SNL Transcripts: Debra Winger: 03/24/90: Urban Toonces


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  Season 15: Episode 16

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89p: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

Urban Toonces

Cissy…..Debra Winger
Bud…..Dana Carvey
Bar Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on Houston, Texas ] [ fade to interior, Buck ‘N Brew bar ]

Cissy: Hey, Bud, I got an idea!

Bud: Oh, no.. that’s all we need, another one of your ideas, Cissy! I mean, it was your idea to buy this place, here.

Cissy: I know, Bud, but we did pretty good for a couple of months.

Bud: Yeah, but that was, like, you know, ten years ago, you know? What have we got to show for it right now?

Cissy: Well.. you can ride the bull on the fastest speed without any hands blindfolded.. I mean, come on, that’s something.

Bud: I know, but so what, you know? We need some customers here!

Cissy: Well, now that was what I was thinking about. I was thinking, instead of riding the bull, people could use it as some sort of aerobics device, like a StairMaster, or a Nautilus, like a Robo-Bull. What do you think? We could advertise it as a place where you could come and work out and get drunk, or vice-versa, whichever works out.

Bud: I don’t know!

Cissy: Well.. okay, well, don’t look now, but you got yourself a customer.

[ points to Toonces the Driving Cat, sitting at the bar with a little cowboy hat on his little furry head ]

“Toonces, the Driving Cat
The cat who can drive a car.
He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: “Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car”. Tonight’s episode: “Urban Toonces”.

Bud: Alright, so what are you having, sir?

[ Toonces licks his paw ]

Cissy: I think that means Tequila.

Bud: Alright, one Tequila coming up.. hey, wait a second here.. I mean, how old are you? You got an I.D., or something..? [ Toonces hands over his I.D., which is suspended ] Alright, let’s see.. Toonces.. height: 12″.. weight: 10 lbs.. hair: tabby. Okay.. birthdate: 2/25/86. Hey. That means he’s only four years old, can I give him a Tequila, here?

Cissy: Well, yeah.. I think in cat years, that’s like 28.. he’s okay. You’re okay!

[ Toonces pours salt on his wrist, swigs Tequila, and bites the lime, nearly gagging himself ]

Bud: Something tells me he’s done that before!

Cissy: You know, you’d better check to see if he has real money, he might try to pay us in dead birds or something..

Bud: Hey, where’d he go?

Cissy: [ looks over ] Oh, no, look! He’s starting to ride the bull! [ shows Toonces bucking on the mechanical bull ] Hey, you know, that pussy can ride!

Bud: Yeah!

Bar Patron: [ enters ] Uh.. yeah.. I-I-I heard you got a bull-riding cat?

Cissy: That’s right!

Bar Patron: Well, give me a beer, I’ve gotta see this!

[ suddenly, a crowd fals into the bar, all come to watch Toonces ride the mechanical bull – beers are quickly served to everyone ] [ cut to “Later That Night..”, as Toonces drives Bud and Cissy home for the evening ]

Cissy: Do you think we should really let him drive, after drinking that shooter and everything?

Bud: Oh, that was, like, hours ago. Besides, he had a big plates of tacos, and stuff.

Cissy: Yeah. I guess you’re right. [ suddenly panics ] Toonces! Look out!

[ they scream, as Toonces drives over the cliff and crashes ]

“He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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