Quincy Jones: 02/10/90: Pumping Up with Hans & Franz


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Pumping Up with Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on “Pumping Up with Hans & Franz” logo over image of a red heart ]

Announcer: And now, a special Valentine’s Day presentation from Hans & Franz.

[ dissolve to Hans & Franz on their set ]

Hans: Good evening. Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.

Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap their hands ] ..you up.

Hans: You know, Valentine’s Day is coming. But just because we are alone tonight, don’t be thinking we are losers.

Franz: Ya! We could very easily come out here with a lovely liebchen on each arm, but what would that prove?

Hans: Ya! It would only provoke a flabulance of jealousy and envy!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. Valentine’s Day is a time for serious reflection.

Hans: Ya. Time to consider the relationship between a man and his most important love.

Together: His muscles!

Hans: Happy Valentine’s Day, muscles!

Franz: This one’s for you.

[ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ]“You’re just too pumped to be true
Not one ounce of flab from you.
You’re just like heaven to touch
I want to hold you so much.”

Hans: [ singing variant of Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You” ]“I just called
To say
I pumped you!
I just called
To say how big you are!”

Franz: [ singing variant of Andy William’s “Theme From Love Story” ]“Where do I begin
You’re to tell a story of the flab that I have seen.”

Hans: [ singing cariant of The Commodores’ “Three Times A Lady” ]“You’re once.. twice..
Three times the size of a normal muscle!”

Franz: [ singing variant of Frank Sinatra’s “Stranger In The Night” ]“Losers in the night
Exchanging flab.
Muscles are not tight
You know, their tone is bad.”

Hans: [ singing variant of Richard Harris’ “MacArthur Park” ]“Someone left his buttocks in the rain
I don’t think they can be tightened
And it makes me very frightened!
‘Cause I’ll never have that pumpitude agaaaaaaiiiinnnnn!
Oh, noooooooo!!
Oh, noooooooo!!”

Together: [ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ]“I love you, muscle!
And, if it’s quite alright..
Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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