Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 13
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Mr. Short-Term Memory
Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks
Bill…..Phil Hartman
Nurse…..Victoria Jackson
Jingle:
“Mr. Short-Term Memory.
He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree.
Now there’s just no remedy.
He’ll frustrate you so
But he’ll never know.
Because he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Hospital”.
[ segue into Mr. Short-Term Memory entering his friend Bill’s hospital room with some flowers ]Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. Hey, Bill, I, I came as soon as I heard about your leg.
Bill: Thank you, Jeff, I really appreciate that.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Appreciate what?
Bill: Well, that you came as soon as you heard.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Heard what? I don’t like the tone of your voice.
Bill: Well, that I broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no, Bill, that’s terrible! How did that happen?
Bill: Okay, get this. You know, we got all this snow last night.. so, I got the ladder out this morning and I was up on the roof sweeping the snow off with a broom. The ladder slipped on some ice and.. bam! I went down, broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What? Oh, no! You broke your leg! Bill, that’s terrible! How did it happen?
Bill: I was on the roof getting snow off with a broom, and I fell.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, my God! We’ve got to get you to a hospital!
Bill: Jeff, we’re in a hospital.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, then, we’ve got to get you a nurse. Nurse! Hello! Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse: [ rushes in ] What’s the matter?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What’s the matter? We’ve just got a man with a broken leg here.
Nurse: [ confused ] I was just here. What do you want me to do for him?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Do for who?
Nurse: [ pause ] I’ll come back later.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ turns to Bill ] So, Bill, it’s 2:00! What the hell are you still doing in bed?
Bill: I, uh.. broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no! That’s awful!
Bill: Yeah, it is.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: How did it happen?
Bill: I fell.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: That’s it? That’s it? You fell? Come on, there’s gotta be more to it than that.
Bill: Okay. I was up on the roof and I was cleaning snow off when the ladder slipped and..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Wait, wait, wait, look, look, pal. I’ve got my troubles, too. I don’t go telling them to every stranger I meet.
Bill: Jeff, it’s me. Bill.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, Bill! Oh, no! This is terrible! Could we get a nurse for this person? Nurse! Hello! Nurse!
Nurse: [ rushes back in ] What’s the matter?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What’s the matter? Hello there. I thought you might like to meet your patient. Nurse, patient. Patient, nurse. Now that I’ve broken the ice, maybe you two won’t be such strangers.
Nurse: [ angry ] Look, sir, I’m really busy, and I’d appreciate it if you would quit calling me.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, I would appreciate it if you didn’t keep interrupting us!
Bill: Well, Jeff, thanks for visiting me, your friend Bill, in the hospital because of my broken leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Huh? Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem. [ looks at flowers ] Hey, Bill, these are, these are really beautiful flowers. I guess I should’ve brought you something.
Bill: Jeff, didn’t you bring me those flowers?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I.. yeah. [ grabs tag from flowers and rips it up nonchalantly ] Yeah, yeah, I sure did. I brought you those flowers, Bill. I sure did. That was me.
Bill: Hey, Jeff, could you do me a favor? Pull that screen around. I, I need to use my bedpan.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. [ pulls screen around Bill’s bed ]
Bill: Ah, thanks. I appreciate this, Jeff.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill? Bill, is that you that just called me? Bill? [ peeks behind screen ] Oh, my God, Bill! You lazy slob! Get up and use the bathroom!
Bill: I can’t! I broke my leg!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no! This is terrible! My buddy broke his leg! Don’t you worry. I’m going to get you some help. 911. [ dials phone ] Hello, hello, hello. This is an emergency. My friend’s hurt and I’ve got to get him to a hospital. What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What? Why are you telling me this? Then why did you call me? I didn’t. I didn’t call.. [ hangs up phone ] some crank. So, Bill. Hey, it is 2:30! Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
Bill: Keep it down, Jeff. You’re in a hospital.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ frightened ] I’m in a hospital? Oh, no. Wh-what’s wrong with me?
Bill: There’s nothing wrong with you.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, don’t patronize me! I have a right to know! Why is everyone walking on eggshells? Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse: [ stomps into the room ] Look, you have done nothing but bother me, and all I have to say..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: You just give it to me straight. Am I dying?
Nurse: Of course you’re not dying.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I can take it. I can take it. I’m not? Oh, happy day! Happy day! I’m not gonna die. Do you hear that, world? I’m not gonna die! I’m gonna live! I’m gonna live. And I’m gonna make every second count.
[ Nurse looks at Bill ]Bill: I’m sorry. He was hit by a pear.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill? Bill Tucker? [ returns to room ] Bill. I came as soon as I heard about your leg.
Jingle:
“He’ll win you yet
And then he’ll forget
That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
