Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 11
The Continental…..Christopher Walken
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell. The Continental opens the door quietly and grins ]
The Continental: Ah! [ smirks ] You.. were a minute late. And I thought, perhaps, you were just a dream. [ pulls her gloved hand forward and kisses it ] But, no.. you are real. Please. Enter.[ she cautiously enters the apartment and looks around ]
Broken glass. [ removes cigarette and holder from his mouth ] Champagna? [ she nods ] Please. Be seated. We shall drink from the same glass. Please. [ he sits next to her ] I have but three passions in life. One of which.. is fine champagna.. which leaves two other passions. [ he hands her the champagna and smiles menacingly, so she rejects the offer ] I see you are shy.. which makes you even more intoxicating. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path ] No! Please. Forgive me. Stay.. and allow me to show you that I.. am not like the others. Yes. I know. You have many admirers.. and I am but one.
Cigarette? [ purses his lips, then lights two cigarettes in his mouth at once, and hands her one ] Ah, cigarettes. Delicious.. and dangerous. We know they are no good for us.. but we give in.. for the sensual pleasure of the moment. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path again ] No, no! Don’t go! Pay no attention to the idling ramblings of man afflicted with.. dare I say.. no, I dare not. My little wide-eyed, white-tailed doe. [ extends his hand ] Come.. with me. I want to show you something. [ leads her over to his balcony ] Whoops! Watch that step! Look out there.. the twinkling lights twinkling.. in the inky black of night.. like some colossal backdrop.. painted by the hands of Michelangelo. [ walks down the hal and points to a door ] Would you like to see.. the bedroom?[ she quickly turns around and heads for the door, but he jumps ahead of her in time to block the door ]
No, no, please. Go, if you must go.. but allow me to send for a car.. to take you where you will, or.. to him. [ she lowers her head ] I see that you blush. We will talk of other things. I spoke before of my three great passions. One.. the fine champagna. Another.. the art.. of massage. Yes! I am a fully-trained and licensed masseur. You see my diploma.. from the University of Beijing. I see you are skeptical.. but please.. let me demonstrate for you the powers that can be released by the human hand! Trust me! You needn’t remove your things. You need only lie on your stomach.. here.. on the couch. [ she looks over at it ] Trust me! I am a professional![ she lies down on the couch, as he begins to massage her from off-camera ]
Ohhhh.. your muscles are very tight! Fear.. in your shoulders and neck zone. You are at war with yourself, my dear. You must learn to let go! [ he drops to the floor, looking up ather as she lies on the couch ] How’s that! Doesn’t that feel good! [ he gets up and massages some more ] It extends from the base of the skull.. down the spine, all the way down.. here.. to the tip of the.. [ he reaches her private area, so she quickly rises and runs to open the door ] But.. I haven’t called for your car yet! My little sparrow.. must you fly so soon? [ sighs ] Very well. You have made oyur decision.. and you must go.. but please.. just stand here.. as you are for just a moment. Your hair flowing.. your chest.. heaving. Your eyes ablaze.. about to disappear.. like some..[ too late, she’s already out the door and down the hall ]
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.