Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane
The Bob Waltman Special
Bob Waltman…..Kevin Nealon
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Marion Barry…..Quincy Jones
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: This Tuesday at nine, it’s “The Bob Waltman Special”. A rare look into the private world of some of the country’s biggest celebrities.
[ dissolve to file photo of Leona Helmesley accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Billionairess Leona Helmesley. The self-annointed queen of the Helmesley hotel empire. She lived a life of opulence.. but, now, she faces charges of tax fraud that could put her behind bars for four years.
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Leona Helmesley ]
Bob Waltman: You.. you’ve been called everything from the.. Wicked Witch of the West, to.. Tough Bitch. How does that make you feel.
Leona Helmseley: [ sternly ] I’m an executive. I’m a woman. I’m tough. So they call me a bitch.
Bob Waltman: Even with a new appeal, the likelihood of spending several years in a small prison cell, away from your lvoed ones.. that’s gotta hurt.
Leona Helmseley: It hurts. It, uh.. it’s unfair. [ brief sniff ]
Bob Waltman: No longer able to enjoy the luxuries that you worked so hard for, and deserve.
Leona Helmseley: It’s unfair, you know? It’s, uh.. [ another sniff ] Oh, come on here, wait a minute, you’re not gonna make me cry! I know that happens to a lot of your guests, but, uh.. after all, I do have to live up to my reputation. [ sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: Oh, no, no.. that’s all right. Everyone’s allowed to have emotions. Especially victims. Now.. as a child, you were abandoned by your parents?
Leona Helmseley: [ extended pause ] Yes. [ sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: And I understand that recently, you had to fly.. coach?
Leona Helmseley: [ breaks down into tears ]
Bob Waltman: And now they’re taking it all away from you. How does that make you feel?
[ Leona collapses into herself, unable to stop the flow of tears ]
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: “The Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.
[ dissolve to file photo of Marion Barry accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Marion Barry. He was a talented politician who had risen to national prominence. Then, suddenly, his political career – like the crack he purchased from the FBI – went up in smoke. He’s determnied to tough it out. But is he tough enough?
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Marion Barry ]
Bob Waltman: You were mayor of the nation’s capitol.. an inspiration for so many.. and, then.. the arrest.. the humiliation.
Marion Barry: Ve-ry unfortunate. But that’s behind me now, and I’m looking forward to clearing up my name and getting re-elected.
Bob Waltman: Yet, because of the harrassment and.. entrapment.. everything you’ve worked for is gone. Your career.. your family.. your reputation – all gone. And you can never get that back.
Marion Barry: [ with regret ] Yeah.. I-I guess, uh.. sometimes things just ha-happen. Uh.. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to- [ tries to hold back his tears ]
Bob Waltman: No, no, no,no.. that’s all right. There’s no, uh.. there’s no reason to be ashamed for showing our feelings. It’s okay. [ continues the interview ] Your future looks bleak.. your personal problems are mounting.. ever ask yourself “Why?”
Marion Barry: [ sniffs several times, then holds his hand to his nose for a giant snort ] Well, I-I-I, uh.. I-I think the biggest tragedy is that I let my family down.. [ sniffs, sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: Where do you see Marion Barry in three years?
Marion Barry: [ crying ] I-I don’t know-ow..
Bob Waltman: A broken man?
[ Marion Barry sniffs his way into more deep tears ]
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: Bob Waltman. Opening doors and touching hearts. No one gets closer.
[ dissolve to file photo of Tammy Faye Bakker accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Tammy Faye Bakker. PTL survivor, supporter and wife of Jim Bakker.
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Tammy Faye Bakker ]
Bob Waltman: Tammy, you–
[ mascara already running, Tammy immediately breaks down into a heap of tears ]
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: Bob Waltman. No one gets closer.
[ dissolve to file photo of Ronald Reagan ccompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Ronald Reagan. Sportcaster-turned movie star-turned fortieth President of the United States-turned private citizen. Certainly a proud and illustrous career. He has everything in the world to be happy about. But is he?
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Ronald Reagan ]
Bob Waltman: Mr. President. Did you hear about the little girl who lost her parents in that plane crash?
Ronald Reagan: [ appearing lost ] Well.. no, I didn’t. Nancy and I have been busy setting up camp in Los Angeles. She has a book out, you know?
Bob Waltman: Hmm. What about the fathers, that were left behind on the Titanic? Kissing their children goodbye for the last time?
Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’ve often though how those men were.. heroes. And, luckily, they.. build boats better now.
Bob Waltman: Any regrets in your life, Mr. President?
Ronald Reagan: No, I’m very happy, no complaints.
Bob Waltman: What if anything ever happened to Nancy? you-you ever think about that?
Ronald Reagan: [ thinking ] Well.. no. Nancy’s got her ,i>book, you know? I.. I worked with Errol Flynn in the pictures. now, that’s when Hollywood was magic!
Bob Waltman: Whast if you go first.. and Nancy is left alone?
Ronald Reagan: Well.. [ rubbing his eyes as a strange mist floats through the air ] Now.. Nancy stays.. pretty busy thiese days.. dinner parties for her book tour..
Bob Waltman: Mmm-hmm. Knowing it will never be the way it was.
[ camera cuts to long-shot to reveal Bob wearing a face mask as he holds a canister of tear gas (clearly labeled) beneath Reagan’s body ]
Ronald Reagan: Well, I.. I, uh.. I, uh.. [ changes thought ] Pat O’Brien! [ rubs his eyes ] Oh, boy..
Bob Waltman: It’s okay, we all have feelings.
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile underneath his protective face mask to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: The “Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.
[ fade ]
