SNL Transcripts: Debra Winger: 03/24/90: Urban Toonces

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  Season 15: Episode 16

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89p: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

Urban Toonces

Cissy…..Debra Winger
Bud…..Dana Carvey
Bar Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on Houston, Texas ] [ fade to interior, Buck ‘N Brew bar ]

Cissy: Hey, Bud, I got an idea!

Bud: Oh, no.. that’s all we need, another one of your ideas, Cissy! I mean, it was your idea to buy this place, here.

Cissy: I know, Bud, but we did pretty good for a couple of months.

Bud: Yeah, but that was, like, you know, ten years ago, you know? What have we got to show for it right now?

Cissy: Well.. you can ride the bull on the fastest speed without any hands blindfolded.. I mean, come on, that’s something.

Bud: I know, but so what, you know? We need some customers here!

Cissy: Well, now that was what I was thinking about. I was thinking, instead of riding the bull, people could use it as some sort of aerobics device, like a StairMaster, or a Nautilus, like a Robo-Bull. What do you think? We could advertise it as a place where you could come and work out and get drunk, or vice-versa, whichever works out.

Bud: I don’t know!

Cissy: Well.. okay, well, don’t look now, but you got yourself a customer.

[ points to Toonces the Driving Cat, sitting at the bar with a little cowboy hat on his little furry head ]

“Toonces, the Driving Cat
The cat who can drive a car.
He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: “Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car”. Tonight’s episode: “Urban Toonces”.

Bud: Alright, so what are you having, sir?

[ Toonces licks his paw ]

Cissy: I think that means Tequila.

Bud: Alright, one Tequila coming up.. hey, wait a second here.. I mean, how old are you? You got an I.D., or something..? [ Toonces hands over his I.D., which is suspended ] Alright, let’s see.. Toonces.. height: 12″.. weight: 10 lbs.. hair: tabby. Okay.. birthdate: 2/25/86. Hey. That means he’s only four years old, can I give him a Tequila, here?

Cissy: Well, yeah.. I think in cat years, that’s like 28.. he’s okay. You’re okay!

[ Toonces pours salt on his wrist, swigs Tequila, and bites the lime, nearly gagging himself ]

Bud: Something tells me he’s done that before!

Cissy: You know, you’d better check to see if he has real money, he might try to pay us in dead birds or something..

Bud: Hey, where’d he go?

Cissy: [ looks over ] Oh, no, look! He’s starting to ride the bull! [ shows Toonces bucking on the mechanical bull ] Hey, you know, that pussy can ride!

Bud: Yeah!

Bar Patron: [ enters ] Uh.. yeah.. I-I-I heard you got a bull-riding cat?

Cissy: That’s right!

Bar Patron: Well, give me a beer, I’ve gotta see this!

[ suddenly, a crowd fals into the bar, all come to watch Toonces ride the mechanical bull – beers are quickly served to everyone ] [ cut to “Later That Night..”, as Toonces drives Bud and Cissy home for the evening ]

Cissy: Do you think we should really let him drive, after drinking that shooter and everything?

Bud: Oh, that was, like, hours ago. Besides, he had a big plates of tacos, and stuff.

Cissy: Yeah. I guess you’re right. [ suddenly panics ] Toonces! Look out!

[ they scream, as Toonces drives over the cliff and crashes ]

“He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

[ fade to black ]

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