Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane
Dr. Fulton
Dr. Fulton…..Quincy Jones
Patient…..Phil Hartman
Patient: (sniff) I’m, I’m sorry. What was I talking about?
Dr. Fulton: Your ex-wife.
[ A piano slowly begins playing 12-bar F-scale blues along with the patient’s words. ]Patient: Oh yeah. You rem– you remember I said my ex-wife called last Sunday, to let me know she’s having an affair?
Dr. Fulton: Yes, I remember.
Patient: Well, she called again this Sunday, to make sure I knew she was having an affair.
Dr. Fulton: How does that make you feel?
Patient: Well God knows I hate the woman, but down inside there’s still a piece of me that cares.
Dr. Fulton: So, how are you dealing with it?
Patient: Well, I didn’t go to work on Monday … I watched TV all day in bed.
Dr. Fulton: Is that the way you always react to her calls?
Patient: Well yes, she calls and tells me she’s happy, and … I usually watch TV all day in bed.
Dr. Fulton: Why does her happiness bother you so much?
Patient: Makes me feel like I have nothing … and no one cares if I’m alive or dead.
Dr. Fulton: What about your relationship with Amy?
[ The piano tune reaches its full 6/8 tempo and becomes louder. ]Patient: Amy’s just like my mother …
[ ba bum ba bum ]Patient: … my first and second wife …
[ ba bum ba bum ]Patient: … I seek out desperate women, I have done it all my life!! It’s because I’m unentitled, like, they won’t love me for myself …
Dr. Fulton: Do you see this as a repeating pattern in your behavior?
Patient: (Shrugging it off) Yes, yes, I perpetuate bad relationships by denying all my needs for someone else.
Dr. Fulton: And why do you think you do that?
Patient: (sits up, starts crying to the tempo as he has an epiphany) Oh God …
Dr. Fulton: Go ahead.
Patient: (to the tempo) … Dear God …
Dr. Fulton: Keep on going.
Patient: (to the tempo, now bawling) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-waaaaohh … (plops back on the couch)
[ The piano continues playing throughout the final verse ]Dr. Fulton: How do you feel?
Patient: I dunno … I know it intellectually, but I can’t learn it emotionally.
Dr. Fulton: Have you tried?
Patient: Yes! No … I don’t know how.
Dr. Fulton: Well, you think about it … and we’ll talk about it … but I’m afraid we’ll have to stop right now.
[ The blues music concludes, as the patient blows his nose. ]Submitted by: G. Gomez
