Quincy Jones: 02/10/90: Sharing The Swimsuit Issue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Sharing The Swimsuit Issue

Tarzan…..Kevin Nealon
Tonto…..Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…..Phil Hartman

[ Tonto sits at kitchen table, as Tarzan enters and pours a cup of coffee ]

Tarzan: Mmm. Good coffee. Change brand?

Tonto: No. Tonto clean pot.

Tarzan: Where Frankenstein?

Tonto: Him at mailbox again.

Tarzan: Frankenstein lurk at mailbox all week.

Tonto: Maybe him expect important letter.

Tarzan: Hmm.

[ Frankenstein meanders into the room, hiding a mystery object behind his back ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein! Any mail for Tarzan!

Frankenstein: Ugh!

Tarzan: Then.. what hide behind back? Show Tarzan!

[ Frankenstein relunctantly reveals the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ]

Tarzan: Ooh-h-h! Swimsuit Issue!

Tonto: Hmm. Tonto get second.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay for subscription, Tarzan look first!

Frankenstein: [ pleading ] Friend! Friend! Friend!

Tarzan: Frankenstein right. Him share first look with two best friends.

Tonto: Put magazine table. That way all can see.

[ Frankenstein raises table up with one hand, clearing the surface for the vantage of viewing the magazine collectively ]

Frankenstein: Ugh! Ugh! Uggggghhhh!!

[ Tonto and Tarzan share the excitement with Frankenstein ]

Tarzan: Jane had body like that once. Before Boy.

Frankenstein: Uggghhhh!!

Tarzan: Hmm. Tarzan buy.. swimsuit for Jane like that.

Tonto: Hmm. How Jane look in suit?

Tarzan: [ woeful ] Jane never wear for Tarzan.

[ Tazan flips through numerous full-page ads, as Frankenstein vividly grunts his disappointment ]

Tonto: Many ads, this issue.

Frankenstein: Ba-a-a-add!

Tarzan: No, Frankenstein! Advertising not bad! Advertising help sell swimsuit issue!

Frankenstein: Ugh!

Tarzan: [ points at magazine ] Look! There four-wheel drive vehicle Tonto want!

[ Frankenstein continues to grunt ]

Tonto: Tonto agree, Frankstein. Get to good part!

[ they all grunt their excitement over the magazine ]

Tonto: This look interesting.

[ Frankenstein gets excited at the pictures ]

Tonto: Mmm. Magazine say this woman six-foot-one. Oh-h-h! Tonto live on her like reservation!

Tarzan: Tarzan not throw her out of tree for eating cracker!

[ Frankstein grabs at a page he likes, and throws himself on top the table over it ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein! Get hold of self!

Tonto: Frankenstein embarrass Tonto! See Tarzan? Him enjoying magazine, not disgrace self.

[ Tarzan pulls Frankstein up on his feet ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein must understand swimsuit issue. Fantasy! Dream! Not real!

Frankenstein: Ugggghhhh!

Tarzan: Yes. See? [ flips through the pages ] Them not real. This woman not look that good real life. Not dressed this way!

Tonto: Tonto read many thousand picture taken. Editor need make-up.. many hour.. Lighting create illusion.. pefrect woman.

Frankenstein: [ growls ]

Tarzan: Beside.. Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein.. just regular guys. Never meet this kind women.

[ Frankenstein crumbles into tears ]

Tonto: But.. does not mean three guys can’t have good time looking.

Frankenstein: Good! Bad!

[ the trio sit back down to leaf through the swimsuit issue, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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