Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 3
The Egg Man
Egg Man…..Phil Hartman
[ Open on Clarise’s bedroom. She enters, closes the door, then removes the Egg Man from a secret hiding place and props him gently on top of a pillow on her bed. ]
Clarise: Uh.. I’m sorry, I just, um.. I just really needed to talk to you.
Egg Man: I thought we had an agreement, Clarise?
Clarise: Oh, I know! I know!
Egg Man: We agreed that we would have our talks when you were calm and we were alone. Now, Carl and Jimmy are home – I know. I heard you arguing – the timing is bad, very bad!
Clarise: Dammit! [ picks Egg Man up forcefully ] We always play by your rules!
Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —
Clarise: What about my needs?! I’m upset, and you want to cut off communication!
Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —
Clarise: I need you now!
Egg Man: Easy, easy, easy —
Clarise: You pompous bastard! [ throws Egg Man across the bed, where he lands facedown ]
Egg Man: [ muffled voice ]
Clarise: Oh, God! Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! [ gently picks the Egg-Man up and returns him to a face-up position ] I’m sorry, I know that was out of line, I know it.
Egg Man: [ sweating ] Alright.. alright.. easy does it.. Let’s bend the rules.. we’ll talk a little now – though you’re not altogether calm.
Clarise: Good. You see, Jimmy is being extremely difficult.
Egg Man: My point was simply that one tends to lose one’s reason when in a state of passion, that’s all.
Clarise: Shut up! Just shut up!!
Egg Man: Alright.. yes, you were saying?
Clarise: I was saying, my son is driving me up the wall.. he wants to go to this rock concert, one of those damn satanic groups, it’s scaring the hell out of me!
Egg Man: Uh-huh. And wht group is that?
Clarise: Motley Crue.
Egg Man: Motley Crue?
Egg Man: Okay.. okay. Motley Crue does worship the forces of evil. Go on.
Clarise: Well, it’s just that he’s changed so! All he does is wear black leather and all this eye make-up.. his bedroom is covered with pentagrams! He has this altar with this weird goathead shrine —
Egg Man: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Any evidence of chicken feathers, an animal sacrifice of any kind?
Clarise: Well, I’m not sure, I mean, he slams the door before I get a good look. You don’t think –?
Egg Man: — that Jimmy is in a satanic cult of heavy metal dope fiends? I don’t know. I do think that there’s reason for concern.[ Jimmy knocks at the door ]
Egg Man: [ alarmed ] Okay, okay.. put me away for now.. [ Clarise stands up to answer the door ] No, no, no, no, no..
Clarise: What is it now, dammit?!
Jimmy: [ standing at the door, wearing black leather and evil eye make-up ] Okay, like, I’m going to the concert, alright!
Clarise: Over my dead body!
Jimmy: Oh, don’t tempt me, man! Don’t tempt me! You don’t understand, because it’s our music, alright!
Clarise: Who is this “we”? What is this “our”? What are you referring to?!
Jimmy: As in “us”, and not “you”! Look, just give me the money, man, I’m going! [ enters room, notices Egg Man on the pillow ] Wha – what’s that thing?
Clarise: [ worried ] Oh, it’s nothing, it’s nothing.. it’s just a leftover Easter egg.. I – I —
Jimmy: Hey! It’s a little egg dude!
Egg Man: Hello, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Who are you, man?
Egg Man: Well.. there’s no easy answer to that, Jimmy. All I can tell you is, I’m a friend. I came here to help your mother. She’s been feeling a lot of frustration in her life of late. Much of it has to do with your father, his drinking, his cutting off of his feelings and affection. She feels estranged from you, as well. My existence fulfills her need for a still, small voice, a voice of reason and compassion. Do you understand?
Jimmy: [ solemn ] Yeah.. I get it.. [ picks up Egg Man, tosses him in the air and catches him repeatedly ]
Egg Man: Easy! Whoa.. no, no, no!
Jimmy: [ throws Egg Man against the wall, splattering him everywhere ]
Clarise: [ screams, hugging Egg Man’s remains on the wall ]
Jimmy: [ ransacks her purse for money ] Alright, so just keep the money coming, and just maybe I won’t tell Dad about your little egg friend! [ hisses ]
Clarise: [ cries as she hugs the wall ]
Announcer: Tune in next time, for another episode of “Egg Man.”[ fade ]