SNL Transcripts: Ed O’Neill: 01/13/90: I Got What You Need

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

I Got What You Need

Stash…..Ed O’Neill
Stuffy Lady…..Nora Dunn
Tony…..Kevin Nealon
Sick Man…..Jon Lovitz
Young Man…..Mike Myers
Crabby Lady…..Jan Hooks
Old Man…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Stash’s shop, as a Stuffy Lady enters ]

Stash: Can I help you, lady?

Stuffy Lady: [ in a thick, stuffy accent ] Yes, you cahn. The recipe I’m using calls for a foot-long salami. Do you have a foot-long salami?

Stash: Have I got a salami? Oh, I got a salami, lady.. and I do believe it’s twelve inches long! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, smiles ] Maybe bigger!

Stash: That’s what I’m thinking! So, yeah, I got your salami right here! [ points down behind the counter, towards his crotch, then looks up curiously ] Tony, where’s that salami?

Tony: [ looks around ] Oh. It’s hanging right up there, next to the bratwurst.

Stash: Oh! Oh, yeah! [ grabs the salami and wraps it in butcher block paper ] Here you are, lady, here’s a nice salami.. it cost you $5.

Stuffy Lady: Thank you. [ exits shop ]

Tony: [ calls out the door ] I hope it’s the size you need!

[ Sick Man enters the shop ]

Stash: Can I help you, sir?

Sick Man: Well, gee, my throat is so scratchy.. I’ve got this tickle.. Do you have a lozenge or a.. hard candy? I need something to suck on.

Stash: Oh, I got something you can suck on. You can suck on this all day! [ nonchalantly scotts a box of lozenges across the counter ] It’s a 12-hour lozenge, it’s brand new, right off ther market.

Sick Man: Oh, great! Thanks!

Stash: Hey, now don’t fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Sick Man: [ chuckles ] O-kay, I won’t! [ exits shop ] [ Young Man enters shop ]

Young Man: Excuse me, um.. but I was looking for a gift for my grandmother? I’d kinda like it to be a sort of surprise.

Stash: [ grins ] Oh, I got a surprise for Granny! Yeah, something that will make her eyes pop right out! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping ] You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Stash: Yeah. [ begins to adjust the apron around his waist ] Something that she hasn’t had in a long time, but I bet she wants some again? [ reaches along the back shelf ] A beautiful.. heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Young Man: Oh, that’s perfect!

Stash: That’ll be $15.

Young Man: Oh, alright.. [ puts his money on the counter ] There you go. Thanks a lot!

Stash: Yeah – be careful, they’re sticky.

[ Young Man exits shop, as Crabby Lady enters ]

Stash: [ approaches Crabby Lady ] Can I help you, lady?

Crabby Lady: No, I’ll find what I need.

Stash: Well, you know, if I can help-

Crabby Lady: [ annoyed ] Look, what do I look – stupid?

Stash: Listen, lady.. you come in here every day, and every day you’re mean and crabby! Do you know what you need?

Crabby Lady: No.. what?

Stash: I’ll tell you what you need. What you need.. is a good.. long.. hot.. [ a beat ] ..bubble bath. That’s what you need.

Crabby Lady: Well.. do you have one you can recommend.

Stash: Well, to be honest with you, I don’t. Tony? Could you recommend a bubble bath?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, stares blankly ] Uhhhh.. Bubble, uh.. King?

Stash: Uh, no.. don’t listen to him – he’s not right. You’d be better off trying Walgreen’s over across the street.

Crabby Lady: [ more annoyed ] Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for nothing! [ storms out ]

Tony: No pleasing some people, hey, Stach?

Stash: Ohhh, I got something that would please her, right here in my pants!

Tony: [ laughs ] Yeah?

Stash: Yeah. [ reaches in his pocket and pulls out a sample ] It’s a buble bath sample, come in the mail.

Tony: [ laughs ]

Old Man: Exc-cuse me.. excuse me..? Do you sell costumes.. fright wigs.. rubber spiders..? Something really scary?

Stash: Hmm.. yeah, I got something really scary. Yeah, it scared the hell out of my wife, first time I dshowed it to her! She said, “You come near me with that thing, I’m divorcing you.” Yeah, I like to call it my one-eyed monster!

Old Man: Well.. w-well.. can you.. c-can you show it to me?

Stash: You sure you want to see it?

Old Man: Well.. s-s-sure, I am..

Stash: Okay. Come here. [ steps behind the counter, reaching down below the front of his pants ] Come on. Look down here, behind the counter.

[ the old man peers over the counter, as Stash pulls up a cyclops man, screaming to scare the old man who’s also screaming ]

Stash: That’s pretty scary, huh? Yeah, it’s a rubber cyclops mask. See, it’s got the eye right there in the middle!

Old Man: [ laughing ] Th-that’s really awful! I love, it!

Stash: Yeah, $30.

Old Man: You got yourself a deal! [ pays his money ]

Stash: Keep it dry.

Old Man: Thanks! [ marvels at his new mask as he exits the shop ]

Stash: Listen, Tony, I think I’m gonna go home for lunch today.

Tony: [ curious ] Oh, yeah? home for lunch, what’s the occasion?

Stash: Well, you know.. the wife hasn’t seen the Ol’ Johnson for quite a while.

Tony: That’s not good. She’s gotta miss him.

Stash: I know. That’s why I invited him over.

Tony: Good idea. Hey, how old is the Ol’ Johnson now?

Stash: Ah, he’s 83. Yeah, the young Johnson, he’s 65.. so he’s really not that young.

Tony: Pretty soon, they’re both gonna be Ol’ Johnsons, huh!

Stash: [ laughs, exits ] [ fade ]

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