Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 3
Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual
Lyle’s Wife…..Chris Evert
[ open on Lyle and Susan lying in bed ]
Susan: Oh baby, that was amazing, like you know exactly what I need, you know? I’m just crazy about you. [ kisses Lyle ]
Lyle: [ with a lisp ] We’ve got to stop seeing each other, Susan!
Susan: No, but Lyle, it’s so good that we’ve got this great chemistry, baby.
Lyle: I’m a married man, and you’re a married woman. Isn’t yourhusband getting suspicious?
Susan: No, no. [ lights a cigarette ] Tony doesn’t suspect a thing, baby. I swear.
Lyle: How could he not?
Susan: Well, he thinks you’re gay.
Lyle: [ shocked ] What?! That’s insane![ Cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual
He’s so terribly conjectual.
Why he behaves that way, he’s not gay!
He’s just Lyle, he’s swishy yes it’s true
But he’s as straight as me, and probably you!
The effeminate heterosexual
No use getting intellectual
Because nobody knows why
He runs like a girl, he throws like a girl,
Walks like a girl, talks like a girl
He’s Lyle and I’ll tell you so help me
He’s all guy”
Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Kids, kids! The game’s on in five minutes, Bears vs. the Vikings! I’m not gonna wait for you!
Scott: [ from above ] Okay, Dad!
Lyle: [ strikes a weak pose ] Bears are gonna kick some ass, yay! [ sits down in his chair and takes a weak sip of his drink ] Yum yum, yummy beer! Let’s see what’s on after the game. [ leafs through TV Guide ] Ooh, “Splash”, Darryl Hannah, ouch, that hurts. Love to get some of that fishtail! [ Lyle’s wife suddenly enters the room ] Oh! Oh, my God! [ hides the magazine ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, what are you reading?
Lyle: Oh nothing, dear. How was your day? I love you, honey. [ kisses her ]
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, I love you too. It was the same. I’m a little worried about Scott, though. I think he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems a little upset.
Lyle: [ peevishly ] Well, I was wondering why he wasn’t down for the game. I mean it’s only for first place! I’ll just have a little man-to-man with him. That should do it.
Lyle’s Wife: Well, I’ll get you another beer, okay? [ phone rings – she answers it ] Hello? Oh yes, Mr. McGowan, he’s right here. [ to Lyle ] Lyle, it’s Billy’s art teacher, Mr. McGowan. He wants to talk to you.
Lyle: [ gets up and strolls slowly to the phone ] Billy’s taking art? What the hell for?
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, honey! [ hands him the phone ]
Lyle: [ grabs phone ] Hello? Yes? Oh yes I remember, back at theChristmas pageant, right? No, I’m sorry..? Well, that’s very nice that you like me.. Well, I really have no opinion of you. I’m sure you’re a decent fellow, why do you ask? Coffee? Well, why should I want.. What?! Oh, that’s insane! On what basis do you come to that conclusion? Oh, that is the sickest thing! Listen, you queer! If you so much as look at me at the next school function, I will rip your lungs out, do you hear me? [ slams the receiver ] Geez! What kind of world do we live in?[ Scott comes running down the stairs ]
Scott: Hey Dad.
Lyle: [ stopping him ] Scott, Scott, sit down, let’s have a beer.
Scott: No thanks, Dad. I think I’m gonna go over to Richie’s.
Lyle: Now son, your mother tells me something’s bothering you. Now what’s the matter? Girl problems?
Scott: [ dejectedly ] Yeah.
Lyle: Would you like to tell me about it?
Scott: Well you wouldn’t understand.
Lyle: What do you mean? Come on, I’m not that old!
Scott: Well, it’s not that, it’s just.. I don’t know.. I mean, aren’t you gay?
Lyle: What?! I just don’t believe this! I oughtta kick your ass all across this room! Gay? I am your father, dammit!
Scott: Well a lot of gay men have families, Dad. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Lyle: [ shouts in surprise ] Oh! You go upstairs, you aregrounded! You stay up there until you figure out that I am not gay!
Scott: Okay Dad, I’m sorry. It’s just that.. forget it. [ returns upstairs ]
Lyle: [ still in disbelief ] Oh! My own son. [ doorbell rings – Lyle finds Susan at the door ] Susan!
Lyle: I told you never to come here!
Susan: I can’t hold it back any longer. I need to talk to your wife and resolve this once and for all. You know you need me as much as I need you baby! You know you do! [ gives Lyle a long kiss ]
Lyle: [ resisting ] No! No, no![ Lyle’s wife returns to the room ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, who was at the doo.. oh!
Lyle: [ startled ] Oh! [ nervous exchange of glances among the three ] Honey, this is.. [ giggles nervously ] ..this is Susan Simpkins. She’s an old..
Susan: Your husband and I are very much in love.
Lyle’s Wife: What?
Susan: We’ve been having an affair for over a year now. I’m sorry.
Lyle’s Wife: I don’t believe you! My husband would never have an affair!
Lyle: That’s right, honey!
Lyle’s Wife: It’s impossible – he’s gay!
Lyle: [ stunned, faces the camera for a close-up shot ] Whaaaaaat?!![ cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s asked us to say, he’s straight and not gay
He’s Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual!”
Submitted by: Rob Holtman