Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 15
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Alexander’s Fur World
Alexander…..Jon Lovitz
Alexander: Hello! I’m Alexander Johnson, of Alexander’s Fur World. And we’re havin our year-end, better-off-dead sale. Furs, furs, furs! Choose from hundreds of full-length minks. Every one of these animals was raised in the lap of luxury, and, I’m sorry to say, committed suicide due to personal problems..
[ SUPER: “Depressed Minks” ]
And that’s not all! We have a fabulous collection of evil, murdering, vicious coyotes – every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer convicted by a jury of environmentalists, and executed under humane conditions. Believe me, they’re better off dead.
Also, review our selection of reatarded beavers..
[ SUPER: “Retarded Beavers” ]
These poor animals were unable to cope with the complex demands of beaver society, and had to be put out of their misery. We have road possums, rabid foxes, and a limited number of filthy, destructive raccoons we found dead by the side of the road..
[ SUPER: “Flattened Raccoons” ]
So come with a clear conscience, and remember: they’re animals, for crying out loud! That’s what they’re there for!
