Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 13
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Wayne’s World
Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Mrs. Campbell…..Nora Dunn
Barry the Roadie…..Tom Hanks
…..Aerosmith
Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host -Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday night, I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! [ Wayne’s mom walks past with a basket of dirty clothes ] Hey, Mom! Mom, I’m doing a show, okay?
Mrs. Campbell: Sorry, Wayne. Just doing a load of whites. On with the show. Hi, Garth. Wayne, I honestly don’t understand how you manage to get everything you eat on the front of your t-shirts.
Wayne: Uh, Mom.. this is fascinating for everyone, alright? Myself, I’m enthralled. Could you go, please?
Mrs. Campbell: Alright, I get it, I get it.. I’m good enough to do your laundry, but not good enough to be on.. [ chanting ] “Wayne’s World!” “Wayne’s World!” [ returns upstairs ]
Wayne: Good call, Mom! I think you have a firm grasp of ourrelationship. Sorry about that. Okay.. before we begin, let me start off by saying that we have a very special “Wayne’s World” this week, okay? Garth’s cousin Barry is a roadie for Aerosmith, okay? And, guess what? They’re gonna be on the show!
Garth: [ excited ] Oh! Oh! I can’t believe they’re actually gonna be here! Oh! Oh!!
Wayne: Come on, Garth, don’t go squirrelly on me. I’m counting on you, man!
Garth: Okay, man.
Wayne: Okay, the only thing is, though, that I had to promise to put Barry on as a guest, alright? So, here he is. Garth’s cousin, who’s a roadie for Aerosmith – Barry!
[ as Barry walks downstairs, Wayne and Garth jam it up for his introduction ]
Wayne & Garth: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Barry.
Barry: [ stepping over the sofa to sit down ] Hi, Wayne.
Wayne: Hi. Uh.. you know Garth, of course.
Barry: Hi, Garth.
Garth: Hi, Barry!
Wayne: Okay, first of all, good work on getting Aerosmith on theshow, man.
Barry: Well, I told ’em that going on “Wayne’s World” was good for promoting the upcoming gig at the Aurora Civic Center, and they went for it.
Wayne: Okay! Now, uh.. Aerosmith is definitely here, right?
Barry: Yeah. Yeah. They’re upstairs in the kitchen sitting right at the table there.
Wayne: [ stomping his feet on the floor in excitement ] You mean, they’re up there in the breakfast nook! Aerosmith is in my breakfast nook? Excellent! Alright!
Garth: [ waving his drumsticks ] Excellent! Excellent!
Wayne: Alright, let’s go up to the Nook Cam, alright? [ jams his guitar ] “Nook Cam! Nook Cam! Wayne’s World! Excellent!”
[ camera blends to show us Aerosmith sitting around Wayne’s breakfast nook playing poker ] Alright! The Nook Cam. They’re they are.. Aerosmith! This is amazing! There’s Joey Kramer, Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford! Aerosmith is sitting where I eat my Nut ‘n’ Honey everyday!
[ camera blends back to the basement ]
Garth: Oh! Oh! Oh, man, they’re actually here! I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [ Barry wrestles him down ]
Wayne: Garth, take a ritelin, man! Alright, Barry – you’re a roadie, right? It must be Chick Central for you, right?
Garth: Yeah! You must be a citizen of Babe-ylon!
Barry: Well.. yeah.. uh.. we get our share of the babes.. But, you know, you don’t have a lot of time, and there’s a lot of people to consider.. I mean, there’s the band, there’s the sound guy, there’s the lighting crew, there’s management, there’s tour co-ordinators, the record company.. and then, of course, us, the roadies.
Wayne: Okay.. so, what you’re saying is that roadies are the bottom feeders in the Great Babe Food Chain. Right? [ Garth can’t control his laughter ]
Barry: Uh.. that is not what I’m saying, Wayne! I mean, come on.. there’s a ton of chicks who would rather go out with roadies than with the band.
Wayne: Shyeah, right! And, later on, monkeys might fly out of my butt! Okay, let’s see what’s happening upstairs on the Nook Cam. [ camera blends again to show us Aerosmith sitting around Wayne’s breakfast nook, as Mrs. Campbell shows off the family photos ] Oh, no! Oh, no, my Mom’s there, she’s talking to Aerosmith! Oh, no! I’m dying in death! Oh, no, she’s gonna say something stupid! Oh, no, this is BRUTAL!! [ Aerosmith gets up and walks aside with Mrs. Campbell ] Oh, no! They’re leaving! She’s making them take the house tour – the Walk of Shame! [ camera blends back to the basement ] Garth! Go! My mom must be stopped! Use violence if necessary!
Garth: [ running off ] Excellent!
Wayne: Alright.. Barry.. you’re gonna do us a little demonstration of what you do on stage, right?
Barry: [ gets up ] Yeah. Okay, what I do is make sure everyone’s got their gear on, and I cue their guitars, and I bring ’em out onstage.. [ demos ] ..and I start the mikes and make the sure the scarves are always in the right place.. and then, the most important thing – I gotta do a sound check. [ pulls the mike forward ] “Check. Check. Check 1. Sibilance. Sibilance. Check. Check. Check 2. Sibilance. Sibilance.” And that’s pretty much what I do.
Wayne: Well, that’s good. [ spots Garth returning ] Hey! Did you get her to stop?
Garth: Yeah, I stopped her!
Wayne: Alright, great! Thanks, Barry. That was really interesting. Not! Okay.. look, buddy, I honored my part of the contract, alright? So bring Aerosmith on!
Barry: Yeah! [ hops over the couch and runs upstairs ]
Wayne: Alright, excellent! Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you..Aerosmith!
[ Wayne and Garth bow before Aerosmith as they come crashing downstairs ]
Wayne: Okay! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”.. o Mighty Ones!
Steven Tyler: Hi, Wayne. Hi, Garth. Thanks for having us on the show.
Garth: Oh, Wayne, I’m so excited, I.. I think I’m gonna hurl!
Wayne: Hey! Garth, get it together, man. ‘Cause if you hurl, and I catch a whiff of it, man.. I’m gonna spew. And if I blow chunks, chances are someone else is gonna honk, alright? And that’s gonna set off a parastolic reaction, alright? Okay, sorry about that! Make yourselves comfortable, welcome to Party Central.. but I’ve just got to say, I think you guys are the greatest band in the world!
Garth: Without a doubt! Without a doubt!
Wayne: Garth! Aerosmith are here!
Wayne & Garth: Whoaaaaaaaaa!!!
Wayne: We told a lot of people that you guys were gonna be on the show.. right? And they had a lot of questions, right? So, here are the Top 3 Questions they had for Aerosmith, alright? Question #1: “Is it true you guys don’t do drugs or alcohol any more?”
Joe Perry: Yeah, man, that’s right. No drugs, no alcohol.Feels great.
Wayne: No way!
Joe Perry: Way.
Wayne: No.. way!
Joe Perry: Way!
Wayne: Okay! Okay, Garth, go ahead.
Garth: Okay, the next question is for Steven: “Are those really your lips, or are they lip implants like Barbara Hershey had in the movie ‘Beaches’?”
Steven Tyler: They’re mine, man!
Wayne: Bitchin’! Bitchin’ lips!
Wayne: Cool.. Lipmeister. Okay: “With the recent developments in Eastern Europe, do you think that Communism is on the decline, or is this just a temporary setback?”
Steven Tyler: Wow, man, that’s a hard question.. But I have torespond with a qualified yes. Although it seems that Socialism is in repose, until you repsoe the Stalinist era apparatchiks, there will be no real change in the Soviet Union.
Tom Hamilton: No, I disagree, man. There’s never been ablueprint for the dictatorship of the Proletariats, so there’s bound to be mistakes. However, if you study history, you’ll see that since the rise of the nationship, Socialism has been a historic inevitability.. dude.
Garth: Excellent! Excellent!
Wayne: Fascinating. Okay, we’re just about out of time, right? But it’s always been my fantasy to play with you guys. And I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind singing the “Wayne’s World” theme with me?
[ Aerosmith agrees, so they and Wayne ready their guitars ]
Barry: [ performs the sound check ] “Check. Check 1. Sibilance. Sibilance. Check. Check 2. Sibilance. Sibilance.”
Wayne: Let’s do it! Alright, here we go!
Steven Tyler: 1, 2, 3!
Wayne & Aerosmith:
“Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!
It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!
It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Wayne’s World!
It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!
Chicks go mental when we go down the street!
It’s Wayne and Garth who they want to meet!
Yeah, we’re in the basement playing with our toys!
And if you do not like it, you’re a Sphincter Boy!
Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!
It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!
It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Wayne’s World!
It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!”
Wayne: Good night! Party on!
