SNL Transcripts: Andie MacDowell: 12/16/89: Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 9

89i: Andie MacDowell / Tracy Chapman

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
Mrs. Claus … Victoria Jackson
… Al Franken
… Joe Franken

Music Intro: The coda of “Hey Jude” by theBeatles.

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, andwhat can I tell ya?

[Newsweek cover with photo of President George Bushpointing with index finger to Soviet Premier MikhailGorbachev.] Boy, it might have been a short summitconference but, towards the end, these two guys got socozy, right after this photo was taken, Bush had Gorbypullin’ on his finger. …

You know, President Bush has claimed that recentpro-democracy changes in Czechoslovakia are the directresult of influence by his administration. In arelated story, Prague held its first free elections inover thirty years and Czech freedom fighter AlexanderDubcek has been linked to furloughed Massachusettsrapist Willie Horton. …

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle delivering aspeech] An awkward moment during his speech this weekin New York when Vice President Dan Quayle’s faceplate popped off. … [Doctored photo of Quayle withface gone, replaced by robot technology] … and theyhad to resolder a circuit board before the speechcould continue. … [cheers and applause] [Photo of Secretary of State James Baker peepingthrough a hole in the Berlin Wall] Secretary of StateJames Baker was in West Berlin this week and couldn’tresist taking a peek through the Berlin Wall. Here’swhat he saw through the peephole. [Video of twoscantily-clad women boxers slugging it out in a bar]… Afterwards, he went backstage to meet one of theperformers. [Photo of Baker with a black eye, shakinghands with British Prime Minister Margaret “The IronMaiden” Thatcher] … [applause]

Egyptian authorities this week reopened aninvestigation into what really happened last year whena seven hundred pound chunk of the Sphinx plummeted tothe ground. The crumbling Sphinx — could it have beensabotage? To answer that question, the Egyptiangovernment has called in a blue-ribbon panel oferosion experts. [Photos of actress Joan Collins,evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker and one of the Gaborsisters] … [crowd oohs, Dennis cracks up, someapplause]

And, now, just in from the North Pole, is a veryperturbed Mrs. Claus. Hello, Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Hi, Dennis. [Cheers and applausefor bespectacled, white-haired Mrs. Claus who wears ared suit with white fur fringe – She speaks more insorrow than in anger as she waves to the crowd] Hello,everybody. Dennis, thank you so much for letting me dothis. I – I’m sick and tired of my husband ignoringme. And I know he watches the news every night so hemight see this. [pleading, into camera] Santa, I’vetried everything to distract you from making thosestupid toys all year and leaving me alone everyChristmas Eve with the elves. This is my final attemptto get your attention.

[Brief electric guitar intro, then Mrs. Claussings:]

Every year you go away
While I’m turning old and gray
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –

[Mrs. Claus pulls down her top to expose her bareshoulders, pulls off her white wig and tousles herblonde locks.]

I dyed my hair, I lost some weight
I could make ya feel really great
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –

[takes off eyeglasses]

Everybody knows by now
Santa Claus is just not how
Presents end up under the Christmas tree –
Look at me!

[slides over to embrace Dennis]

I’m horny as a bat from hell [kisses Dennis oncheek]I need your love – can’t you tell?

[Instead of singing the line “Santa, please skipChristmas this year,” Mrs. Claus repeatedly smoochesDennis, smearing his face with lipstick – thenbreathlessly climbs up on the WU desk to poseprovocatively, revealing a short, fur-trimmed skirtand black stockings. Dennis tries to straighten hissheaf of news bulletins but she pushes themaway.]

We could drink some eggnog
Lay down by the fire
Think of all those tingly things
Our little red suits – could inspire

[climbs off desk]

Everyone knows you don’t exist
So you could never be missed
Pillows belong on a bed, not under yourshirt

[sits in Dennis’ lap]

Lose that list that you’ve checked twice
[puts her arms around Dennis]I’ll be naughty, I’ll be nice
Put something in my stocking Christmas Eve
We could be rocking

The children will all be okay
[As she leans in toward the camera, her microphoneemits feedback]Maybe we could even– [looks down at her mike,startled]Oh!
Maybe– [glances back at Dennis, turns, winks intocamera]Maybe we could even conceive some of our own today-
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –
[rises for a stop-time climax, shakes her hips]I’ll ring your be-e-ells!
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –
Some milk and cookies!
[drops into Dennis’ lap again]Santa, give it to me!
[quietly]Give it to me –
[big finish]This yeeeeeeeeear!

[Song ends, huge cheers and applause as Mrs. Clausgives Dennis a huge kiss on the lips, rises] Whoo hoo![laughing, she sits in her own chair again and watchesas Dennis fans himself with his sheaf of papers anduses a handkerchief to wipe some of the lipstick offhis face. She yells out:] Never mind, Santa Claus![sidles up to Dennis and lovingly takes hisarm]

Dennis Miller: Well. Thank you, Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: [shyly] Thank you. [exits]

Dennis Miller: Suddenly, I’m sitting here witha candy cane. … [applause, wipes off more lipstick]Wow. Now, is it just me or did she just get feedbackoff her breasts? You know– … [Dennis cracksup]

You know, today marks the birthday of Ludwig vanBeethoven, the noted eighteenth century composer whoinspired the hit song, “Roll Over, Beethoven.”…

And Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriverbecame parents this week for the first time. They hada beautiful baby daughter who was born in a LosAngeles hospital. The attending physician said there’sno mistaking it’s Arnold’s kid. The baby immediatelybegan doing pull-ups on the umbilical cord….

A judge ruled yesterday that reputed mob boss JohnGotti can learn the names of the jurors in hisupcoming assault trial — but not their businesses orhome addresses. Jury foreman John Smith said that heis not worried … but juror Laika Jardel Rapsanicksaid, “Yeah, I’m a little worried but, uh … I’mpretty sure he’s not guilty.”

Last week, the National Capital Planning Commissionapproved a National Park Service proposal to give theWashington Monument grounds one of the most extensiveface lifts in its hundred and five year history. Thefirst step in the plan is to bring in, once again, ablue-ribbon panel of restoration experts. [Photos,once again, of actress Joan Collins, evangelist TammyFaye Bakker and one of the Gabor sisters] … [someapplause]

Tonight will be the last Weekend Update of the AlFranken Decade and here to give his thoughts on the’90s is Al Franken. Welcome, Al!

Al Franken: [cheers and applause forbespectacled Al Franken, in suit and tie] Thank you,Dennis. In December 1979, I sat behind this desk andasked you to think about what you could do for me, AlFranken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] … Well, it’s ten yearslater and I know you’re wondering what the ’90s willbring for me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] AnotherAl Franken Decade? No. No, in the ’90s, I’m going tobe looking beyond myself, Al Franken. [SUPER: ALFRANKEN] Because, frankly, I’m worried about the kindof world we’re leaving to my children. I’ve had twothis decade. A son, Joe. And a daughter– Uh– [can’tremember daughter’s name] … Boy, this isembarrassing. Um– I can see her face. She’s – she’sreally beautiful. In fact, when I look at my kids, Isee me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] … And that’swhy the 1990s will be the Joe Franken Decade. Joe?[Five year old Joe Franken, a tiny boy in a checkedsuit and tie, rolls into view on a chair and joins hisfather – cheers and applause] Hi, Joe.

Joe Franken: Hi, Dad. [SUPER: JOEFRANKEN]

Al Franken: Ah, I under– First of all,congratulations on, uh, first, on being my son. And,uh– … And on my decision to make the 1990s the JoeFranken Decade. Now, I understand you – you have ajoke for us.

Joe Franken: Knock knock.

Al Franken: Who’s there?

Joe Franken: Me.

Al Franken: Me, who?

Joe Franken: Me, Joe Franken. [SUPER: JOEFRANKEN] … [applause]

Al Franken: And, Joe, your watchword for the’90s is?

Joe Franken: [enthusiastic, with pumping offists] YES! …

Al Franken: By the way, Joe will, uh, turnfifteen just before the close of the Joe FrankenDecade. You – you did a good job, Joe.

Joe Franken: Thank you, Daddy.

Al Franken: Ah, and, for those of you who won’tbe, uh, in – be able to be in Times Square on NewYear’s Eve, here’s a little peek at how the JoeFranken Decade will be ushered in.

[Cut to Times Square at night where a lighted ballwith Al’s face drops as a roaring crowd counts down tozero. When it hits bottom, green neon text reading”1989 – GOODBYE AL” switches to “1990 – HELLO JOE -HAPPY JOE FRANKEN DECADE” and Al’s face is replacedwith Joe’s. Fireworks explode, the lighted ballascends, the crowd roars. Extended cheers and applauseas we dissolve back to the WU desk.]

Al Franken: Dennis?

Dennis Miller: [shakes hands with Joe and Al]Thank you, Al. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, buddy. JoeFranken. [Al puts a supportive hand on Joe’s shoulderand kisses him on the head] Thank you, Joe, thank you.I already like him better than the old man. You know–…

[Photo of Mount Rushmore] Ravaged by time and weather,the Mount Rushmore faces are being studied bymineralogists to see if the granite needs resurfacing.And, to aid in the decision, they’ve called in ablue-ribbon panel … of experts for advice. [Photos,one last time, of Joan Collins, Tammy Faye Bakker andthat Gabor sister.]

[Photo of aging ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and co-authorof song “When I’m Sixty-Four” who had played fourconcerts that week at New York’s Madison SquareGarden.] You know, if he keeps this up, we’ll be ableto tell him to his face if we still need him when he’ssixty-four. …

[Image of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” on cover of TV Guide]This week’s– This is this week’s cover of TV Guideand, you know, I find it easier to believe in theconcept of a sixteen year old surgeon than I do tobelieve in a sixteen year old kid who hasn’t asked hisparents to stop calling him “Doogie.” …

The American bald eagle, whose population plummetedtwo decades ago, has made such a dramatic recoverythat federal officials say it will no longer be an”endangered species” but rather a “threatenedspecies.” Trying to figure out why sportsmen are notgoing after the bald eagle as much as they used to, awildlife spokesman said, “The only thing we can figureis that many hunters are put off by the fact that thebald eagles often pull hair from this side of theirskull over to this side of their skull to cover thebald spot.” …

[Photo of actresses Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDanielin “Gone with the Wind”] This week, to celebrate itsfiftieth anniversary, Ted Turner’s Superstationbroadcast the classic “Gone with the Wind.” This time,Turner racially colorized the film [Vivien Leigh turnsblack and Hattie McDaniel turns white] so that thewhite actors became black and the black actors becamewhite, confusing many who were seeing the movie forthe first time. …

[Doctored photo of boxing promoter Don King withtinsel and Christmas ornaments in his towering head ofhair] And Don King had his annual hair trimming partyyesterday. …

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am out o’here! Merry Christmas!

[Cheers, applause and more of “Hey Jude” by theBeatles. Dennis grooves to the music as we pull backand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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