Excellent! That was a good buzz! Alright!

Wayne: That was great! Okay, let’s bring out our first guest. You all know him, alright? He’s, by far, the coolest senior in school. I mean, you can’t even get near him in the Smoking Area, because of the Sea of Babeitude that surrounds him, you know? And tonight, he’s going to unveil the new cool word for the school year. Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest guy in school – Rick!

Wayne & Garth: [ jamming ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!”

[ Rick comes downstairs and sits on the chair next to the couch ]

Wayne: Alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Rick!

Rick: [ solemn, not sure why he’s here ] Hello.

Wayne: Whoa, I’m really honored to have you on the show, man! Did you have a good summer?

Rick: [ stoned silence ] Yeah.

Wayne: Well, okay! I had a good summer. Yeah, I went to Great America, and then I got mono. Garth, how was your summer?

Garth: Uh.. I-I-I worked in my Dad’s store.. and I saw “Batman” seven times! Yeah! What did you do, Rick?

Rick: What’s that, Garth?

Garth: What, what, what did you do, Rick..?

Rick: I was in Reform School.

[ Wayne and Garth can’t get over it ]

Wayne: That’s cool, man!

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: [ to Rick ] Why?

Rick: Why what?

Wayne: Why were you in Reform School?

Rick: I pulled a B&E.

Wayne: Breaking and Entering. Excellent! Excellent! Well, if you don’t mean my being so bold, Rick, are you ready to unveil the new cool word for the school year? [ to camera ] I should explain something, alright? Last year, Rick’s new cool word was “pail”, or “bucket”.. as in, “So what did you think of the new substitute teacher?” “I think he’s ‘pail’, he’s ‘bucket’!” And, Rick? Rick, this year the new cool word is..? Go, Garth, go!

[ Garth pounds on the couch as though it were a drum ]

Rick: The word is.. [ thinking ] ..Sphincter.

Wayne: Excellent!

Garth: Wow, that’s the greatest word I’ve ever heard in my life, Rick! How do you do that?

Rick: They appear to me, as if in a dream.

Wayne: Unnecessary Zoom!

[ camera zooms in on them rapidly and unnecessarily ]

Wayne & Garth: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!

Garth: Wow, Rick, you are so cool, you know? You should have your own show!

Wayne: [ turned off ] What a traitor you are, man. Stab me in the back, why don’tcha? [ pulls invisible knife out of his back ] Schwing! I believe this is yours? What a quizzling.

Garth: Wow.. Wayne, don’t be such a.. sphincter! [ laughs ]

Wayne: Shyeah, right! You’re the one who’s sphincticious!

Garth: Yeah, right, Wayne! Wayne, you’re a sphinctoid!

Wayne: Well, that’s all very interesting, my funky friend.. but I see you dabble in the ways of sphinctery!

Rick: Boy, you’re an example of tragic sphincterism gone unchecked.

Garth: Good one, Rick! Yeah, Wayne, you go off the sphinctometer!

Wayne: I have seen the sphincter.. and it is Garth!

Rick: [ impressed ] Oh, very nice, Wayne, very nice.. [ rubs his fingers with Wayne’s ]

Wayne: Oh, thanks, Rick! [ passes the finger rub on down to Garth ]

Garth: Way to go, Rick.

Wayne: Okay, Rick, you’re a cool guy, right? Do something cool on the show.

Rick: How about a crank call?

Wayne: Oh, excellent! Excellent! Who? Who?

Rick: [ thinking ] Upstairs.

Wayne: [ excited ] Great, great! [ dials upstairs and hands the phone to Rick ] Go! Go!

Voice on Phone: Hello?

Rick: Is this Wayne’s Mother?

Voice on Phone: Yes, it is.

Rick: May I speak to Wayne.

Voice on Phone: Uh.. I’m afraid he’s doing his show right now.

Rick: Well, it’s rather important!

Voice on Phone: Who may I say is calling?

Rick: His Math teacher. Mr. Sphincter!

[ Wayne and Garth lose their composure ]

Voice on Phone: Hold on, I’ll get him..

[ Wayne’s Mom walks downstairs ]

Mrs. Campbell: Wayne? Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt, but your Math teacher, Mr. Sphincter, is on the line.

[ Wayne, Garth and Rick crack up, Rick stomping his boot to the hardwood floor ]

Wayne: I’m sorry, Mom? What was that name again?

Mrs. Campbell: Mr. Sphincter.

Wayne: Thanks!

Mrs. Campbell: [ wraps her arm around Wayne ] You kids having fun, honey? I think that’s important. You want some potato chips, or rumballs or something?

Wayne: Yeah, rumballs. Yeah, right, Mom.

Mrs. Campbell: [ starts walking upstairs ] Okay. Well, you’re gonna talk to Mr. Sphincter? [ Wayne tries not to laugh ] Is the music too loud, honey?

Wayne: [ trying not to laugh ] No, it’s okay. But, Mom, just so I’m clear, okay – who’s on the line again?

Mrs. Campbell: Wayne, how many times do I have to tell you? Mr. Sphincter! [ Wayne, Garh and Rick stomp their feet ] Okay, I’ll see you later. Bye, Garth! Have fun now!

Wayne: Bye, Mom! Oh, mean, that was so funny, Iswear I was gonna hurl!

Rick: Yeah. Well, look here, boys. I got a party to go to. I’m out the back way.

Wayne: A party?

Rick: Yeah, well, don’t even think about coming. It’s a gimp-free zone. [ tugs Wayne’s cap over his eyes, then exits the basement through a side door ]

Wayne: Alright, okay Well, okay, thanks for coming on the show, Rick. [ jams guitar ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!” Wow, I can’t believe he came on the show, that’s amazing..


[ suddenly, Nancy rushes downstairs ]

Nancy: Hi, Wayne! Hi, Garth! I just saw Rick on TV! Where is he! I haveto talk to him! I do, I have to!

Wayne: Nancy, we have a show, alright? I mean, you see Rick, you bolt over here like a mental case..

Garth: Yeah, what a nympho!

Wayne: [ fake sneezing in his hand ] What a slut! What a slut!

Nancy: Shut up!

Wayne: Soory, I have a cold! [ laughs with Garth ]

Nancy: Wayne, you are not my Dad.

Wayne: Hey, no guff. But I’ll tell you one thing, you know – he’s got the hots for you, man. He says you’re a babe. You are a marked woman!

Nancy: [ excited ] Are you kidding? He knows who I am! [ screams joyfully ]

Wayne: [ mimics fish gills ] Fished in!

Garth: Caught her! He hooked her, he cleaned her! Fished in! Fished in!

Nancy: You guys are pail. You’re really bucket.

Wayne: Nice try! No one says that any more, alright? God, you’re prehistoric! You’re pre-cambrian. That’s all the time we have for this week. Until then – goodnight, party on!

Garth: Goodnight, party on!

Wayne: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!”

[ title out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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