President Bush Doesn’t Gloat / Rob Lowe Worries
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
[ open to President George Bush delivering a message to the nation from the Oval Office ]
George Bush: Good evening. You know, a few months ago, we allwitnessed the Revolution of ’89. The fall of that Berlin Wall doing that falling thing over there. Democracy across Eastern Europe. Now, there were those at that juncture who said, “We won the Cold War – time to gloat!” But I said no. Gloating wouldn’t be prudent. Not gonna gloat. Naahh.. gaahh.. gloat. Just look at the dividends “not gloating” has paid: the Soviet Free Market System, adopted; Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega, gone! Gone! Replaced by Mrs. Chemoro, wife of slain national hero down there – widow woman, not unattractive. Available. Lithuania, independent over there. All because I didn’t gloat! Could gloat now. Easily justified: 80% approval rating. It’s good! Most popular person ever.
[ cut to Rob Lowe’s dressing room ]
Lorne Michaels: Rob, you wanted to see me?
Rob Lowe: Lorne, I’m sorry, I know it’s the last minute, but I’ve just got this weird, scary feeling.
Lorne Michaels: What about?
Rob Lowe: Well, you know, this is the first time I’ve been in front of an audience since.. you know.. the thing.
Lorne Michaels: What thing?
Rob Lowe: Well.. you know.. the tape thing, you know.. and.. what if I go out there, and the people resent me?
Lorne Michaels: Because of the tape? Will they even remember it?
Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah, you know.. I think they might..
[ Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson enter ]
Kevin Nealon: You busy?
Lorne Michaels: No. Kevin, Vic.. come in. Rob’s a little concerned that the audience might be thinking about that tape incident in Atlanta.
Kevin Nealon: Really?
Rob Lowe: Yeah. Maybe they’ll think I’m some sort of, I don’t know.. sleaze.. or a low-life.
Kevin Nealon: Wait a minute. You’re worried that Mr. Joe Average American is thinking about that? I promise you, if they ever heard of the tape, they’ve forgotten about it a long time ago. Nobody cares.
Rob Lowe: Really? You really think so?
Kevin Nealon: People are watching the show tonight wondering what we’re going to do with “St. Elmo’s Fire” or “Oxford Blues”. They’re not tuning in to see us commenting on your personal sex life. That’s none of their business, and they know it.
Lorne Michaels: I think he’s right, Rob. Vic, you’ve been pretty quiet. What do you think? Is the tape thing a problem?
Victoria Jackson: I think the tape helps you.. I mean, ifenough people know about it.
Rob Lowe: Wait a minute.. so, if I go out there, that audience isn’t going to treat me like I’m some kind of jerk?
Lorne Michaels: Why should they? You’re Rob Lowe.
Rob Lowe: [ confident ] You’re right! You know what? I feela little foolish even worrying. In fact.. I’m psyched!
[ cut back to George Bush addressing the nation ]
George Bush: So, to sum up: gloating: too soon, maybe later; Mrs. Chemoro: available; Dan Quayle: gaining acceptance at a faster rate; Ortega: gone, but still, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”