Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 13
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Trump Prenuptial Agreements
Donald Trump…..Phil Hartman
Ivana Trump…..Jan Hooks
Voice on Intercom…..Victoria Jackson
Donald: Hello, Ivana. You know, I’m surprised to see you. I didn’t think we had anything to talk about.
Ivana: [ laughing ] I think we do, Donald. You see, I have no intention.. of settling for $25 million.
Donald: Well, darling, I’m afraid you’ll have to. You did sign a prenuptial agreement. [ Donald drops a very large book onto his table ]Ivana: A contract doesn’t worry me. I’ll fight it!
Donald: Well, you’re welcome to try, but Section 1 clearly states, and I quote: “In the event of a divorce, the Party of the Second Part, Mrs. Ivana Trump, will receive $25 million. Under no circumstances, and at no time, and in no country, may she request more.” Now, this is your signature and thumbprint, isn’t it?
Ivana: Well, yes, of course, you know it is. But that contract isn’t valid. You have a mistress, Donald!
Donald: Okaay.. I must remind you, Ivana.. [ leafing through contract ] ..that according to Section 5, Paragraph 2, I’m allowed to have mistresses, provided they are younger than you.
Ivana: Donald, do you actually think that I am going to take this lying down?! [ laughing nervously ]
Donald: Well.. [ leafing through contract ] ..in Section 5, you did agree to, “Take this lying down,” and “Let me walk all over you,” and then, where is it.. oh, yeah.. “Thank me, and ask for more.”
Ivana: Okay, Donald. Okay, you win. I’ll take the $25 million. But you had better believe that I am going to get EVERY CENT!
Donald: Yes. As long as you are aware that you will be paid in the giant stone coins of the Yapp Islanders.
Ivana: [ furious ] It can’t say that! It CAN’T say that!
Donald: [ showing her ] Right there. I got it from Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.
Ivana: Okay, Donald, but you just wait until I write my book, ha ha!
Donald: I should tell you that all the sordid details of this divorce are my property, and will be incorporated into my board game.
Ivana: [ crying ] Oh, Donald..
Donald: You know, Ivana, in a way, I’m disappointed. I mean, I really thought beating you would be much more of a challenge, it was.. so easy. [ Ivana cries harder ] I mean, do you realize how badly you’ve been beaten? You were easier than Merv! I mean, think of it: here you are, the mother of my children, a partner in my business, and you’re getting so little! Look, Ivana, let’s make this interesting. I’ll give you a double or nothing proposition, you’ve got two seconds.
Ivana: [ quickly agreeing ] Okay, okay..
Donald: [ placing cards on the table ] Find the red queen. [ singing ] Find the red queen. You know what I mean. There she is, now where’d she go? Keep your eye on the lady, and then you’ll know. It’s a red queen, you know what I mean. Find the lady, and you’ll get the green..
Ivana: [ deciding ] Okay.. that one, that one!
Donald: [ picks up card, reveals a jack of spades ] Oh, too bad, you lose! Nothing for you.
Voice on Intercom: [ buzzing in ] Mr. Trump, you wanted me to remind you about the “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Donald: Oh, yeah. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!
