SNL Transcripts: Ed O’Neill: 01/13/90: Bush-Noriega


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.


Guard…..Tom Davis
Manuel Noriega…..Jon Lovitz
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, random prison walls ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere In Florida” ] [ dissolve to interior, prison, Cell 205 ]

Guard: Okay, Mr. Noriega.. you got five minutes.

[ Noriega comes out of his cell, and is brought to a sitting area with a glass panel between himself and President George Bush. They each pick up a telephone receiver so they can speak to each other through the glass ]

President George Bush: Uh.. hello, Manuel!

Manuel Noriega: Hello, George!

President George Bush: [ to his bodyguards ] Listen, could you fellas give us a.. couple of minutes here? [ the bodyguards quietly exit the booth ] Thank you! That’s alright! [ turns back to Noriega ] So, how ya’ doing? They treating you well in here?

Manuel Noriega: [ a light sigh ] Better than the Vatican. [ a beat ] So, tell me.. how’s Bar?

President George Bush: Uh.. she’s good, doing good.

Manuel Noriega: Jeb?

President George Bush: Just great, doing great.

Manuel Noriega: Neil?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: His business okay? ‘Cause I knew he had that rough spot there.

President George Bush: [ his voice shaky ] No-o.. he’s fine.. fine.. He fired that.. that partner of his down there. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Oh, yeah – Charles.

President George Bush: Yeah.. yeah..

Manuel Noriega: Uh.. George, Jr.?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: How’s my little princess?

President George Bush: Oh. Doro? Doing good.. doing good. You know, finally.. finally cut that hair of hers!

Manuel Noriega: Yeah, I know. I.. well, she doesn’t care what I think..

President George Bush: [ cutting to the chase ] Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time, let me get right to the point here, you know? I know I said a lot of nasty things about you, and, well, with sending those troops down there to overthrow you, in that whole canal area. Didn’t wanna do it – but.. had to do it! You know, you.. you kinda forced my hand there..

Manuel Noriega: I know..

President George Bush: kinda brought it on yourself.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I was reallu out of control, you know? I needed to be reeled in, man! You did me a favor!

President George Bush: Well.. well, that’s all in the past. What we need to be concerned about is the future. [ motions his free hand to illustrate his points ] What, with this trial thing coming up, I think you’ll agree there’s.. there’s no point airing a lot of dirty laundry. Excuse me. [ props the phone between his ear and shoulder, freeing up both hands for a mega-hand gesture ] Wouldn’t be prudent! That’s history.. it’s over! It’s gone! It’s gone!

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. ohhh.. still, uh.. we had some good times, huh!

President George Bush: [ laughing ] Yeah, we sure did, we sure did!

Manuel Noriega: All those old days! Remember that time at Bill Casey’s brithday party? Man! You were so ‘faced!

President George Bush: You know, I.. I think that’s the most I ever drank in my life! [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Hey, hey! Remember this? [ pulls out his scrapbook ]

President George Bush: [ a little embarrassed ] Oh, boy.. not the scrapbook, Manuel..

Manuel Noriega: Nah, look, look, look! [ points to a page ] There’s you.. there’s me.. there’s Donna Rice!

President George Bush: [ laughs ] That’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: You know, we were some kind of a team, you and me! Boy, with my ideas.. your prudence..

President George Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Manuel Noriega: I tell you.. in our peak, we could have thrown any government in the hemisphere!

President George Bush: Yeah.. well, anyway.. Manny.. gotta go.. got some things to do.. I’m glad we had a chance to talk here. I’m glad to see you.. understand about the.. dirty laundry thing.. and you understand that a deal is completely out of the question.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I know.. [ chuckles ] You know, though.. the one thing that bothers me about what happened is that.. well.. wouldn’t you know? Sitting there in jail last week, I came up with my best plan yet!

President George Bush: [ trying to stand firm ] Manny.. I’m not interested.

Manuel Noriega: No, no.. of course not..I-I’m not even sure you’d like this plan. [ slyly ] It would involve eliminating Daniel Oretega.

President George Bush: [ laughing uncomfortably ] I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel! [ laughs, looks like he’s about to piss his pants ] It’s not gonna work! Not.. gonna.. work – we’re through! You know, I’m the president now.

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. Besides, you know, for this.. [ seductively ] would need a min-i-a-ture sub-ma-rine!

President George Bush: [ firm ] Not gonna do it, Maneul! Read my lips: nah.. gah.. dah!

Manuel Noriega: Hey, you’re right, you know? I’ll just destroy this plan. I’d hate to see it flal inot the wrong hands, you know? [ slyly ] ‘Cause it’s a really.. good.. plan!

President George Bush: [ falling into the trap ] Mini.. mini-sub, huh?

Manuel Noriega: [ laughs ] Man, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It was only three pages.. [ moves the plans close to his mouth ]

President George Bush: Now, hold on there, Manuel, now.. tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.

[ dissolve to exterior, mini-submarine in the water ] [ SUPER: “Later” ] [ dissolve to interior, Noriega steering the mini-submarine as Bush pedals a generator made from an exercycle ]

President George Bush: I’d better be back in Washington by tonight!

Manuel Noriega: Will you relax, man?! I’ll have you back by dinner! [ looks into the periscope ] Whoa! There he is! Okay! Now, on my signal..

President George Bush: Alright, check! [ Bush holds up a giant fuse-bomb ]

Manuel Noriega: [ lights the bomb in Bush’s hands ] throw out..

President George Bush: This had better work!

Manuel Noriega: It’ll work! On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!

President George Bush: Open the porthole!

Manuel Noriega: You pedal like crazy!

President George Bush: OPEN THE PORTHOLE!!

[ cut to explosion footage ] [ dissolve back to close-up of Bush still pedaling the exercycle, now covered in smoke and dust ]

President George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-ighhttt!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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