Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 10
Manuel Noriega…..Jon Lovitz
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
[ open on exterior, random prison walls ] [ SUPER: “Somewhere In Florida” ] [ dissolve to interior, prison, Cell 205 ]
Guard: Okay, Mr. Noriega.. you got five minutes.[ Noriega comes out of his cell, and is brought to a sitting area with a glass panel between himself and President George Bush. They each pick up a telephone receiver so they can speak to each other through the glass ]
President George Bush: Uh.. hello, Manuel!
Manuel Noriega: Hello, George!
President George Bush: [ to his bodyguards ] Listen, could you fellas give us a.. couple of minutes here? [ the bodyguards quietly exit the booth ] Thank you! That’s alright! [ turns back to Noriega ] So, how ya’ doing? They treating you well in here?
Manuel Noriega: [ a light sigh ] Better than the Vatican. [ a beat ] So, tell me.. how’s Bar?
President George Bush: Uh.. she’s good, doing good.
Manuel Noriega: Jeb?
President George Bush: Just great, doing great.
Manuel Noriega: Neil?
President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.
Manuel Noriega: His business okay? ‘Cause I knew he had that rough spot there.
President George Bush: [ his voice shaky ] No-o.. he’s fine.. fine.. He fired that.. that partner of his down there. [ laughs ]
Manuel Noriega: Oh, yeah – Charles.
President George Bush: Yeah.. yeah..
Manuel Noriega: Uh.. George, Jr.?
President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.
Manuel Noriega: How’s my little princess?
President George Bush: Oh. Doro? Doing good.. doing good. You know, finally.. finally cut that hair of hers!
Manuel Noriega: Yeah, I know. I.. well, she doesn’t care what I think..
President George Bush: [ cutting to the chase ] Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time, let me get right to the point here, you know? I know I said a lot of nasty things about you, and, well, with sending those troops down there to overthrow you, in that whole canal area. Didn’t wanna do it – but.. had to do it! You know, you.. you kinda forced my hand there..
Manuel Noriega: I know..
President George Bush: ..you kinda brought it on yourself.
Manuel Noriega: I know.. I was reallu out of control, you know? I needed to be reeled in, man! You did me a favor!
President George Bush: Well.. well, that’s all in the past. What we need to be concerned about is the future. [ motions his free hand to illustrate his points ] What, with this trial thing coming up, I think you’ll agree there’s.. there’s no point airing a lot of dirty laundry. Excuse me. [ props the phone between his ear and shoulder, freeing up both hands for a mega-hand gesture ] Wouldn’t be prudent! That’s history.. it’s over! It’s gone! It’s gone!
Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. ohhh.. still, uh.. we had some good times, huh!
President George Bush: [ laughing ] Yeah, we sure did, we sure did!
Manuel Noriega: All those old days! Remember that time at Bill Casey’s brithday party? Man! You were so ‘faced!
President George Bush: You know, I.. I think that’s the most I ever drank in my life! [ laughs ]
Manuel Noriega: Hey, hey! Remember this? [ pulls out his scrapbook ]
President George Bush: [ a little embarrassed ] Oh, boy.. not the scrapbook, Manuel..
Manuel Noriega: Nah, look, look, look! [ points to a page ] There’s you.. there’s me.. there’s Donna Rice!
President George Bush: [ laughs ] That’s, uh.. [ laughs ]
Manuel Noriega: You know, we were some kind of a team, you and me! Boy, with my ideas.. your prudence..
President George Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah..
Manuel Noriega: I tell you.. in our peak, we could have thrown any government in the hemisphere!
President George Bush: Yeah.. well, anyway.. Manny.. gotta go.. got some things to do.. I’m glad we had a chance to talk here. I’m glad to see you.. understand about the.. dirty laundry thing.. and you understand that a deal is completely out of the question.
Manuel Noriega: I know.. I know.. [ chuckles ] You know, though.. the one thing that bothers me about what happened is that.. well.. wouldn’t you know? Sitting there in jail last week, I came up with my best plan yet!
President George Bush: [ trying to stand firm ] Manny.. I’m not interested.
Manuel Noriega: No, no.. of course not..I-I’m not even sure you’d like this plan. [ slyly ] It would involve eliminating Daniel Oretega.
President George Bush: [ laughing uncomfortably ] I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel! [ laughs, looks like he’s about to piss his pants ] It’s not gonna work! Not.. gonna.. work – we’re through! You know, I’m the president now.
Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. Besides, you know, for this.. [ seductively ] ..you would need a min-i-a-ture sub-ma-rine!
President George Bush: [ firm ] Not gonna do it, Maneul! Read my lips: nah.. gah.. dah!
Manuel Noriega: Hey, you’re right, you know? I’ll just destroy this plan. I’d hate to see it flal inot the wrong hands, you know? [ slyly ] ‘Cause it’s a really.. good.. plan!
President George Bush: [ falling into the trap ] Mini.. mini-sub, huh?
Manuel Noriega: [ laughs ] Man, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It was only three pages.. [ moves the plans close to his mouth ]
President George Bush: Now, hold on there, Manuel, now.. tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.[ dissolve to exterior, mini-submarine in the water ] [ SUPER: “Later” ] [ dissolve to interior, Noriega steering the mini-submarine as Bush pedals a generator made from an exercycle ]
President George Bush: I’d better be back in Washington by tonight!
Manuel Noriega: Will you relax, man?! I’ll have you back by dinner! [ looks into the periscope ] Whoa! There he is! Okay! Now, on my signal..
President George Bush: Alright, check! [ Bush holds up a giant fuse-bomb ]
Manuel Noriega: [ lights the bomb in Bush’s hands ] ..you throw out..
President George Bush: This had better work!
Manuel Noriega: It’ll work! On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!
President George Bush: Open the porthole!
Manuel Noriega: You pedal like crazy!
President George Bush: OPEN THE PORTHOLE!![ cut to explosion footage ] [ dissolve back to close-up of Bush still pedaling the exercycle, now covered in smoke and dust ]
President George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-ighhttt!“