Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane
House Committee On Dials & Gauges
Ride Operator…..Dana Carvey
Committee Member…..Nora Dunn
Frederick J. Amalgamated…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on carnival, showing the ferris wheel spinning at a normal pace ] [ cut to Ride Operator manning the speed level for the ferris wheel, his hand moving the lever from Safe Speed to Fast Speed ] [ ferris wheel begins to spin a little faster, blended in with a close-up of the Ride Operator’s face expressing a sadistic laugh ] [ Ride Operator’s hand moves the lever from Fast Speed to Dangerous Speed, as the ferris wheel spins out of control and sends passenger’s flying through the air ] [ newspaper spins into foreground over image of ride Operator laughing sadistically, headline reads: “Ferris Wheel Kills Forty” ] [ second newspaper spins into the foreground, with the headline: “Congress To Investigate” ] [ dissolve to exterior shot of the House of Congress ] [ dissolve to exterior of meeting room in interior hallway, emphasis on sign “House Committee On Dials & Gauges” ] [ dissolve to interior, meeting room, where Committee Member sits at the bench in front, opposite Frederick J. Amalgamated at the prosecution table away from the bench ]
Committee Member: This meeting of the House Committee On Dials & Gauges is now in session. Will the first wintess please identify himself?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Frederick J. Amalgamated.
Committee Member: And what do you do?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: I am President of Amalgamated Dials & Gauges.
Committee Member: You manufacture dials and gauges?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: That is correct.
Committee Member: And did your company make this ferris wheel control?[ staffer holds up the control dial seen earlier in the sketch ]
Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ examining the dial carefully from the distance where he sits ] Uh.. yes.. I believe we did.
Committee Member: Now, sir, let me ask you: Why do you have a Dangerous Speed on the control?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ not comprehending the question ] What?
Committee Member: Why is there a level maked “Dangerous”?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. you’re not supposed to use that speed.
Committee Member: Then why is it on the gauge? Why even put it there?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, now that you mention it, I-I-I don’t really know.. uh.. could it beee.. to show you where not to go?
Committee Member: And, for that matter, why would you even have a “Fast” speed on a ferris wheel? I mean, most people do not want to go fast on a ferris wheel, do they?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, again, that would be a speed, more or less, to avoid. Sort of a.. transition speed between “Safe”.. and “Dangerous”.
Committee Member: Which.. which you wouldn’t use, either?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Correct.
Committee Member: So, basically, two of the three speeds on the gauge are either dangerous or undesirable.
Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ confused ] So, wha-what is your point?
Committee Member: [ clearly annoyed ] Can you tell us, is there any sort of a safety device to prevent someone from moving the, uh.. the speed on the ferris wheel lever to a dangerous speed?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: No. But can I say something here? Until we can stop the hiring of insane ferris wheel operators, we’re not gonna solve this problem!
Committee Member: [ solemn ] Thank you.. thank you.. [ staffer steps up holding a gauge from a nuclear submarine ] Sir.. do you.. do you make this gauge for use on our nuclear submarines?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Uh.. yes, I did. That shows depth.
Committee Member: Now, why does it have levels that read “Deep”, “Very Deep”, and “Way, Way Too Deep”, with the words “Submarine Will Explode” in parentheses?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: What do you mean?
Committee Member: We’ve had five nuclear submarines explode in the past year, all because they went too deep, and all equipped with this gauge.
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. this gauge is actually just a meter. It just shows the depth, it doesn’t control it.
Committee Member: But isn’t it true that on at least one occasion, a sailor was able to physically move the indicator to “Way, Way Too Deep”, and the submarine, in fact, went too deep and exploded? [ bangs gavel on her bench ] Now, Mr. Amalgamated.. [ points to thermostat on the wall to her right ] Did you make this.. gauge here, which controls the temperature in this room?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: For the purposes of this sketch.. yes.
Committee Member: Now, why does it have settings that read “Comfortable”, “Too Hot”, and “Will Bake A Person Like A Potato”? Look around you! Look around you, sir! do you see any cannibals in this room? [ Mr. Amalagamated looks around the room in a serious manner, studying the people who are in there with him ] Mr. Amalgamated! Mr. Amalgamated! You can stop looking, that was merely a rhetorical question! [ a beat ] Now, I can either issue you a warning or levy a slight fine. But I’m going to go way, way beyond that.. and order that you be executed in the electric chair![ music sting ] [ dissolve to close-up of electric chair switch, set on “Off”. Hand reaches in and pulls lever downward to “Deadly Voltage”, with the appropriate electrical sound effects heard. Hand then pulls lever downward to “Enough to Power A City”, with more intense electrical sound effects. Hand then moves lever all the way down to “Can Bake A Person Like A Potato”, as the lights begin to flicker with the sound of extreme electrical sound effects. ] [ fade ]