Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 15
Search Now: 
The Arsenio Beckman Show
Arsenio Beckman…..Rob Lowe
Linda Blair…..Victoria Jackson
Announcer: It’s time for “The Arsenio Beckman Show”, starring Arsenio Beckman. Tonight, Arsenio’s guest are: from “The Exorcist”, actress Linda Blair; and hot vinyl recording artist, Kool Ice Kold Soda. And now, let’s bang a gong, come on everybody, shake that groove thing for your party maestro, Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
[ Arsenio steps out to his overly excited crowd, performing a series of weird chants to hype the audience up ]
Arsenio Beckman: I tell ya, man.. this is better than doin’ the Wild Thing! [ audience screams excitedly ] That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there! Man.. you know.. there is some wild stuff goin’ on out there! [ audience screams ] Did you hear what happened.. on the news today? [ audience screams ] I mean.. yeah.. yeah.. that was crazy, the news. You know what else? How about the way.. how about the way people dance, you know? [ Arsenio and his audience demonstrate the funny way people dance ] These people know what I’m talking about! Oh, that’s right! Coem on, give it up! Stand up! Give it up! [ the audience stands up and chants with Arsenio ] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! People at home are saying.. [ tenses up ] ..”What the hell is this?!” Did you see what was on the front page of the “Enquirer” today? [ audience says “No” ] Susan, can we put that thing.. that thing. Can we put it up there?
[ show headline: “Human Toothpick To Marry” – audience screams ]
Now.. we’ve got a most wonderful show. A sexy, sexy lady.. Linda Blair! [ audience screams ] And some guys that I know.. I’ve been talking to them backstage – and I know you know who they are, because I’ve been talkin’ to them backstage – let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda! [ audience screams ] Okay! We’ve got a good one go-in’, so let’s.. get.. row-in’! [ Arsenio takes his seat at his chair next to the sofa ]
Before I get started, I gotta take care of some business now. I am not trying in any way to take anything away from Arsenio Hall. You know? I mean, Arsenio – man – he’s the best! I mean, he set the standard.. he.. uh.. he showed the way! But I can’t be Arsenio Hall – I can only be Arsenio Beckman! And, besides, I’ve got my own party goin’! [ audience screams ] Okay! Okay! We’re gonna bring her out now! Won’t you please, please.. I’m gettin’ a little excited here! [ audience screams ] But not that little! [ laughs with his screaming audience, the lies sideways across his chair, eliciting more screams from the bouncing audience ] Okay, okay! She’s a sexy, sexy lady! Let’s clean it out for Linda Blair! [ Linda struts across the stage and sits on the sofa across from Arsenio ] Ah, yes, yes, yes, oh yes, Linda! Linda Blair, yes, oh yes! [ touches her knee ] You did a movie – “The Exoricst”. Great film, great motion picture! Now, what.. what was it like to be possessed?
Linda Blair: I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me, and find out?
[ audience screams and jumps in the aisle ]
Arsenio Beckman: [ blushing ] Oh, man! No, no, no, no.. I like your outfit, but I gotta say one thing – it doesn’t look too comfortable there!
[ audience screams, starts tossing one another in the air ]
Linda Blair: I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor. [ sits on the floor, audience screams ]
Arsenio Beckman: Well, then, that’s just fine. I’ll just lay like this, how’s this? [ lays on floor next to her with legs in the air, audience screams ] Now, I heard.. somewhere.. somebody was saying something about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.. what’s that all about?
Linda Blair: Well, I just did a film, that’s coming out, called “Revenge of the Nerds IV”.
Arsenio Beckman: Yeah, yeah.. nerds.. yeah.. ‘Cause that’s what I’ve been talking about is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance, you know? Some people, you know, they dance like this.. [ demonstrates a nerdy dance, as the audience screams and joins in ]
Announcer: Don’t leave your seat, we’ll be right back with more Arsenio-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Beckman!
[ fade out ]
Great advice! I’ll definitely be implementing some of these tips.
This is a topic I’ve been curious about. Thanks for the detailed information.