Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 10
Mr. Hemphill…..Ed O’Neill
Wayne & Garth:
Garth: Al-right! Par-ty! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay. Before we bring out our first guest.. uh, Garth.. what dd you get for Christmas?
Garth: [ excited ] I got a GameBoy.
Wayne: Excellent! What else?
Garth: A Bat-Man poster with Kim Basinger – what a ba-a-a-abe!
Wayne: Shyeah! No guff! [ growls ]
Garth: Oh, yeah – and, uh.. you got me the Nintendo Powr Glove. Thanks, Wayne!
Wayne: Hey, it’s mny pleasure, you’re a bud! Schwing!
Garth: Schwing![ they both growl excitedly ]
Garth: So what did you get, Wayne?
Wayne: Oh, I got, uh.. $50 and a pair of jeans.
Wayne: Shyeah, except the jeabs they got me were flairs.
Garth: Flairs? No way!
Wayne: Way! They’re heinous!
Wayne: Okay! Let’s move on to our new feature, okay? It’s called “Viewer Mail”.
“Viewer Mail!!Viewer Mail!!Party time!!Excellent!!”
Okay! Alright, we get letters, right? And, from time to time, we respond. Right? Uh.. and this letter is from, uh.. Kurt, Jane & austin, from here in Aurora. And he writes: “Dear Wayne: What does Garth think about when Wayne is talking?” Gee.. I really don’t know..[ the camera pans over to Garth, who appears fidgety at the idea of his thoughts being read by Wayne ]
Wayne V/O: “I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I wasn’t such a tool..”
Garth: [ mad at the joke played on him ] Oh, very funny, Wayne! You gimp!
Wayne: Good comeback – sphincter boy! Extreme Close-Up! [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!
Garth: [ the camera zooms in on Garth ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!
Wayne: [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!! [ a beat ] Okay! Alright!
Garth: Ex-cellent! Good Close-Up!
Wayne: Alright, let’s bring out our first guest! You all know him, he’s the Driver’s Ed teacher at Aurora High! Please welcome.. Mr. Hemphill![ Mr. Hemphill ambles down the stairs to the basement, as Wayne plays him in ]
Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mr. Hemphill!
Mr. Hemphill: Thanks, Wayne.
Wayne: Uh.. you know Garth, of course.
Garth: [ nervous and scared ] Hi, Mr. Hemphill..!
Mr. Hemphill: Hello, Garth. How’s the parallel parking coming?
Garth: [ uncomfortable ] Good..! Good..!
Mr. Hemphill: Right to go right; left to go let.
Wayne: You know, Mr. Hemphill – having you on the show is kind of like having a king on the show. So.. welcome, Your Heinous![ Wayne and Garth try to hide their laughter, but are not very subtle about it ]
Mr. Hemphill: [ confused ] Pardon me?
Wayne: [ laughing ] I-I said.. “Welcome.. Your Heinous![ Wayne and Garth laugh out loud ]
Wayne: Okay, sorry..!
Wayne: Mr. Hemphill, in your opinion, what is the most important thing a young guy should know when he’s just starting out driving? What should he know?
Mr. Hemphill: Well.. he should know that.. driving is a privilege, not a right. A car is really just a means of getting from A to B – not a sort of phallic symbol. It’s power under control. In the wrong hands, a car is a lethal weapon capable of horrendous damage. In many ways a car is a.. pulverizing death monster, with a glass and steel persona. [ the anxiety in his tone spirals more and more out of control ] A vicious.. unforgiving beast, whose lust for blood is matched only by its love of carnage! A killing machine, worthy of its nickname.. The Widowmaker!
Wayne: Bonus. Anything else?
Mr. Hemphill: Just this: Don’t believe in turning signals! Just assume that all the other drivers on the road are lying!
Wayne: Okay.. thanks..
Mr. Hemphill: [ still raving out of control ] Geez! The two-faced bastards! Caught up in a web of lies so tangled, they’d rather hand their mothers over to the Gestapo than tell the truth! c A sea of liars so untrustworthy, they should be slaughtered, like so much human cattle!
Wayne: Bonus! Well, it’s nice to know you’re operating the second brake! Okay.. uh.. two days ago, Garth and I got caught bringing a can of pop into the Driver’s Ed classroom.. even though there’s a big, humongoid sign saying you’re not supposed to, right? So to make up to Mr. Hemphill – and, to ensure that he doesn’t kill us in our sleep – we’re gonna do a Publi Service Announcement about drinking and driving. Okay, Mr. Hemphill, you gotta stay here, okay?
Wayne: Uh.. [ chanting ] “Public Service Announcement! Public Service Announcement! Party time! Excellent!” Okay! [ get started ]
“Don’t Drink & Drive”, by Wayne & Garth. Okay![ Wayne and Garth stand behind the couch, Wayne chugging from a prop bottle ]
Wayne: “Oh, wow! Great party! I’m gonna go home now!”
Garth: [ interceding ] “No! Hey, man.. you’re drunk! I’m calling a cab!”
Wayne: [ resisting ] “I’m not drunk! I can drive! I don’t need a cab! Cabs are for sissies!“
Garth: “Shut up! you’re drunk! Shut up, just shut up!“
Wayne: “You shut up! [ climbs on top of the couch, simulating being behind the wheel ] Ka-chunk!” [ starts to “drive” away ] [ from under the couch, Garth holds up a paper tree, which he moves back and forth to simulate the scenery moving behind Wayne ]
Wayne: [ chugging from the prop bottle ] “Hic! Hic! [ speeds further ] Hey, let’s see what this baby is made of!”[ Garth moves the paper tree back and forth faster from unde the couch ]
Wayne: “Oh, no! I’m going out of control! [ Garth scatters the movement of the paper tree ] I’m gonna hit that railway ?? [ uses a harmonica to simulate honking his horn ] Oh, no!” [ crashes, lying flat on the back of the couch ]
Garth: “Ka-boom!!“[ Wayne nods his head, down simulating being passed out on top of the wheel ]Garth: “Oh!!” [ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]
Garth: “Oh!!”[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]
Garth: “Oh!!”[ they simulate an ambulance arriving to attempt Wayne’s rescue ] [ using the harmonica, Wayne simulates his heart rate beeping on the heart monitor ]
Garth: “Scalpel..! Sponge..! Oh no, he’s dying! Everybody clear! Ka-chune! [ ] Oh!!”[ Wayne bounces back to life ]
Garth: “Alright! ] Wayne collapses again ] Ah, he’s dead! He’s dead again!”
Wayne: [ sits up ] “Because of..”
Wayne & Garth: “..drinking and driving!”[ they stand, miming going down in an elevator behind the couch ]
“Love in an elevator..!”
Wayne: “The end!”
Garth: “The end!”[ Wayne and Garth return to Mr. Hemphill ]
Wayne: So, Mr. Hemphill.. what did you think?
Mr. Hemphill: I think it’s a shame.
Wayne: A shame?
Mr. Hemphill: Yes. It’s a shame that the drunk driver didn’t suffer a little before he died!
Wayne: Thank you, Your Heinous! Okay! That’s all the time we have for this week! Until then, party on, Garth!
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: [ singing ]“Wayne’s World!!