Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Music Intro: “Oh! You Pretty Things”, David Bowie.
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?
Nelson Mandela will be released tomorrow, from a South African camp. This photo of Mandela, taken nearly three decades ago, is the world’s last image of the anti-Aprtheid leader. To ease the shock of seeing what 27 years in a South African prison can do to a man, Pictoria released this picture today: [ old image of Nelson Mandela cuts to a fresh photo of Dick Clark ]
Dennis Miller: Brutal. Okay, um.. alright. [ looking at camera, but points back to the green screen for his next joke ] Um.. no, no. That’s not the right joke, we’re gonna do this joke. [ image of Andy Rooney appears ] Thank you, guys. Uh.. [ in his best Andy Rooney voice ] “Did’ja ever put your foot in your mouth?”
Andy Rooney denied he was a racist, and pointed to his earlier work in TV, including the popular “Amos ‘N Andy Rooney Show”.
Hundreds of thousands of Russians marched in Moscow this week, as loudspeakers blarewd the new Soviet national anthem:
Song:: Theeee.. party’sssss.. overrrrrr.. It’s time to call it a dayyyyy…”
Due to the unstable nature of the Communist ideology, the Russians this week made a minor change in their official symbol. [ hammer and sickle stand upright in the shape of a question mark ]
And.. according to the Washington Post, the United States has finally regained its international leadership. As of this week, we’re the only country in the world with a Communist party.
Dennis Miller: John Gotti, reputedly the nation’s top Mafia boss, has scored his third court victory in four years yesterday. A New York Supreme Court jury found Gotti not guilty of assault and conspiracy charges. Don Pardo, tell ’em what the jury has won!
Don Pardo: [ over picture of luggage ] Dennis, the Gotti jury will get a complete set of matching Samsonite luggage! Preferred by smart juries everywhere, just in time for their world cruise!
Dennis Miller: Love-ly!
Don Pardo: [ over picure of cruise ship ] Yes, Dennis! Thanks to Mario Perillo, they’ll sail away on a Perillo luxury cruise liner! Dressed in a complete travel wardrobe of fasion from the House of Gambino. Foremost in traveling clothes!
Dennis Miller: And where are they going, Don?
Don Pardo: [ oer picture of Rome ] Dennis, they’ll sail to exotic Rome, Italy! Where they’ll bask in luxury accomodations, having the time of their lives!
Dennis Miller: How long will they be gone, Don?
Don Pardo: Until the next tri-ial, Dennis!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Don Pardo![ Dennis pulls out a paperweight haped like a hand with a knife stuck through it ]
Jurors will also receive this commemorative Luca Brasi paperweight.. to, uh.. constantly remind them of what a wise decision they made.
You know, I just wanted to tell you, because Quincy’s here this week, and I did a little research. I looked in to see what my rap name is, and.. uh.. oddly enough, my rap name is also Dennis Miller.
You know.. while visiting Panama last week, Vice-President Quayle was given an up-close and personal demonstration of jungle warfare that proves properly-camoflauged soldiers can easily blend in with deadwood.
And, President Bush joked this week with Topp’s baseball card company president Arthur Shorin, after receiving a book of baseball cards and bubble gum at a meeting in the Oval Office. Shorin said, after the past eight years, it was nice to give bubble gum to a president and know that it wouldn’t interfere with his walking.
And President Bush, this week, defended his decision to attend a February 15th drug summit in Colombia, and said he would not do anything stupid or macho. Bush also appointed Mayor Mario Barry to chair a committee to see if there are more drugs in Colombia.. or the District of Columbia.
President Bush, this week, took time to pose knowingly with three devices that he has absolutely no clue about.
And, according to biological experts in Brownville, Texas, killer bees are now 150 miles from the Texas border and heading north. The bigconcern in Texas is that the bees will take jobs from Americans.
One final note in the Superbowl: While nobody watched the second half and wouldn’t have been aware of this fact, the game was so lop-sided that 49er quarterback Joe Montana agreed to play the second half on one leg.
Dennis Miller: Nice to see he’s growing the moustache back.
You know, it was annouced this week by ABC’s TV program chief that the new half-hour Elvis Presley sitcom has ballooned to a one-hour show.
And a warrant is out today for Eddie Antar, the founder of the Crazy Eddie chain, for illegally taking $52 million of the company’s money Naturally, Eddie’s lawyers say they’ll plead insanity.
And.. one of last month’s Avianca crash victims was found to have swallowed several cocaine-filled condoms. However, smugglnig has been ruled out, as that was the in-flight meal on Avianca Flight 52.
Dennis Miller: “Stewardess? I’ll have the ribbed!”
And.. Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue came out this week, and included candid shots of Wayne Gretzky, Joe Montana, and Magic Johnson.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am out of here!
Music Out: “Oh! You Pretty Things”, David Bowie.