SNL Transcripts: Woody Harrelson: 11/18/89: Five Easy Pieces ’89


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 5

89f: Woody Harrelson / David Byrne

Five Easy Pieces ’89

Counter Woman…..Nora Dunn
Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman
Bimbo…..Victoria Jackson

[ Jack Nicholson enters the Warner Brothers Payroll Office with two bimbos at his side ]

Counter Woman: Yes, Mr. Nicholson, can I help you?

Jack Nicholson: Yes, I think you can. I believe I have an arrangement with Warner Brothers, whereby I receive 20% of the gross ticket sales for the film “Batman.” The first payment, of which, I’m supposed to collect upon release of the videocassette, which I believe is today.

Counter Woman: That’s correct, Mr. Nicholson. [ grabs envelope ] Yes, I have a check for your “Batman” royalties here – through the 15th – totaling $50 million.

Jack Nicholson: Okay.. I would like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in Time-Warner stock, $4 million in travelers checks, and the other $6 million in hundreds and twenties.

Counter Woman: [ not amused ] We can’t split your payment that way.

Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you can’t split my payment that way?

Counter Woman: We can’t sell travelers checks – it’s against the rules. I can give you $30 million in the government bonds, $5 million T-bills, and the rest in cash. It’s our Advantage Plan, it comes with a preferred interest rate.

Jack Nicholson: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But that’s not what I want.

Counter Woman: Well – I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.

Jack Nicholson: Wait a minute – I have made up my mind! I’d like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in stock – forget the travelers checks – and the other $4 million I would like in rolls of nickels.

Counter Woman: We don’t sell Time-Warner stock for cash!

Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you don’t sell stock?

Counter Woman: Would you like to talk to the head of the department?

Bimbo: Hey, Mac!

Jack Nicholson: Shut up! You’ve got shares on the market, stock certificates of some kind?

Counter Woman: I don’t make the rules.

Jack Nicholson: Okay, I’ll make this as easy for you as I can. I’d like $30 million in government bonds, and the rest in hundreds, twenties, and nickels.

Counter Woman: A select service plan. Anything else?

Jack Nicholson: Yeah, now all you have to do is take $10 million from my corporate account, convert it into Time-Warner stock, have the corporation sell the stock to me, I approve the transaction, I keep the stock, and you haven’t broken any rules.

Counter Woman: You want me to liquidate your corporate stocks, so you can sell it back to yourself, huh?

Jack Nicholson: I want you to hold it between your knees.

Counter Woman: You see that sign [ points to “No Smartness Or Sarcasm” sign ] I guess y’all have to leave! I don’t have to take your smartness and sarcasm!

Jack Nicholson: You see this sign?! [ sweeps his arm across the counter, busting the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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