Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 5
Five Easy Pieces ’89
Counter Woman…..Nora Dunn
Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman
Counter Woman: Yes, Mr. Nicholson, can I help you?
Jack Nicholson: Yes, I think you can. I believe I have an arrangement with Warner Brothers, whereby I receive 20% of the gross ticket sales for the film “Batman.” The first payment, of which, I’m supposed to collect upon release of the videocassette, which I believe is today.
Counter Woman: That’s correct, Mr. Nicholson. [ grabs envelope ] Yes, I have a check for your “Batman” royalties here – through the 15th – totaling $50 million.
Jack Nicholson: Okay.. I would like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in Time-Warner stock, $4 million in travelers checks, and the other $6 million in hundreds and twenties.
Counter Woman: [ not amused ] We can’t split your payment that way.
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you can’t split my payment that way?
Counter Woman: We can’t sell travelers checks – it’s against the rules. I can give you $30 million in the government bonds, $5 million T-bills, and the rest in cash. It’s our Advantage Plan, it comes with a preferred interest rate.
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But that’s not what I want.
Counter Woman: Well – I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.
Jack Nicholson: Wait a minute – I have made up my mind! I’d like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in stock – forget the travelers checks – and the other $4 million I would like in rolls of nickels.
Counter Woman: We don’t sell Time-Warner stock for cash!
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you don’t sell stock?
Counter Woman: Would you like to talk to the head of the department?
Bimbo: Hey, Mac!
Jack Nicholson: Shut up! You’ve got shares on the market, stock certificates of some kind?
Counter Woman: I don’t make the rules.
Jack Nicholson: Okay, I’ll make this as easy for you as I can. I’d like $30 million in government bonds, and the rest in hundreds, twenties, and nickels.
Counter Woman: A select service plan. Anything else?
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, now all you have to do is take $10 million from my corporate account, convert it into Time-Warner stock, have the corporation sell the stock to me, I approve the transaction, I keep the stock, and you haven’t broken any rules.
Counter Woman: You want me to liquidate your corporate stocks, so you can sell it back to yourself, huh?
Jack Nicholson: I want you to hold it between your knees.
Counter Woman: You see that sign [ points to “No Smartness Or Sarcasm” sign ] I guess y’all have to leave! I don’t have to take your smartness and sarcasm!
Jack Nicholson: You see this sign?! [ sweeps his arm across the counter, busting the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“