Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 10
Ed O’Neill’s Monologue
Ed O’Neill: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. Now, before I begin.. for those of you who don’t get FOX television in your city, I’m not a contest winner. I’m, uh.. I’m not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off, and.. I’m not Robert De Niro preparing for an upcoming role as a shlup. I’m actually a genuine celebrity. My name is Ed O’Neill, and I’m the star of the television show “Married.. With Children”.[ audience applauds with excitement ]
There’s a special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because over the past year, both this show and “Married.. With Children” have come under attack from certain groups for crossing the boundaries of good taste. Now, we both lost some sponsors, we both had some bad press.. but it’s one year later, and “Saturday Night Live”‘s still here.. and “Married.. With Children”‘s still here.. and we’re both gonna be here for a long time to come![ audience applauds, as Jan Hooks and Dana Carvey appear next to Ed ]
Jan Hooks: Hi. Excuse me.
Ed O’Neill: Hey. What’s up?
Jan Hooks: Yeah, we were watching wth the cast backstage, you know? We heard what you said, and.. well, we would kinda appreciate it if you would please not, you know.. link oour show with yours?
Dana Carvey: Yeah, ’cause, you know, um.. look, to be honest, I gotta be honest with you here, uh.. we find your show, uh.. incredibly offensive.. um.. I mean, it’s just gross, you know what I mean?
Ed O’Neill: Yeah.
Dana Carvey: Yeah, I, uh.. I saw the last episode, and, uh.. it just really made my stomach turn. So, uh.. so, if you, you know, just leave us out of it, that would be good.
Ed O’Neill: Oh! Okay.
Dana Carvey: You mind? Okay. Great!
Jan Hooks: Otherwise, you’re doing great. Good luck. See you later.
Ed O’Neill: Okay.
Dana Carvey: Okay, take care.[ Dan and Jan exit the stage ]
Ed O’Neill: That’s Dan Carvey.. Jan Hooks.[ audience applauds ]
Well, th-there’s another special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because.. for the first time, a performer from the FOX network has been invited to host “Saturday Night Live”. FOX has taken some flak.. and we’ve been the brunt of a lot of jokes.. but I think this shows that FOX has arrived and is gonna be here for a long time![ audience applauds, as Maury Povich appears next to Ed ]
Maury Povich: Hi, Ed!
Ed O’Neill: Hey, Maury Povich! From “A Current Affair”! How’s Connie?
Maury Povich: Connie’s fine! Fine, Ed. But, uh.. uh.. Ed.. uh.. look. If you could possibly downplay your association with FOX.. we’d really appreciate it. Because, frankly, uh.. Ed.. a lot of us at FOX find the show sickening. It’s sophmoric.. it’s crude.. and it’s.. it’s.. just a lot of third-grade bathroom humor. And-and it’s hardly representative of the quality programming at FOX.
Ed O’Neill: [ nodding his head ] Okay. Okay.
Maury Povich: I mean, we’ve got the guys and the reporters, you know, they’re busting their butts..
Ed O’Neill: Yeah, I know.
Maury Povich: Uh.. the kids at “Jump Street”..
Ed O’Neill: Yeah..
Maury Povich: You know. Of course, I mean myself and the staff at “A Current Affair”.. [ turns for menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair” ]
Ed O’Neill: I’m sorry.
Maury Povich: Otherwise.. hey, I think it’s going great!
Ed O’Neill: Thanks. See you later, Maury.
Maury Povich: See you later. [ turns again for a menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair”, then exits stage ] [ audience cheers wildly ]
Ed O’Neill: Okay, well, I guess maybe there’s no significance to me being here, but uh.. Harry Connick, Jr.’s here, and something! Stick around, we’ll be right back!