SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 03/17/90: The Arsenio Beckman Show


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  Season 15: Episode 15

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The Arsenio Beckman Show

Arsenio Beckman…..Rob Lowe
Linda Blair…..Victoria Jackson

Announcer: It’s time for “The Arsenio Beckman Show”, starring Arsenio Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio’s guest are: from “The Exorcist”, actress Linda Blair; and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let’s bang a gong, come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro, Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!

[ Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to hype the audience up ]

Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man.. this is better than doin’ the Wild Thing! [ audience screams excitedly ] That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there! Man.. you know.. there is some wild stuff goin’ on out there! [ audience screams ] Did you hear what happened.. on the news today? [ audience screams ] I mean.. yeah.. yeah.. that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way.. how about the way people dance, you know? [ Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the funny way people dance ] These people know what I’m talking about! Oh, that’s right! Coem on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [ the audience stands up and chants with Arsenio ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying.. [ tenses up ] ..”What the hell is this?!” Did you see what was on the front page of the “Enquirer” today? [ audience says “No” ] Susan, can we put that thing.. that thing. Can we put it up there?

[ show headline: “Human Toothpick To Marry” – audience screams ]

Now.. we’ve got a most wonderful show. A sexy, sexy lady.. Linda Blair! [ audience screams ] And some guys that I know.. I’ve been talking to them backstage – and I know you know who they are, because I’ve been talkin’ to them backstage – let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda! [ audience screams ] Okay! We’ve got a good one go-in’, so let’s.. get.. row-in’! [ Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa ]

Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now. I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean, Arsenio – man – he’s the best! I mean, he set the standard.. he.. uh.. he showed the way! But I can’t be Arsenio Hall – I can only be Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I’ve got my own party goin’! [ audience screams ] Okay! Okay! We’re gonna bring her out now! Won’t you please, please.. I’m gettin’ a little excited here! [ audience screams ] But not that little! [ laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience ] Okay, okay! She’s a sexy, sexy lady! Let’s clean it out for Linda Blair! [ Linda struts across the stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio ] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes, Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [ touches her knee ] You did a movie – “The Exoricst”. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what.. what was it like to be possessed?

Linda Blair: I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me, and find out?

[ audience screams and jumps in the aisle ]

Arsenio Beckman: [ blushing ] Oh, man! No, no, no, no.. I like your outfit, but I gotta say one thing – it doesn’t look too comfortable there!

[ audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air ]

Linda Blair: I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor. [ sits on the floor, audience screams ]

Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that’s just fine. I’ll just lay like this, how’s this? [ lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams ] Now, I heard.. somewhere.. somebody was saying something about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.. what’s that all about?

Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that’s coming out, called “Revenge of the Nerds IV”.

Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah.. nerds.. yeah.. ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you know, they dance like this.. [ demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and joins in ]

Announcer: Don’t leave your seat, we’ll be right back with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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