Tom Hanks’ Monologue
Abraham Lincoln…..Bob Odenkirk
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tom Hanks!
Tom Hanks: [ limping ] I can’t believe this.. I’m hosting this show now for the fourth time, and just now I banged my knee on this thing backstage.. and it’s killing me, but I’ll be alright..
Dave Wilson: [ on overhead loudspeaker ] Tom? Are you okay?
Tom Hanks: Yes, Davy.. yes.. I’ll be fine. It’s swollen up a little bit.. but it’s gonna be alright. I’ll be fine.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Thoughts: Oh, God, it hurts! It hurt somuch! Why does it have to hurt this much?!
Dave Wilson: We can get somebody to look at it..
Tom Hanks: No! No! It’s alright! Stop making a fuss!
Tom Hanks’ Inner Thoughts: Dear, God.. I know you have been good to me.. “Splash, “Big”, “Turner & Hooch” – now out on cassette – but, please, grant me this one last request. Please make this pain stop! Please.. make.. this.. pain.. sto-o-p!
[ Tom collapses to the floor ]
Dave Wilson: [ in control room ] Oh, my God.. I think he’s dead.. [ the other Control Room operators put their fists in the mouthes ]
[ Tom’s Inner Self arises from his dead body ]
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: Wow! I’m glad that’s over! Ahh.. I feel great! In fact, I feel wonderful! I’ve never felt so wonderful, so free, so light! All the pain is gone! [ he floats through the set [ Am I really light as air? Free of trouble, free of care? No more more worry, no more burden. All because my leg stopped hurtin’! [ floats over to his dead body ] Oh! Look at that poor man.. I wonder who he is? He looks so sad lying there.. But, still.. I feel wonderful! And I must tell the others! I must share my happiness with them! [ runs into the Control Room, where everyone is near tears ] Hello, everybody! Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Isn’t it wonderful! Isn’t it glorious! [ runs into the hall, where everyone is moving in slow motion ] What is going on? Why is everybody so agitated? What are these vibrations I’m feeling? Is something wrong? [ notices Victoria Jackson cryingin Phil Hartman’s arms ] Victoria, why are you crying? There’s nothing to be sad about. Everything is wonderful! Phil. Phil! Tell her everything is wonderful! Don’t you understand? Why don’t you answer me? You’re acting like you can’t even hear me!
Abraham Lincoln: [ offstage ] They can’t hear you, Tom.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: [ looking around ] What? What? Who said that? [ runs into the hall and finds Abraham Lincoln ] Mr. President, it’s you ! Tell me.. what’s happening? Why can’t I make them understand?
Abraham Lincoln: Because they exist on a different plane from us, Tom.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: You mean.. all that pain.. what happenedbackstage.. that I bumped my knee? I’m.. dead?
Abraham Lincoln: No, Tom. You’re an incredible pussy.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: I’m frightened, Mr. President.. I don’t like this place. I want to go back!
Abraham Lincoln: Then you must cling to life, Tom. You must want to live.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: Oh, but I do! I do, Mr. President. I want to live!
[ Tom spins through a spiral, then slowly wakes up where his body collapsed ]
Tom Hanks: Wow..! [ relieved ] Aw.. have we got a great show for you tonight! Aerosmith is here.. and we’ll be right back!