1989

SNL Transcripts: Robert Wagner: 12/09/89: Weekend Update with Dennis Miller



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 8



89h: Robert Wagner / Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

[Lengthy cheers and applause for Dennis.]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,you’re – you’re almost too kind. You know … Whatcan I tell ya?

The embattled East German Communist Party is debatinga name change. They’ve whittled it down to twochoices, either the “Social Democratic Workers Party”or the “Wolverines” and … in either case, though,the mascot will be a wolverine.

[Photo of several rows of tough-looking uniformed men]A convention of dictators was held this week in LasVegas, Nevada. … Shooting broke out when thescheduled performer, Gallagher, was replaced by HowieMandel. …

[Photo of President George Bush and PublishersClearinghouse Sweepstakes spokesman Ed McMahon shakinghands] Ed McMahon knocked on the White House dooryesterday and handed President Bush a check for tenmillion dollars … proving that the contest really ison the level. …

President Bush said this week that while he waslimited in his discussions with Gorbachev at the Maltaconference because of the bizarre weather conditions,they did agree to have a summit sometime next year inthe summer. And Bush said he plans to hold the summitthirty miles north of Los Angeles on the San Andreasfault. …

The White House says that President Bush plans toattend a drug summit in Colombia in February. Hey, yaknow, that’s a press junket I thought I might pass on,huh? [heavy sarcasm] “Oh! An exclusive?! Riding in thepresident’s car through downtown Bogota?! Oh, yeah!Yeah! Gee, sorry! I got a “Back to the Future III”thing at the Waldorf that day.” …

[Photo of military man with giant, curly handlebarmustache] And it was revealed this week that thelatest coup attempt in the Philippines was under theleadership of this man, Generalissimo Dad. …

[Photo of Soviet Premier Gorbachev sitting across adesk from Pope John Paul II] Mikhail Gorbachevrecently was the first Soviet leader to have anaudience with the Pope. He is pictured here in theVatican library just before the pontiff pushed thebutton on the trap door chair. … Afterwards -afterwards, no one laughed harder than the Kremlinchief. …

And, according to reports out of Berlin this week,since the Wall has come down, millions of elderly EastGermans have been complaining about a bit of a draft…. [applause and cheers]

You know, I’m, uh – You know, I’m trepidatious about aunified Germany in much the same way I am about DeanMartin and Jerry Lewis getting back together. … Ihaven’t really enjoyed any of their previouscollaborations and I’m not sure I need to see any oftheir new stuff. …

[Photos of White House unveiling ceremony and aportrait of Ronald Reagan posed with a hand on hisdesk] President Reagan’s official portrait wasunveiled this week at a White House ceremony.Appropriately enough, the portrait depicts theabsent-minded president inadvertently pressing thebutton on his desk and destroying the planet….

Olympic star Nadia Comaneci announced that she plansto live with her married lover, Constantine Panait,the man who helped her escape from Romania last week.Nadia, who won all those gold medals in the ’76Olympics is still in great shape, as you can see here.[photo of Nadia doing a spectacular mid-air backbend]Her boyfriend, Constantine, is now in a south Floridahospital having all the bones in his body removed. …Except THAT one! … [cheers and applause] But that’snot really a bone, is it? … [photo of Nadia stickingher tongue out] Just an amazingly intricate set ofcapillaries … Boy, science blows me away! You know–… [cheers]

Asked if she didn’t – asked if she didn’t think it wasunfair to ask a married man to leave his wife and fourchildren for her, Comaneci said, “So what? It doesn’tmatter.” [Dennis shakes his head and adopts a singsongtone] Nad-i-a! [holds up a sign reading “4.0” andshakes his head sadly] … [cheers and applause]

In Louisiana, Republican state representative DavidDuke, a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,announced this week that he will seek the U.S. Senateseat in Louisiana. When Duke was asked if he didn’tfeel his past as a Ku Klux Klan leader would haunt himin his political aspirations forever, he said,”There’s no way people will ever forget that. I guessit’s my cross to burn forever.” …

And now, it’s time for “Dennis Miller’s ChristmasCraft Corner”! … This week, I’ll be showing you howto make that special Christmas wreath project [dumps abag’s worth of Wonder Bread wrappers on the desk infront of him] out of all those old, used Wonder Breadwrappers. … [Bobbing his head enthusiastically as ifhosting a craft show] Now, what you do is, you takeeight or ten Wonder Bread wrappers, like I have here–[Using his arm, Dennis suddenly sweeps the wrappersoff the desk and on to the floor – bluntly] And youget rid of ’em. Ya get a credit card, you go to astore, you buy a wreath. All right? Thank you. …[cheers and applause]

[Photo of elderly comedian George Burns holding a copyof one of his books] And, this morning, George Burnsdisplayed a hardcover book that was removed from hisurinary tract Thursday … in a delicate three-houroperation. … Burns said that he was curious to readthe book that had been formed by the slow action ofchemical processes in his bladder. …

A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved thisweek by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA hasalso approved plans for a catheter that will cureallergies. …

New York State Lottery officials today unveiled a newLotto card that has an almost fifty percent chance ofwinning two million dollars. Cards will go on salenext month at a million dollars a pop. …

Domino’s Pizza owner Tom Monaghan said yesterday hemay sell the company to his employees. Talks arealready in progress but Monaghan said if the dealisn’t completed in thirty minutes, they can have thewhole company for nothing. …

A sports note. Sugar Ray Leonard defeated RobertoDuran in a unanimous decision Thursday night in LasVegas. Boy, did you see Round Seven? Did you see howmad Duran got when Sugar Ray kicked his walker outfrom underneath of him? … Asked about his futureplans, Duran said he’ll keep his date to fight nextmonth against renowned character actor Hume Cronin.[photo of the elderly Cronin] …

In a last-minute Christmas rush to cash in on themedia hype surrounding “Trump: The Game,” the GruberCorporation has now created “Merv: The Game.” Therules are the same except that, when playing “Merv,”the person who finishes a distant second is thewinner. …

TV Guide came out with a special issue this week ontelevision in the eighties and features a sectioncalled “Twenty Moments that Shaped – and Shook – theDecade.” The number-seventh-rated moment was “LukeWeds Laura” on “General Hospital” and thenumber-twelfth-rated moment was “Diane Leaves Sam” on”Cheers.” And the number-twentieth-rated moment was”The Berlin Wall Opens.” … Maybe those EastBerliners should just turn around and go back, huh?They don’t know what it’s like out here. …

[Photo of two gigantic Japanese sumo wrestlers – inthe background, a ringside observer has a good view ofone wrestler’s backside] You know, I can’t even tellyou what makes these sumo wrestlers tick … but I cantell ya that that man in the background is lookin’ atthe worst thing he’ll ever see in his life. …[cheers and applause] And– There – there are justsome events you don’t want to be ringside at. Youknow– …

Starting in January, Gumbel fans will have theirchoice of morning show Gumbels. Bryant on NBC or bigbrother Greg on CBS. Actually Bryant doesn’t have abrother but a recent ego overflow was enough to makeanother Gumbel. …

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out o’here!

Submitted Anonymously

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