Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.
Church Lady: Hello. I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, well, well.. Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all. St. Patrick’s Day, what does it mean? A harmless Irish tradition? Or a chance for people to fornicate like drunken little Beastmasters? But we don’t have time to talk about that delicious subject, because we have a very special guest. For almost two years, this young man has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of Wheat. So, will you please welcome Rob Lowe.[ Rob Lowe steps onto the set and smugly sits down on the couch ]
Well. Rob Lowe, in the flesh. I could reach out and touch you, but I’m not going to do that. Well, welcome to the show, Rob.
Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady. It’s good to be here.
Church Lady: I guess it is. Just settle down, dear. Just relax. We have lots to talk about. Now, we talked before the show, Rob and I, just so you know.. and his attorneys were present, and we all agreed that we would avoid discussing certain sensitive subjects, and stick only to a list of approved topics. Isn’t that right, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: That’s right, Church Lady. You know, I really appreciate it.
Church Lady: That’s quite alright. After all, you are my little guest. My very special guest. [ holds up list of approved subjects ] Now, let’s see.. you have a new movie out. What is the name of it?
Rob Lowe: “Bad Influence”.
Church Lady: What a lovely little title!
Rob Lowe: Well, you know.. I’m happy with it. It’s gotten some very good reviews. I play a villain, which is a stretch different for me, and the critics seemed to like it.
Church Lady: [ contemplating ] Let’s see.. so the critics thought you were believable in the role of an evil, bad demonic villain from Hell. How wonderful for you, dear.
Rob Lowe: Well.. it was a different role for me.
Church Lady: I’m sure it was quite a stre-e-etch! Very, very different. Just unlike anything.. Okay, now I rented a few of your films this week, just to familiarize myself with your.. body of work.. oh! Excuse me! I mean career.. oops! I said “rear.” I’m sorry. I’m just having trouble sticking to our little agreement! Well, anyway.. I was watching “Hotel New Hampshire”, and I noticed that you frequently expose your TNP. [ SUPER: “Tingly Naughty Parts” ]
Rob Lowe: [ confused ] My TNP? What are you talking about?
Church Lady: Oh, come on, Rob. We agreed that we wouldn’t use those words. I’m just pointing out that quite often your fans, in your films, see your young firm, lily-white B&B. [ SUPER: “Bulbous Buttocks” ] There it is, big and large, throbbing U&D, U&D.. [ SUPER: “Up and Down” ] ..T&R, T&R.. [ SUPER: “Thrusting and Releasing” ] Well.. I’m glad that we had a chance to talk about your movie. So, what else did we agree to talk about.. let’s see.. favorite foods? Pets? Acrylic blends vs. cotton – which do you prefer, Rob?
Rob Lowe: Oh, cotton. Definitely.
Church Lady: It breathes, doesn’t it? It just breathes, yes. Well, that covers our list of agreed topics. I’ve kept my end of the bargain, are you ready to keep yours?
Rob Lowe: Yes. Yes, I am.
Church Lady: Alrighty.. [ pulls a paddle out of her desk ] Well, well, well.. this is a wonderful piece of equipment. It’s Honduran mahagony, Robbie. Take a little touch there.. [ Rob feels it ] Oh, isn’t that nice? [ gets up and paces in front of Rob ] It was crafted in Spain by an old man with one tooth in his head. He was a charming fellow. Helen couldn’t believe the price I got. Are you ready to assume your position, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: [ confident ] Yes, Church Lady, I am. [ gets up and bends over in front of the Church Lady ]
Church Lady: Alrighty. I just need to warm up a little bit. [ swings the paddle back and forth for adjustment ] And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. Alright, I feel good now. Here we go, Robbie. [ swings paddle and smacks Rob in the butt ]
Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another! [ Church Lady smacks him again ] Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another!
Church Lady: [ bends down and yells into Rob’s butt ] Don’t you ever, ever, ever do that again! Get out of his buttocks, Satan! Leave his buttocks! Leave his buttocks, Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! [ continues to repeatedly smack Rob’s butt until she grows weary and flops upon the couch ] Ohhh.. I have waited so long for that.. so many sleepless nights.. You feel better, Robbie?
Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah. [ leans against the leg of the couch ]
Church Lady: I know I do. Oh, goodness. Now in celebration of your new lease, you may do the Superior Dance with me. Hit it, Pearl![ Church Lady and Rob Lowe stand up and do the Superior Dance for the audience ]
Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.