Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
Sharing The Swimsuit Issue
[ Tonto sits at kitchen table, as Tarzan enters and pours a cup of coffee ]
Tarzan: Mmm. Good coffee. Change brand?
Tonto: No. Tonto clean pot.
Tarzan: Where Frankenstein?
Tonto: Him at mailbox again.
Tarzan: Frankenstein lurk at mailbox all week.
Tonto: Maybe him expect important letter.
[ Frankenstein meanders into the room, hiding a mystery object behind his back ]
Tarzan: Frankenstein! Any mail for Tarzan!
Tarzan: Then.. what hide behind back? Show Tarzan!
[ Frankenstein relunctantly reveals the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ]
Tarzan: Ooh-h-h! Swimsuit Issue!
Tonto: Hmm. Tonto get second.
Tarzan: Tarzan pay for subscription, Tarzan look first!
Frankenstein: [ pleading ] Friend! Friend! Friend!
Tarzan: Frankenstein right. Him share first look with two best friends.
Tonto: Put magazine table. That way all can see.
[ Frankenstein raises table up with one hand, clearing the surface for the vantage of viewing the magazine collectively ]
Frankenstein: Ugh! Ugh! Uggggghhhh!!
[ Tonto and Tarzan share the excitement with Frankenstein ]
Tarzan: Jane had body like that once. Before Boy.
Tarzan: Hmm. Tarzan buy.. swimsuit for Jane like that.
Tonto: Hmm. How Jane look in suit?
Tarzan: [ woeful ] Jane never wear for Tarzan.
[ Tazan flips through numerous full-page ads, as Frankenstein vividly grunts his disappointment ]
Tonto: Many ads, this issue.
Tarzan: No, Frankenstein! Advertising not bad! Advertising help sell swimsuit issue!
Tarzan: [ points at magazine ] Look! There four-wheel drive vehicle Tonto want!
[ Frankenstein continues to grunt ]
Tonto: Tonto agree, Frankstein. Get to good part!
[ they all grunt their excitement over the magazine ]
Tonto: This look interesting.
[ Frankenstein gets excited at the pictures ]
Tonto: Mmm. Magazine say this woman six-foot-one. Oh-h-h! Tonto live on her like reservation!
Tarzan: Tarzan not throw her out of tree for eating cracker!
[ Frankstein grabs at a page he likes, and throws himself on top the table over it ]
Tarzan: Frankenstein! Get hold of self!
Tonto: Frankenstein embarrass Tonto! See Tarzan? Him enjoying magazine, not disgrace self.
[ Tarzan pulls Frankstein up on his feet ]
Tarzan: Frankenstein must understand swimsuit issue. Fantasy! Dream! Not real!
Tarzan: Yes. See? [ flips through the pages ] Them not real. This woman not look that good real life. Not dressed this way!
Tonto: Tonto read many thousand picture taken. Editor need make-up.. many hour.. Lighting create illusion.. pefrect woman.
Frankenstein: [ growls ]
Tarzan: Beside.. Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein.. just regular guys. Never meet this kind women.
[ Frankenstein crumbles into tears ]
Tonto: But.. does not mean three guys can’t have good time looking.
Frankenstein: Good! Bad!
[ the trio sit back down to leaf through the swimsuit issue, as the scene fades ]