Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
Pumping Up with Hans & Franz
[ open on “Pumping Up with Hans & Franz” logo over image of a red heart ]
Announcer: And now, a special Valentine’s Day presentation from Hans & Franz.[ dissolve to Hans & Franz on their set ]
Hans: Good evening. Once again, I am Hans.
Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.
Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap their hands ] ..you up.
Hans: You know, Valentine’s Day is coming. But just because we are alone tonight, don’t be thinking we are losers.
Franz: Ya! We could very easily come out here with a lovely liebchen on each arm, but what would that prove?
Hans: Ya! It would only provoke a flabulance of jealousy and envy!
Franz: Alright. Enough talk. Valentine’s Day is a time for serious reflection.
Hans: Ya. Time to consider the relationship between a man and his most important love.
Together: His muscles!
Hans: Happy Valentine’s Day, muscles!
Franz: This one’s for you.[ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ]“You’re just too pumped to be true
Not one ounce of flab from you.
You’re just like heaven to touch
I want to hold you so much.”
Hans: [ singing variant of Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You” ]“I just called
I pumped you!
I just called
To say how big you are!”
Franz: [ singing variant of Andy William’s “Theme From Love Story” ]“Where do I begin
You’re to tell a story of the flab that I have seen.”
Hans: [ singing cariant of The Commodores’ “Three Times A Lady” ]“You’re once.. twice..
Three times the size of a normal muscle!”
Franz: [ singing variant of Frank Sinatra’s “Stranger In The Night” ]“Losers in the night
Muscles are not tight
You know, their tone is bad.”
Hans: [ singing variant of Richard Harris’ “MacArthur Park” ]“Someone left his buttocks in the rain
I don’t think they can be tightened
And it makes me very frightened!
‘Cause I’ll never have that pumpitude agaaaaaaiiiinnnnn!
Together: [ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ]“I love you, muscle!
And, if it’s quite alright..
“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“”