Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 9
The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas
Santa Claus…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Claus…..Nora Dunn
Hanukkah Harry….Jon Lovitz
Mrs. Claus: You’re just too sick, Santa. You have to stay in bed and that’s that.
Santa Claus: But it’s Christmas Eve! What about all the boys and girls?
Mrs. Claus: (pats his hand) They’ll just have to understand.
Santa Claus: No! I’ve delivered toys every Christmas for almost 2000 years! I’m not going to let a little stomach virus stop me. (wretches and vomits violently into a bucket held by an elf at his bedside.) Ohhh.. I feel like dying..
Mrs. Claus: Why can’t the elves deliver the toys?
Santa Claus: The elves just don’t possess the magic to visit the millions and millions of boys and girls in one night!
Mrs. Claus: Well, then I guess there isn’t going to be a Christmas.
Santa Claus: Well, there is one man who has that kind of magic, only he’s kinda’ busy this time of year himself.
Mrs. Claus: You mean..
Santa Claus: That’s right.. Hanukkah Harry![Cut to a shot of a small factory sitting next to a sign reading “Mt Sinai”] [Inside we see a whole plethora of people working at sewing machines. Thephone rings at the desk of a man with a gray beard, wearing a hat identicalto Santa’s, only it’s blue rather than red. He is writing with a feather andink at his desk.]
Hanukkah Harry: Hello? [pause] Speaking. [pause] Who? Oh hello, Santa! [yells to his staff] Hey! Could you hold it down, please, it’s longdistance.[They proceed working and their sewing machines suddenly register at half volume.]
Hanukkah Harry: Well, Santa you’ve kinda caught me at a bad time, this being Hanukkah and all, but why not?! [hangs up] [Fade into opening credits:] [Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation league presents:] [The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas!] [As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flyingthrough the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blanketsbearing their names.]
“On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!
It’s Hanukkah Harry 8 nights a year!
On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!
Means that Hanukkah Harry is here!
Delivering Toys to Jewish girls and Jewish boys
We dance the horah around the menorah
‘Cuz Hanukkah Harry is Here!”
Mrs. Claus: We can’t thank you enough Hanukkah Harry…Santa just can’t keep anything down.
Hanukkah Harry: Try a little cottage cheese.it’ll settle his stomach.
Santa Claus: (Holding his stomach and looking green) Harrrry..
Hanukkah Harry: Santa, I brought you a coffee ring.
Santa Claus: Thank you but I can’t keep anything down.
Hanukkah Harry: You should maybe try a little cottage cheese, It’ll settle your.. so I’m here.. talk to me.
Santa Claus: Harry..here’s a list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
Hanukkah Harry: Hmm.. Brad Anderson, naughty. Now what’d he do that was so bad?
Santa Claus: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn’t spoken to.
Hanukkah Harry: What is with you people?! What, is that a crime? He’s a kid! Kids talk. I’ll bring him a little something. Now listen, you get some rest, I’ll deliver the toys, and tomorrow I’ll call ya’. Don’t worry![Harry goes to leave and once again Mrs. C attempts to express theirgratitude.]
Mrs. Claus: Hanukkah Harry, we can’t thank you enough!
Hanukkah Harry: Oy! Stop..you’re embarrasing me!” [exits]
Mrs. Claus: (sits at Santa’s bedside, relieved) What a nice man!
Santa Claus: You know, I guess deep down everybody is pretty much the same.[They stop talking as they hear from Harry whip his donkeys bray and heshouts “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”] [Again we see the globe spinning as the cart carrying Harry delivers toysaround the world.] [Fade into the exterior of a suburban neighborhood, lit for Christmas.] [Inside young Scott and Christine sneak down the stairs in their pajamas.]
Scott: Look! The milk and cookies are still there!Christine: “I told you, he won’t come until we fall asleep![From outside the children hear noise on the roof, donkeys braying and avoice yells “Whoa Moische! Whoa Herschel! Whoa Schlomo!” The children jumpup and down excitedly.]
Scott: It’s him! It’s Santa Claus!
Christine: Quick! HIDE![As the children perch beside the Christmas tree, we hear squeezing noises and Harry and his blue hat come head first down the chimney. He yells “Oy!” He carries a blue sack with a menorah painted on it.]
Hanukkah Harry: Tree.Tree find the tree..Oh here we go!”[As he heads toward the tree he notices the milk and cookies on the mantle.]
Hanukkah Harry: What’s this? (sniffs the milk) Better put it in the fridge before it turns![As he walks toward the kitchen, Scott is unable to contain his excitement and leaps out at Harry.]
Hanukkah Harry: Oy! Ach! You gave me a coronary! What are you kids doing up?
Scott: We were just too excited, we couldn’t sleep!
Christine: Yeah We’re sorry. It doesn’t mean we won’t get any toys, does it?
Hanukkah Harry: What?! For insomnia? Don’t be silly. Try some warm milk, or bananas.. they have a little tryptophan, put you out like a light!
Scott: You don’t look like Santa. Santa’s supposed to have a red suit and a cherry nose. You have a black suit and your nose is..
Hanukkah Harry: [waves the description off] You’re a very smart boy. I’m not Santa Claus, I’m Hanukkah Harry.
Christine: Hanukkah Harry?
Hanukkah Harry: Yes, Santa, he had a stomach virus, so I’m filling in, bringing toys to all the Gentile boys and girls. Now Christine, Santa told me you’ve been very good. So I’m being especially nice to you. (hands her a present)
Christine: (excitedly rips open her gift) Socks?!
Hanukkah Harry: EIGHT pair, can you believe it?! And Scott, for you, some slacks![Scott opens a box with a pair of men’s pants.]
Hanukkah Harry: They’re a little big, but you’ll grow into ’em.Christine: “Gee, Hanukkah Harry, Thanks and everything, but normally Santabrings us toys and fun stuff.
Scott: Fun! Ha! Have I got fun! Christine, for you – a dreidel! And for you, son, some chocolate coins.[The children are obviously disappointed.]
Christine: Wait a minute, I get it!
Scott: Get what?
Christine: Well you know how we’re always jealous of Rachel and Josh down the block ’cause they always get Hanukkah presents for 8 nights? Well maybe these are the kind of presents they get, so we shouldn’t be jealous!
Scott: You’re right! You’re right!
Christine: And if Hanukkah Harry is helping Santa, maybe that means that Christians and Jews, deep down, are pretty much the same. Maybe that’s the true meaning of Christmas![The group is surprised by the sound of sleigh bells and the sound of “Ho!Ho! Ho!” coming from outside.]
Kids: It’s Santa! Santa!
Hanukkah Harry: He must have tried the cottage cheese!”[Santa slides down the chimney, fit as a fiddle, while the kids shriek andjump in disbelief.]
Santa Claus: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Christine: (hugging Santa) “Santa Claus, it’s really YOU!
Santa Claus: Yes Christine, your little speech about the true meaning of Christmas magically cured my flu! Now I can relieve Hanukkah Harry anddeliver all the toys to all the gentile boys and girls!
Santa Claus: (digs through his sack) “Christine, Your not supposed to open this ’til tomorrow.
Hanukkah Harry: Oh COME ON!
Santa Claus: Alright, it’s a Barbie make-me-pretty!
Christine: OH THANK YOU SANTA!
Santa Claus: Scott, this is for you – a pellet gun!
Scott: We love you Santa!
Hanukkah Harry: What am I molded white fish all of a sudden?
Christine: Oh Hanukkah Harry! (kisses him) We love you too! If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t have had Christmas at all!
Santa Claus: She’s right, you know!
Hanukkah Harry: Oh Oy, STOP! You’re embarrassing me![The Hannukah Harry theme plays as the children play with their toys. Fadeout to see the globe with both Santa’s sleigh and Harry’s cart in flight.The words Merry Christmas ~ Happy Hanukkah are super-imposed on the screen.] [ fade to black ]
Submitted by: Christy Zacharias