Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2
Gil Madabon…..Phil Hartman
Sherry Carter…..Jan Hooks
Steve Hoaglin…..Jon Lovitz
Mark-Linn Baker…..Mike Myers
Richard Chamberlain…..Kevin Nealon
Gil Madabon: Hello! And welcome, everyone, to our returning celebrities – Mark-Linn Baker, and Richard Chamberlain. And, of course, our contestants – Sherry Carter, you’re a Speech Therapist at Cedar Sinai Hospital.
Sherry Carter: That’s right, Gil!
Gil Madabon: And, Mark, your partner today is the Office Manager of a downtown law firm – let’s welcome Steve Hoaglin!
Steve Hoaglin: Thanks, Gil!
Gil Madabon: Now, Steve, let’s play “Word Busters”! Annnnnd.. go![ clue: “Ow My Nose” ] [ Mark smacks Steve in the nose ]
Steve Hoaglin: Ow, my nose!
Gil Madabon: That’s three points![ clue: “Hey Quit It” ] [ Mark flicks Steve’s face ]
Steve Hoaglin: Hey, quit it!
Gil Madabon: Very good![ clue: “Damn That Smarts” ] [ Mark smacks Steve in the head ]
Steve Hoaglin: Oh, shoot, that hurts![ Mark smacks Steve again ]
Steve Hoaglin: Damn, that hurts![ Mark smacks Steve again ]
Steve Hoaglin: Damn, that smarts!
Gil Madabon: There we go! Alright, that’s the end of the first half! Mark-Linn and Steve have seven points! Mark-Linn, you’re amazing – how do you do it?
Mark-Linn Baker: The ability to read my partner like a book, his weaknesses, and, of course, acting, the craft. The work is so important. And a vast medical knowledge, nerve endings, pressure points and the like. I could go on..
Gil Madabon: Please don’t. I was just being polite. Now, Richard, as usual, you’re paired with a very lovely lady!
Richard Chamberlain: Ahh.. [ waves his hand ]
Gil Madabon: Okay.. well, let’s see how the two of you do. Since you have to go second, Sherry, we’ll give you choice of category. Your choices are: Things You Say While Being Pricked With Pins; Things You Say When Drowning; Things You Say While Being Clubbed In The Head; and Nonsense Sounds That Pain Makes You Say.
Richard Chamberlain: How about Pins?
Sherry Carter: Uh.. uh.. I don’t want to go through with this, Gil..
Gil Madabon: If you can’t decide, a category will be chosen at random.. [ she doesn’t choose, so “Clubbed In The Head” is randomly selected ] Alright, the category is: Things You Say While Being Clubbed In The Head![ clue: “Now Wait A Second” ] [ Richard pulls out a club ]
Sherry Carter: [ nervous ] Now.. now wait a second..
Gil Madabon: And that scores![ clue: “Hey C’Mon That’s – It’s Not – No” ] [ Richard rolls up his sleeves and picks up the club ]
Sherry Carter: [ more nervous ] Hey, c’mon, that’s – it’s not – no!
Gil Madabon: Excellent![ clue: “Thud” ] [ Richard raises the club; Sherry faints with a crash ]
Gil Madabon: Judges? [ buzzer sounds ] No.. the experts tell me that was more of a crash than a thud. Sherry gets no points. Steve, you and Mark-Linn are the winners, and qualify for the Speed Round!
Steve Hoaglin: It sounds like a thud to me, maybe we could go back!
Gil Madabon: Oh, like you would know, Steve. As always, in the Speed Round, you will be trying to guess as many words as possible in only fifteen seconds. But, first, Don Pardo, tell him what he will win!
Announcer: Something good. Something very, very good.
Steve Hoaglin: [ excited ] Yes! I’m ready!
Gil Madabon: Alright, take your positions, gentlemen, as we begin the most exciting part of our show! And.. ready.. go![ clue: “Quit It” ] [ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]
Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit it![ clue: “No” ] [ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]
Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ow! No![ clue: “Gah” ] [ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]
Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! My eye! Pass!
Gil Madabon: Alright, we’ll pass.[ clue: “Ah My Head” ] [ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]
Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ah, my head!
Gil Madabon: You did it! Steve, you are our new champion! Will you come back tomorrow?
Steve Hoaglin: Oh, I’d love to.. [ accepts an ice pack for his head ]
Gil Madabon: Great! Then we’ll see you tomorrow, on “Word Busters”!