Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 5
The Nude House Of Wacky People
Tatsuo Nosaka…..Mike Myers
Wacky Father…..Dana Carvey
Wacky Mother…..Victoria Jackson
Wacky Son…..Jeff Renaudo
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
[Tatsuo sits at desk. behind him are posters of Columbia Pictures films]
Tatsuo Nosaka: Hello, my name is Tatsuo Nosaka, I am new president of Columbia Pictures. I want to take opportunity to tell American people, we understand what you like! We are working hard to make many new films and television shows for you to consume. In fact, we have just finished new situation comedy for American TV audience. It is crazy and out to lunch! It is called “The Nude House Of Wacky People.” Here are some scenes:
[Stock footage of a car wiping out and hurtling down a cliff. Inset circle of Tatsuo narrating]
Here is the father coming home from work with many American hamburgers for the family. He is driving so crazy it makes me laugh! Oh, no! He is crashing so much I have to laugh again! This is too much for me to look at and yet somehow I want to watch more!
[Sitcom living room. The father carries an armload of hamburgers through the front door]
Here is the father again, trying to carry the hamburgers home. Maybe he should carry the car it is so small by now!
Oh, no! How much more insane can it get, I am wondering also.
[Father opens door. Bear enters & immediately attacks Father.]
A bear? How did he get there? There is no time for wondering, because the father is already fighting the bear! Then the bear leaves.
[The bear does indeed stop fighting and walks calmly out the door.]
Whew! Could we please stop now because it is so insane? No, we cannot!
[Wacky mother descends staircase]
Uh-oh, here comes the mother! She is asking the father why the hamburgers smell like a car that has crashed. He tries to think of a falsehood, but he cannot! So he throws fudge at her!
[Father throws a handful of fudge at mother. Bear enters from front door]
Then the bear comes back for more fighting!
This is so unusual, I might have to lose my mind! This family is too eccentric!
[Bear calmly leaves again]
I am glad it’s over.
[The two children come down the stairs]
Hey! Here are the children of the wacky family! “Thank you for so many hamburgers,” they say! “Ohhhh,” says the father, “you cannot have hamburgers or candy canes until you do your homework!” “But we have no homework,” say the children. “No homework?” Says the wacky father, “Then you will have to fight the bear!”
[Father opens the door for the Bear, who now fights with all four family members.]
I hope you have enjoyed these scenes from “The Nude House of Wacky People,” Coming in January on CBS! If these pictures have not already convinced you how insane it is, then how about this?
[a green, dollar-sign-festooned show ribbon appears with Ronald Reagan’s face inside]
That is right, it is the Ron Reagan United States presidential seal of approval!
Ronald Reagan: The Nude House Of Wacky People is just the kind of wholesome family entertainment that Japan is known for. Nancy loves it too!
Tatsuo Nosaka: And, don’t forget our other new shows, such as:
[Appropriate title card appears for each show]
“You Can’t Stop Him, He’s Too Insane!”
“Good Hitting Police,”
and, “Who Can Figure Out Such Devices?”
If I am not mistaken, they will all drive you into a gourd! Later, dudes!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod