Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 12
The Bob Waltman Special
Bob Waltman…..Kevin Nealon
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Marion Barry…..Quincy Jones
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: This Tuesday at nine, it’s “The Bob Waltman Special”. A rare look into the private world of some of the country’s biggest celebrities.[ dissolve to file photo of Leona Helmesley accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Billionairess Leona Helmesley. The self-annointed queen of the Helmesley hotel empire. She lived a life of opulence.. but, now, she faces charges of tax fraud that could put her behind bars for four years.[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Leona Helmesley ]
Bob Waltman: You.. you’ve been called everything from the.. Wicked Witch of the West, to.. Tough Bitch. How does that make you feel.
Leona Helmseley: [ sternly ] I’m an executive. I’m a woman. I’m tough. So they call me a bitch.
Bob Waltman: Even with a new appeal, the likelihood of spending several years in a small prison cell, away from your lvoed ones.. that’s gotta hurt.
Leona Helmseley: It hurts. It, uh.. it’s unfair. [ brief sniff ]
Bob Waltman: No longer able to enjoy the luxuries that you worked so hard for, and deserve.
Leona Helmseley: It’s unfair, you know? It’s, uh.. [ another sniff ] Oh, come on here, wait a minute, you’re not gonna make me cry! I know that happens to a lot of your guests, but, uh.. after all, I do have to live up to my reputation. [ sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: Oh, no, no.. that’s all right. Everyone’s allowed to have emotions. Especially victims. Now.. as a child, you were abandoned by your parents?
Leona Helmseley: [ extended pause ] Yes. [ sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: And I understand that recently, you had to fly.. coach?
Leona Helmseley: [ breaks down into tears ]
Bob Waltman: And now they’re taking it all away from you. How does that make you feel?
Announcer: “The Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.[ dissolve to file photo of Marion Barry accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Marion Barry. He was a talented politician who had risen to national prominence. Then, suddenly, his political career – like the crack he purchased from the FBI – went up in smoke. He’s determnied to tough it out. But is he tough enough?[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Marion Barry ]
Bob Waltman: You were mayor of the nation’s capitol.. an inspiration for so many.. and, then.. the arrest.. the humiliation.
Marion Barry: Ve-ry unfortunate. But that’s behind me now, and I’m looking forward to clearing up my name and getting re-elected.
Bob Waltman: Yet, because of the harrassment and.. entrapment.. everything you’ve worked for is gone. Your career.. your family.. your reputation – all gone. And you can never get that back.
Marion Barry: [ with regret ] Yeah.. I-I guess, uh.. sometimes things just ha-happen. Uh.. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to- [ tries to hold back his tears ]
Bob Waltman: No, no, no,no.. that’s all right. There’s no, uh.. there’s no reason to be ashamed for showing our feelings. It’s okay. [ continues the interview ] Your future looks bleak.. your personal problems are mounting.. ever ask yourself “Why?”
Marion Barry: [ sniffs several times, then holds his hand to his nose for a giant snort ] Well, I-I-I, uh.. I-I think the biggest tragedy is that I let my family down.. [ sniffs, sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: Where do you see Marion Barry in three years?
Marion Barry: [ crying ] I-I don’t know-ow..
Bob Waltman: A broken man?[ Marion Barry sniffs his way into more deep tears ] [ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ] [ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: Bob Waltman. Opening doors and touching hearts. No one gets closer.[ dissolve to file photo of Tammy Faye Bakker accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Tammy Faye Bakker. PTL survivor, supporter and wife of Jim Bakker.
Bob Waltman: Tammy, you–[ mascara already running, Tammy immediately breaks down into a heap of tears ] [ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ] [ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: Bob Waltman. No one gets closer.[ dissolve to file photo of Ronald Reagan ccompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Ronald Reagan. Sportcaster-turned movie star-turned fortieth President of the United States-turned private citizen. Certainly a proud and illustrous career. He has everything in the world to be happy about. But is he?[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Ronald Reagan ]
Bob Waltman: Mr. President. Did you hear about the little girl who lost her parents in that plane crash?
Ronald Reagan: [ appearing lost ] Well.. no, I didn’t. Nancy and I have been busy setting up camp in Los Angeles. She has a book out, you know?
Bob Waltman: Hmm. What about the fathers, that were left behind on the Titanic? Kissing their children goodbye for the last time?
Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’ve often though how those men were.. heroes. And, luckily, they.. build boats better now.
Bob Waltman: Any regrets in your life, Mr. President?
Ronald Reagan: No, I’m very happy, no complaints.
Bob Waltman: What if anything ever happened to Nancy? you-you ever think about that?
Ronald Reagan: [ thinking ] Well.. no. Nancy’s got her ,i>book, you know? I.. I worked with Errol Flynn in the pictures. now, that’s when Hollywood was magic!
Bob Waltman: Whast if you go first.. and Nancy is left alone?
Ronald Reagan: Well.. [ rubbing his eyes as a strange mist floats through the air ] Now.. Nancy stays.. pretty busy thiese days.. dinner parties for her book tour..
Bob Waltman: Mmm-hmm. Knowing it will never be the way it was.[ camera cuts to long-shot to reveal Bob wearing a face mask as he holds a canister of tear gas (clearly labeled) beneath Reagan’s body ]
Ronald Reagan: Well, I.. I, uh.. I, uh.. [ changes thought ] Pat O’Brien! [ rubs his eyes ] Oh, boy..
Bob Waltman: It’s okay, we all have feelings.[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile underneath his protective face mask to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ] [ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: The “Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.[ fade ]