SNL Transcripts: Rick Moranis: 10/07/89: The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89


Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones


The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89

Zsa Zsa Gabor…..Victoria Jackson
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Jim Bakker…..Rick Moranis
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Customer…..Jon Lovitz
Clerk…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: “Chattanooga Women’s Correctional Facility” ] [ dissolve open on Zsa Zsa Gabor being beat up by the other female prisoners, until Leona Helmesley enters to break it up ]

Leona Helmesley: That’s enough!

Buffy: Back off, Leona! Zsa Zsa ain’t your problem!Leona Helmesley: That’s right, Buffy.. you’re my problem! [ pounds Buffy to the ground ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Stop, dahlink, please. She’s dead already. Dahlink! [ slaps Leona ] [ cut to nighttime, show Leona holding a gun to Zsa Zsa’s back as they dig through an escape tunnel underneath the prison ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I can’t go on any longer, dahlink!

Leona Helmesley: You wanna rot in that stinkin’ joint?! Keep digging!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I’m not made for this type of thing. New York is where I’d rather stay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I get allergic smelling hay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up! And you’d better keep that dog quiet!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: He can’t help it, he’s very nervous.

Leona Helmesley: I’m giving you five seconds to shut that mutt up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Please, Froo Froo! Mommy needs you to be quiet!

[ Froo Froo continues to bark nervously; Leona gras it and shoots it dead ]

Froo Froo! Ohh! My little Froo Froo!

Leona Helmesley: Stop that whimpering! I said stop that whimpering!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Dahlink, I am stopping the whimpering already..

Leona Helmesley: Then what the hell is that?

[ Jim Bakker breaks through he tunnel, whimpering ]

Jim Bakker: Oh, praise the Lord, thank God! I thought you were the cops. Unh, unh, unh..

Leona Helmesley: Jim Bakker!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Thank God, dahlink. Someone from show business.

Leona Helmesley: How the hell did you get here?

Jim Bakker: I was tunneling out of the men’s prison, and I.. I got lost.. unh.. [ curls into fetal position and cries ]

Leona Helmesley: You little wimp! Get out of that fetal position! I’ve got an 85-year-old husband who’s senile and incontinent, and he’s still twice the man you are!

Jim Bakker: Please don’t hurt me, Insane Tenant Lady! Hey.. I can help you – I got a getaway car waiting.

Leona Helmesley: Start digging!

[ dissolve to Tammy Faye Bakker waiting in the getaway car, singing her praises to God as Jim, Leona and Zsa Zsa stumble into the car ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: Jim..? Who are these women, have you had their way with them? I forgive you! I do! I forgive you! [ weeps ]

Jim Bakker: They forced me to take them along!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Are they Christians?

Leona Helmesley: [ points her gun at Tammy’s head ] This is my gun.. [ opens the barrel ] ..and these are his six apostles!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ weeping ] Oh, Dear Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer, oh Lord!

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ] [ disolve to interior, 7-11 somewhere in the Midwest ]

Clerk: Okay, that’s a Playboy, a Penthouse, a large coffee, and a Nodoze.. [ accepts payment ] Thank you.

Customer: Thank you! [ exits 7-11 ]

Leona enters with gun pointed to a weeping Tammy Faye Bakker’s back ]

Clerk: Hello, ma’am! May I help you?

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ trying to point her eyes towards Leona on the side ] Oh, gosh, what is it that I want? [ giggles nervously ]

Clerk: That’s alright, ma’am, just calm down. You take your time, and then tell me what you need.

Leona Helmesley: [ moves in and points her gun at the Clerk ] I’ll tell you what we need, we need the MONEY!!

Clerk: [ trembling ] Okay, okay, lady, don’t shoot!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ praying as she takes the money from the cash register ] Oh, Lord, please forgive us for what we’re doing..

Leona Helmesley: Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!!

Clerk: I’m not looking at you!!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Don’t kill him, Leona, please don’t kill him!!

Leona Helmesley: [ angry ] You said my NAME!! You said my NAME!!

[ back at the car, Jim hits on Zsa Zsa ]

Jim Bakker: Of course, Tammy.. forgave me for my indescretion with Jessica.. But that’s the kind of marriage we have. It’s open. [ a gunshot is heard ] What the hel was that?! [ starts weeping ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Get a grip on yourself, dahlink!

Jim Bakker: I’m okay.. [ weeps some more ] [ inside, Leona and Tammy Faye are arguing, as the Clerk lays dying across the counter ]

Leona Helmesley: I’m taking this out ot the car – here.. [ hands the gun over ] finish him off! [ exits ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: No, I can’t do that! I can’t.. [ her mascara is running down her face as she cries ] Oh, Lord.. I know I’ve asked you for a lot.. but grant me this one prayer: please let this witness die of wounds already received! Oh, Lord.. this is the only thing I ask of you: let this witness die!”

Leona Helmesley: [ re-enters ] I told you to finish him off! [ takes the gun and shoots the Clerk dead at last ] [ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: [ holding up the stolen money ] Alright, dahlinks, I’ve figured it out – we’ve got $1,648, that’s $412 each, dahlink..

Leona Helmesley: You’re gonna give them half!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Well, why shouldn’t we get equal shares? WE run the same risk!

Leona Helmesley: Oh, yeah, right, “We run the same risk..” Then why, when it’s your turn to pull the trigger, you wuss up?!

Tammy Faye Bakker: I’m going to say something, and I’m going to say it right now: I think you killed far too may people on this spree! You didn’t hsave to kill that clown in front of the car wash, it was just part of a promotion!

Jim Bakker: Praise Thee!

Leona Helmesley: Wait a minute.. the car wash.. How come we only have $1,600 – that was a thousand right there! A thousand at the car wash, eight-hundred at the photomat..

Zsa Zsa Gabor: That’s right, dahlin, we should have a lot more..

[ the Bakkers whistle quietly ]

Leona Helmesley: Bakker?

Jim Bakker: I swear I didn’t do it! [ Leona points her gun ] Alright! Alright! It’s in my pants!

Leona Helmesley: [ pulls it out of his pants ] Is that it?

Jim Bakker: There’s a fifty taped to the bottom of the oil can..

Leona Helmesley: Any more?!

Jim Bakker: I mailed myself $200 from the last motel..

Leona Helmesley: That’s all?!

Jim Bakker: I put a five in a baggie and swallowed it!

Leona Helmesley: And?

Jim Bakker: That’s it!

Leona Helmesley: Al-right, you sonofabitch, you’re dead meat! If ZSa ZSa could drive a stick, your brains would be splattered all over that window!!

Jim Bakker: No! no! Noooooo!!

[ Jim loses control of the wheel, as they careen over a cliff ] [ SUPER: “THE END” ] [ Scrolling SUPER: “The character of Leona Helmesley was actually a composite of many characters, including the real Leona Helmsley and a number of convicted serial killers. The characters of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and Zsa Zsa Gabor, however, are based on fact.” ] [ fade out ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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1 year ago

This is my favorite SNL sketch ever!

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